"i would be lying if i said that i wasn't thinking about you all day today"

why must you be so close yet so far away?! and why did i meet you the friday before my busiest week ever!

I can't stop thinking about Urosh... Its just one of these things I can't explain. I feel like an idiot but I really can't. I'm utterly speechless and he's the same way.

"I came here with a load,
and it feels so much lighter since I met you"

Maybe this is me running into whoever's arms and being an empty shell? But wait, its not. I don't know. I know how I feel and I'm sick of people judging it. Life's too short, run with it.

So there's a lot I haven't posted on this particular blog. 4th of july was insane, I don't remember 65% of it - I had at least 12 shots and a beer... I was so happy for a while but it went down hill once Donnie showed up at Lauren's. I didn't expect him to come, so I had more than a few drinks to forget it all and just be happy. By the time he got there I could barely stand, and he was apparently there for like an hour and a half before he decided that he didn't want to take care of everyone because he had passed up seeing his friends to come to the party and everyone was just ridiculous (mj, if you're reading, take note of how i spelled it correctly haha). Long story short he left and I was super upset and was bawling like a child for an hour or so before I realized how stupid it was and jumped into the hot tub. A bunch of guys Libby had invited were there and I started talking with all of them. Before I knew it, I was alone, deep in conversation with one particular boy. Urosh. We spent the whole night talking and slept in the same room and whatnot.. I don't know. He's so great, but he confuses me a lot. I just talked things over with Donnie yesterday because he was really upset with me for being so unreasonable at the time, and we're cool. But in the 48 hours I've known Urosh, I already feel a connection with him that Donnie doesn't even come close to.

Confusinggg.

I'm off to Fullerton for orientation, but I'm sure I'll post more later.

I tried to keep my positive spirits high today but they have been below ground since last night. I'm desperately trying to deroot them now. I don't get to spend 4th of july with you, you're booked solid with parties but I can't say it surprises me. I keep thinking about last year and I made the mistake of watching our video from the rooftop yesterday.. its haunting me. I need to freaking let go. James says when I'm stressed I just need to focus on my breathing, it helps.

Watching Leeanna and Robert reminded me of a lot too, I wish I had someone fighting for me. All in due time. I need to relax and be patient, this is not the time or place for me to have anything like that. The part of me that still believes in a higher being believes this is God's plan, or something along those lines. That I'm supposed to learn from this.

I'm pretty insecure right now though. You turned your head to me, Leeanna's in Sacramento still with Robert... I'm going to chipotle with cameron then going to a bbq with a bunch of new acquaintances that have slowly been blossoming into friendships... but Donnie is usually with me when we party with them so we'll see. I partied with them without him a few weeks ago. I have become increasingly more insecure about my weight? Which is completely ridiculous but idk. 10 pounds. I can tell, but that's just me. I don't want to be that person who's insecure about her weight. That's not me at all. I need to exercise, I need to let go, just breathe. I'm wasting far too much time focusing on the fact that I'm either alone or unhappy. And I'm neither.

Void

I wrote this a while ago (about a year ago), I just found it and liked it a lot.


Void. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right, it’s not in place. You’re missing something. You ignore it as best you can and try to fill the hole with things that don’t belong there. A new love prospect that treats you worse than the boy you’re trying to make up for, you do things you wouldn’t normally do. You drink too much, and care too little. You stomp on the others to rise up; you desperately try everything to fill that hole. It’s almost as if you’re trying to plug the leak at the bottom of your boat with just your hands. No matter how hard you try, your ship keeps sinking. Until you hit rock bottom. You went too far – you helped a boy cheat on the love of his life, you got so drunk you were so belligerent you did things you shouldn’t have done. This only deepens your wound, that hole in your heart that you can’t fill. That feeling you can’t shake, that won’t go away. Nothing is right and you can’t figure out why. You’re drowning. You need that lifeboat, that hand to pull you up to the surface so you can breathe. Or do you? Can you save yourself? In time, that wound will heal. That void will diminish. Then all that will be left is scar tissue to remind you of the struggle you went through to be who you are.

hahaha i was "destroyed". :] hes cute, i just wish he had more timeeeeee. but apparently i'm in for some fun bahaha

me: i feel like he thinks he can take advantage f me because i let him lol
me: or like, ditch me you know?
neema: you do let him
neema: does it matter? you have almost 0 time left before you go studying living the rest of your life
neema: and youre here sitting letting one guy ruin your carefree summer
neema: after this its all buisiness. if you mess up later, it might not be able to be fixed.
neema: but now, whats going to happen.
neema: right now youre living the most carefree life
neema: party from 7-7, sleep in the morning
neema: in a month, even though there may be parties, its going to be affecting your future.
neema: right now, this has no affect on anything
neema: if you let a guy wind you up and down in college, and you let him get to your head,
neema: ....not good
neema: Basically: You Have nothing to lose now, but youre living life as if you do. What are you going to do in a monthish when you actually have something to lose?


i need to stop wasting my time. he calls me beautiful and apparently is 5'11"... sounds like a fun time. if not, i need to be alone again. its good for me