Am I

fooling myself? that desperate? being horrible?

or, 

is it real? 

All I know is as great as my weekend was, once I saw him drive away all I could think about was that I wasn't as comfortable as I would have been with you.

But who knows if that's even true because you scare the fucking shit out of me.

Maybe it was better when you stepped out, I feel like I'm only going to make this worse.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go again. I am this wall of a person and lately I've been feeling pretty trapped inside.

Standards

Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high. Maybe I'm ridiculous to think I deserve someone overwhelmingly attractive (as shallow as that is), with an amazing intellect and taste. 

There's this couple who are in the piece I've been rehearsing for who are just so cute. And so into each other. And so just, ugh. I want that. I miss that. I misssss it so fucking much. And especially in times where I'm so stressed and all I want is to unwind. All I want is some other outside source of hope to keep me driving through.

Then again, I have it. I have my friends, I have that closeness and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. 

But I can't deny missing it. I can't deny that something about this time of year makes me miss it more. I have so many issues, I don't want to settle for anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be happy without the distance, without the priority problems, without the other girls, without feeling used.  I know I do. I have so much love to give and I am just bursting waiting for someone to pour it into.

But then I think, what if this guy I seem to be waiting for doesn't exist...? 

Andy's coming this weekend and although I'm excited, I don't know. I'm afraid it will be either too good or not good enough and I don't think I can handle either situation right now. 

I need you so much closer..

Familiarity

I miss it so much. I miss familiar touch, intimacy. Shared breaths, brushing lips together but not kissing. I miss talking without speaking.

I miss loving someone so completely it almost hurts.

I'm sorry

I couldn't do it. I'm sorry because you make me realize what I deserve. I'm sorry because I turn my head to you because it scares me. 

I'm sorry I can't love you the way you love me, and it kills me.

I just wanted you to know.

Well, one problem addressed.

"hey listen i hate to get all serious or whatever on you but.. i need to get this off my chest. i want you in my life as my friend at the very least and i dont think i can do that if anything like whats been happening keeps happening. and i dont want to keep you from doing whatever you want with that girl you met, but i cant handle you going back and forth between us.

like, i was really glad you apologized and then stacey told me you went to disney with her the next day? and i know it isnt like you guys are going by yourselves and i sound like a psycho but.. idk. i just feel stupid when shit like that happens because i care about you and i thought you cared too, and thursday night sincerely hurt me and seriously confused me.

i never really let guys in, i have been through a lot and idk. missing you over break made me realize that i wanted to open myself up a little more to you and give it more of a chance because you are an actual guy who seems to give a shit. and then i got so pumped up to see you and then i walked into that party and my heart sunk.

i dont know. i'm not your girlfriend so i'm not going to say choose me or her. but i just want to tell you that i'm not going to be okay with knowing that i'm one of the two options you have and i am not going to fight or be some competitive person because i dont think thats neccessary. i shouldn't have to compete. if you want to keep things the way they were with you and me, you cant be running to her afterward and then coming back to me expecting me to act like nothing happened and like it doesn't effect me. i can try to be your friend, but i won't let you hurt me like that again. i let it happen too many times with other guys, and i can't go through that again. i owe myself that respect.

so, if you decide you like the way things are with you and me, i'll be here. but please don't expect me to be okay with you going off with some other girl. meaning, don't do it. draw lines with her. i care about you a lot and i value you in my life, otherwise i would have told you to fuck off a long time ago lol if you really like this girl or whatever, then i'm happy for you if you're happy. i'll be your friend, but it wont be the same. and i'll draw lines with you.
and it sucks to do that, because i really do like you.. but i have to look out for myself. i deserve more respect than you've been giving me.

sorryyyy this is like a novel, i just needed to get it out... i hope i dont sound like a crazy bitch, because I'm really not trying to be."

sent to Robbie Keating at 2:14 AM

To do:

- raise $300 for Y&G sustaining campaign

- print out research for the bill

- email my kids

- make green bracelets

 

- buy candy

- write two thesis statements and turn them in online/give them to marco before wednesday at 2:30

- transcribe for evelyn by wednesday

 - talk to lissa about not being able to attend rehearsal sunday

- math homework?

- skull pictures/drawings for makeup

- buy eyebrow pencil sharpener etc. for makeup 

- pack/arrange outfits for sac

all in the next two days. fml.