How can I not

wait up?

This is so stupid.

I feel so stupid.

I think the reason why I don't want to tell you how I feel is because I'm afraid of your answer.

And I think I'd lose you.

Maybe it's worth it.

Might be better than this, constantly "maybe" and "I think"s and always wondering.

If only you knew what you were doing to my head. Maybe you'd kindly bow out.

Uncensored

I don't know how the fuck to feel.

You have been around for over a year and when you're drunk you say these things to me that make me wonder. I am strangely addicted to you, maybe I just like that you like me.

I don't know what is with me. One day I'm so excited with the possibility that you might come see me, the next minute I'm panicking at the thought of it. You are such an incredible person and you are so determined to make something work but the world is against us and I don't have it in me to fight against the world right now.

I feel like I can't let myself relax or actually enjoy a person anymore without putting a limit on it. It's affecting so many parts of my life.

I'm terrified of not living up to my potential. Of slacking off and not working hard enough, of losing my chance at being an incredible actor. I know I won't allow myself but the idea of climbing another step in this mountain that is my two year training path seems unbearable. I have made myself a to do list and I NEED to stick to it. I have to force myself.

This is part of the reason why it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of putting in a lot of work for a relationship right now, I have no capacity in my life for that kind of thing. I need something easy that contributes nothing but positivity to my life, no negativity. Not that the person would make it negative but the ache that comes with being far away.

I want a real relationship that I don't have to long for every day and plan for. I want my boyfriend on my bed unexpectedly when I get home or for him to pick me up from school and surprise me and we can just be together and live our own lives too. And just to be happy. Unbearably happy.
I want to look someone in the eye and read their thoughts.

I need to channel these feelings into finding a process and relating it to my work.

It's all I have anymore to keep me sane.

I feel like I have a lot of pressure on my chest, I need to breathe easy for a while.

I just had the most vivid dream

that you found me and told me you regret everything about our breakup and that you were done with her, you only wanted me. I told you I didn't know and then you left and I overheard you breaking up with her. Then you came to me and asked if I'd have you back.

Weird.

It was so incredibly vivid, crystal clear.

I don't want that? But I woke up feeling really odd.

Despite it all, there are days when I just want to hear

you still miss me.

I feel that I'm overdue for an entry in this journal.

School is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it'd be. But I'm getting through and it's awesome to hear "you're improving". I just have to constantly give myself perspective on it and remind myself that although the material is going to get harder, things will come easier.

And I'm almost a quarter the way through this program!

In other news, I am for the first time in my life content being single. Sure, I miss having someone a lot. But I love having girls nights and going to bed alone and I've really started to value the time I have with my roommates and best friends. I think that now once the right person comes along, it will be easier for me to let them in. I'm gaining a lot of perspective in many areas of my life.

It's weird growing up, but I'm glad my mind seems to have matured a little.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I am in such a funk.

I should be GRATEFUL. I should be so fucking grateful.

But right now I am just wishing I could be like any other college student.

new promises

there's this line i don't know if i should cross. there's the idea of happiness that gives me hope. but am i being truthful to myself? to you? am i fooling us both? i don't know anymore.

maybe i'm just impatient.

or maybe you're just wonderful.

i don't know.

i don't.

i can feel my emotions starting to stir inside of me and i can feel that itch to give in. but i don't think i can handle the ache of the distance and the longing to have you by my side.

it's sometimes easier to dismiss it.

i don't know.