It's just one of those nights. I'm so sick of this, I'm SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY.

Tisbury Lane

I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying to be all I can be, to not let these people get the best of me. But I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. My heart hurts. I feel so raw and exposed and I want to feel whole again. I'm lying here with my chest wide open in my own little fort.

You don't love me. You only love the idea of me. You have no idea who I am. I'm sick of false love. I'm sick of people telling me they care about me then just walking all over me, like my feelings don't matter. You say you care, yet you let shit like this happen.

I just need to be alone, I guess. I've been saying the same thing for a year now and somehow it isn't getting any easier. Listening to Mae reminds me of who I really am, or maybe just who I once was.

Who

Am I anymore? I'm fairly certain you're the only one who understood me. It scares me that you might be the only one who ever will, and I can't even really be your friend.

Just a touch of nostalgia.

Solitude

I need to be alone. Once I'm okay with being alone, maybe you'll come find me. Maybe then things will be clearer. All I know is right now, I don't want half-ass. I want someone completely. And it's about time I start demanding all of someone and preparing to give all of myself to someone else. 

So, solitude. I'm done with you, Mr. Halfass, Mr. Bullshit, Mr. Bodysnatcher. 

Waiting for Mr. Right. Holding out until I meet him. 

Superconnected

You are sleepin on my couch in front of me. I could get used to this, but it scares me a little bit. You're really different, in a lot of ways. The complete and total opposite of Eric. Regardless of what happens, you lift me up. I'm happy our paths have crossed - we already have a great friendship. More may come, maybe not. I'm glad either way.

Bullshit

I will not stand for it. Any of it. So don't try to play it like I'm some idiot. You're a fucking asshole. Both of you, actually. Haha.

Patience

I don't knowwwww. I have such incredibly high standards. And I'm afraid to compromise even something little. 

I just want to run into someone who will sweep me off my feet. I want that movie-like experience of falling in love with someone completely unexpected but who is just completely perfect in my eyes. 

I don't want to knock down someone else's walls, I want someone strong who will come knock down mine. I've recently realized that I can't handle constantly trying to get people to open up to me if they have issues with it. And maybe thats hypocritical? But I have issues with letting down my own walls, how am I ever going to do that when all I'm focused on is getting a guy to tell me what he's thinking or how he feels? 

My chest feels tight. Like I'm locked away and closed in. I know I am. I just want someone who will grab both my arms and extend them outward with a smile on his face at what is released. Someone who will catch me when I collapse from the exertion and kiss my forehead. Someone who will tell me that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am perfect the way I am. 

I want someone to fight for me. I'm sick of fighting for everyone else.

I'm so worn out. I'm so tired. I feel like my heart is buried underground and I'm not sure what to do once it starts resurfacing. I just want that relationship, so. fucking. bad. I don't want to say well  "I like him, but.." I don't want there to be any "buts". I want to say I like him, and I can see myself falling in love with him. Or I love him, he's exactly what I've been waiting for. 

I'm not a very patient person.