Absinthe party at the fly honey warehouse

I tried absinthe last night, its kinda gross? But I liked it. I love watching it get made. I was belligerent last night, to say the least, hahah.

Donnie and I drunk dialed a few people, one of which was Danny. Donnie took the phone from me and was like, "I just want you to know, I genuinely care about this girl. I like her -- more than a lot." :) And he repeated himself a lot to me throughout the night. He doesn't remember a lot of it, but I know he meant it. People kept asking us if we were dating, which was extremely awkward by the way, but Donnie's response was always "not yet". I'm fine either way, but that made me smile. That, and this...

blackbird, fly

My chest tightened, but my heart did not plummet through the floorboards. I click on Blackbird and let my eyes fixate on your future. I smile. Mine's waiting for me somewhere, and I hope you react the same way.

Donnie is really amazing. We've hung out every day since last Thursday? Or even beyond that, and I can't get enough. He's hilarious, so down to earth, and the most chill human being on the entire planet. I am so relaxed around him, but still have the right amount of nerves. It's not driven by pure lust, and we talk for hours. I'm happy but I don't feel like my hopes are higher than they need to be. He respects me, and we play hours of super smash bros brawl with our buddies. He's the first person I feel like I've had real feelings for since Eric. I don't feel like people believe me because I've been so boy crazy as of late, but you just wait and see. :)

I really sleep the bare minimum lately. I go out late and come home just before the sun comes up, regardless of whether or not I have to be at school in the morning. I feel like I'm jump starting summer, and maybe I need to enjoy my time with my class a little more.

Two more days left in this week, no school monday, then a short week, then no school the following monday, then its the week of finals. It's really starting to freak me out. The next 6 months are going to kick so much ass :D

Party and bullshit

I party too hard and sleep too little. Friday was amazing, I love Leeanna to death. I got some quality time in with someone great too :] He is surprisingly amazing. But I'm chillin, my hopes are eye level and not up in the air - right where they need to be. 33 days until graduation!

"You girls tryin to have a slumba party?!"

:) I'm happy. Sincerely happy. I like this. Lately I've felt like I've constantly been bouncing around but I'm standing still again.

And I could definitely get used to standing next to you.

But again, we'll see. Goin' with the flow. LEEANNA IS COMING TO VISIT ME TOMORROW and I am supremely stoked :D

Life is GOOD.

i've got the world on a string

"dude...it's weird cuz when we are all hanging out it's chill but when i'm alone with her i'm SO attracted to her"


:D

I like this chill and take it day-by-day philosophy.. it has worked out for me a lot better than anything else at this point. It's so weird. I had an amazing time doing absolutely nothing last night, just laughing and talking.... and watching porn-ish documentaries and then gullah gullah island? ahahah but I love good conversation. This is the first person I've actually really felt a connection with since Eric. It's nice. I'm not psyching myself up too much for it, but I am allowed to be happy, I think :) I've been spending too much time out though... the past few weeks I haven't gotten home until 1-2am on school nights. My dad apparently doesn't think I'm going to graduate and might be into heavy drugs because I don't tell him where I am, lol I did get pretty trashed Sunday but idk. I don't think I'm anything to worry about.

It just dawned on me today how soon school is ending. I know I am always counting down the days, but it really hit me today. Less than 5 weeks left of high school. Holy shit, wow. I am really stoked for college though. I repeat myself too often... oh well.

I think I'm dying my hair auburn tonight! I'm excited but sort of nervous. It's about time for another change, though (:

Speak to me gently

It's an interesting thing, watching someone replace you. Replacing them yourself. Putting a makeshift paste over that hole in your heart until someone comes along who will punch it out and fill it with something substantial. Pushing on, moving forward. I wouldn't call myself heartbroken or even hurt. But nostalgia surrounds me. I smile when I think of you, of how you are doing precisely what you want to. And I hope you do the same, because I finally feel unleashed. Let free. It still doesn't change the fact that I miss you, that it makes me genuinely sad that I've basically lost you. Maybe this is me being melodramatic, but I think I'm just merely being realistic.

I know nothing of how you feel other than you are happy where you're at. I have come to terms with this whole situation, but I'm not sure if I would consider it something that is a breeze for me to deal with. When I told you about Brett, you told me about her. You told me part of the reason you took me off of your top friends was because it was too difficult to see me with another guy. Less than a month later, you two are together. I understand, I'm not blaming or pointing fingers, I just am saying that it all hit me pretty fast. Even though, yes, I've been moving on... it hasn't been truly moving on. I'm not going to fall in love with anyone. And it seems that you are. Not to say that I'm not going to in the future, its just an interesting place to be in. I'm not at a place in my life where I can have something serious with someone new. My experience with Brett made me miss you and your friendship a lot, and as soon as its over - you're unreachable to me. I hope if you ever read this, which I sort of hope you don't, you understand that this isn't me being angry and resentful. It's the next stage in getting over you. I feel like I'm grieving a little. And probably dealing with it in all the wrong ways.

There is one person who gives me hope. He listens, understands, laughs, and I always smile when I'm with him. I don't get that initial high, that intense heart beat - but I do get a little shy. Liquid courage helps out...a lot haha. It's not even that I'm falling, that I even really like him much. Because I have every single guard and wall up possible, I'm moving - no one gets close. But he reminds me of you. He gets me without me having to say much at all. And I can't wait to find that in someone again, I can't wait to fall in love again. With someone who I won't have to settle for.

I could say a lot more but I can't stop sneezing. Instead, I'll post pictures that basically explain my last week or so.

And we're still out at 10 in the evening

These past few days have been good, but odd.


I saw Minus the Bear on Tuesday, they blew my mind. We went and hung out at Coit tower after the show and it was nice to just be with my friends. I'm really grateful for them lately.


I think its reality is starting to swirl around me, my synapses are just beginning to connect as I realize the finality of the next few months. Its already freaking May. Two months until I am no longer in high school... 4 months until I move. I signed up for my orientations today for Fullerton, and in doing so, made my enrollment there official. I wonder how many people I'll never see again. I am realizing how I have no real concept of the word "never". I feel like I can't comprehend it.


I wrote this yesterday, I need to tweak it some, but I like it. It makes me feel like I lifted a weight off of my shoulders... funny how writing can relieve what you want to say in a subliminal way.



As the door begins to close, I watch from afar, key clenched in my hand. As the door slides shut, I pause - almost in mourning. The illuminations from the opposite end find their way to my corneas through the cracks surrounding the wooden barrier. It dawns on me that this is all I'll ever have, all I'll ever hold on to - that sole stream of light. Some may say that this hallway seems lonely, and at times it is. But there's something about a lone, confident stride that greatly surpasses any stumble while hanging on your shoulders. I pause in my walk to take one last look - one last farewell. A bright tinkle of metal echoes through the hall as I let the key pass through my fingers. I nod my head, and push on.