The cure makes me smile. Bob Dylan, modest mouse. Katy Perry. You singing along sheepishly as we both drifted into dreams. Elton John. Jimi Hendrix. Beer pong and me kicking your ass at it.. then ending up ridiculously drunk because you made us play again with recycled beer. Abandoning the beer for the rooftop, leaning back and naming the few stars we knew. You called me lovely as I climbed through the window. I've always been fond of little nick names, little compliments. Biking in the dark by the beach and racing, laughing - singing. Breaking off from the group and leaning against the wall watching the bonfires. I settled in so comfortably beneath your shoulder. I remember just feeling absolutely content. Walking to breakfast, sitting on the beach and watching the little naked boy and the bros play football. Betting on how long the surfers would stand up to the biggest waves. Laughing at "dru" , your shitty car, uno, the neighbors. 

I don't know about you but I hope that one day you will understand my sarcasm and I will understand yours. We both have issues communicating through them because we can never tell when each other is serious. 

I truly can't wait til you come to visit. I'm hoping you'll have enough money to go to Disney.. if not, I'll have to show you some place cool around here. (Is there any place cool around here?) Something about you softens me. It calms me down and grounds me. 

Or maybe I just want this feeling so badly that I'm pushing it on you ? I don't really think so. I get along with you so well, but there is a level of caution in our relationship - on both our parts. Maybe that's why our communication gets so off. 

Who knows. My friend Chelsea was talking about how you never really get over someone until you have someone new to replace them - but how she wasn't exactly sure she believed that. Then she said she met her current boyfriend and she realized how much she had been settling and missing out on. I just want to have that realization.. that epiphany that this is the person I've been waiting for.

And I am trying so hard to be patient. But what I felt and had with Andy those 3 weeks seemed more comfortable and genuine than I ever could have asked for. If nothing comes of it, at least I know that I'm capable of feeling something remotely close to what I used to again.

dlsjfsldjf;ldfjsl;jfdlj Why can't I just be with people who make me happy? Why do I hurt everyone good and let the assholes hurt me?

I feel cheap. I got upset, hypocritically yes, but I shouldn't have given up so easily. Now you seem to gloat to other people and it makes me feel idiotic. You don't deserve that kind of power, I don't deserve to be shoved off into the corner.

On a much happier note, Andy is coming to visit in three weeks :) And then I'll see him again in April... but he seems anxious to see me more. He wanted to know when summer started for me. He keeps sending me little texts like "so you need to move here now". I like that idea. I like the idea of him and I more than I've liked any idea of me with anyone for a long time.

But again, do I really want to put myself through that? I don't know. All I know is I will be a very happy girl when he arrives. And I fucking hope Robbie is here and feels just as shitty as I did. Even worse, maybe. Because I actually care about Andy.

I'm really looking forward to this month. LEEANNA IS COMING TO VISIT THIS WEEKEND, next weekend is Sacramento, weekend after that Andy is coming, then Danny is the week after that. :) Yaaaaaaaaaaay! 

I shouldn't care. I didn't really, now that I think about it. I like you, but the chemistry is dry. But don't pump me up about seeing you just so I can walk into a party and see you with someone else.

I just don't know anymore. I give up.

What do I say to you when you drunkenly call me and tell me that you're in love with me and I'm breaking your heart? What am I supposed to do, drop everything and say sure, lets fall in love and open myself to my own degree of heartache? I'm sorry if it's selfish, but I just could never do it. Never again will I be in a relationship like that where I hardly see you and where I have that constant ache. Our relationship would never be at its full potential. 

And to be completely honest, I like you a lot. But I don't think that I love you. And it scares me how much you care for me. I feel like if we ever were together, I would never like you as much as you liked me. And I won't put you through that.

But don't sit there and beat yourself up. Don't you dare say that you're wasting my time. As for your time, I'm not so sure - you are the only one who can determine whether or not it's being wasted. Don't you dare assume how I feel without asking. Do not say "well you know how I feel and you know what I mean". Because I am never really sure until you tell me. I'm a straight-forward, no bullshit person. So do me the favor and tell me it straight up. I'm not going to think any less of you. 

And when I say yes, I wanna talk to you. Yes, I'll call you back. I fucking mean it. Don't apologize and say oh we can talk another night and act like I don't want to talk to you.

Just saying.

I just wonder if I've become this hard rock of a person surrounded by walls and no one will ever be able to come in. What you said to me earlier, made me cry. That I'm the only person you don't feel you need to leave anything out to when you talk to. That meant a lot. I value you in my life, a lot. Regardless of what happens. 

I just wonder. I'm so eager for that feeling again, and hearing those words come out of your mouth - I froze. What do I say to you? Why is this happening to me? I can never be with the people who make me happy. 

I'm strong, sure. But I've got a whole bunch of layers of insecurities built up from the past year that are going to take a while to strengthen.

Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and scream. Who wants to deal with someone like me?

I wonder if I should be bold. But then I remember that its selfish and I step back. 

I just miss that feeling , more than anything. I cling to any trace of it lately.

"The only thing about you I don't like is that you don't like me."

Don't you see that's not the case at all?

I really am ready

And I'm sitting here waiting, like a little girl trying to be patient with her hands in lap. I'll be sneaking glances around the corner.

I can't believe 6 weeks have passed. I don't know when I'll be home again, maybe for spring break? Maybe not. 

I miss Andy already, I have that ache thing going on. Wasn't expecting that. "Don't go back to bitchertonnnn". I saw Donnie today. He hasn't changed at all. Acted like everything was fine, started getting cuddly and saying how he didn't want me to leave - I sat up and it was conveniently time for me to go. Probably should have considered that for the last 3-5 weeks, Donnie. 

I'm feeling homesick and I haven't even left yet. 

But I know once I get to school, and am with my loves, and either drunk or in disney - it will all be far behind me. 

Life is a funny thing, the phases we all go through.. so odd.