Aptos

Since I failed to take pictures of last night's events and I have yet to scrounge any up, I'm going to write how I remember it so that I can read it and create visual pictures in my mind later on. The night itself started pretty awkward - standing around waiting for the whole group to arrive then eating dinner and Jeffrey putting his elbow in chocolate pie and me helping him scrub it out in the bathroom.. then we left, and picked up some love, and drank on the way there. Imagine amazing weather, the windows all down in the explorer, blasting good dance music downing swigs. We collected ourselves and went into the dance.. chilled for a while, took pictures, then danced for a good hour or so. Jeff and I were dying, already being pretty warm for obvious reasons then dancing - we were both drenched. But I remember leaning back and seeing the disco ball reflect on the ceiling and just feeling completely happy. The dance went on for a while and we continued to do our thing and then finally just plopped down. On the way out of the parking lot, the little red bull mini was there and we all grabbed some and it made our drinking/dancing with the windows down in the car much more enjoyable.

We drove around to different spots before settling at this guy Sam's. Jeff and I finished our bottle of JD and laughed our asses off at Sam's antics and suddenly I found myself running into his room with a couple of Jeff's girl friends raiding Sam's closet for clothes to wear into the hot tub. The next thing I knew, I was in the half-empty hot tub laughing with a group of people I barely knew, Sam bearing a speedo quite proudly. Liquid broke the ice in this case, and we all bonded. Jeff found his way out to the patio and sat with me... we all laughed more as the first few notes from Blackbird hit my ears and I freak out. The Beatles soundtrack continued as Duncan played over by the table and the group whittled down to two. I laid on the brick divide between the pool and the sad excuse for a hot tub, one hand in each body of water. The stars swam above me as I closed my eyes and let my awareness of the environment around me sink in.

Several hours, drinks, bagels, and blankets later... I woke up with only four hours of sleep under my belt. I attempted to sleep just a little more as Jeff socialized, then we all headed out for breakfast - formal wear and all. We had a very good breakfast at Red Apple in Watsonville, and then finally headed back to change at Jeff's. I spent the majority of the day laying around his house watching soccer with his family, sitting in his backyard petting his sweetheart of a dog, and eating. We went over to Beer Can Beach just long enough for my shoulders/arms to get brutally sunburned. Today the weather was amazing, I couldn't have asked for a better day to be in Aptos. I stayed long enough at the Christerson's for a nice little BBQ then headed out in the midst of the Sharks losing. My drive home was relaxing and 17 was much more enjoyable on the way back.

Speaking of 17 - the mere act of avoiding driving through Gilroy and Morgan Hill - of not passing by your exit - was a really good decision.

These past two days were just full of creating memories for me - even if it wasn't with anyone I'm particuarly close to. I love meeting new people, I love adventures, I love doing exactly what I did last night. Living life to the fullest, no regrets, no looking back. I felt so held back for so long - even when I didn't want to, I held back because I felt like it was respectful. Now, frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'm living my life exactly the way I want it. Maybe its me being a little bitter, maybe its me turning my head and acting like a little girl - but it works for me... and I feel good. I can't repeat how anxious I am to get out of here enough.

**Edit :
Pictures!

Somedays

Yesterday ended up better than I expected. Now I'm even more confused. And you can bet that after tonight, I will become even MORE confused.

Isn't that great?

I'm going to prom with Jeffrey tonight, should be awkward but fun. Night two of rediculous drunken parties, no doubt. As Donnie said yesterday, I'm training for college.

Regina Spektor is amazing.

I can try and pretend like I didn't expect that, but I did. I am awesome at fooling myself sometimes. Ohh man.

You's part two

You aren't getting the hint.

You are avoiding me and I hate it. Or maybe you're not, but it sure as hell feels like it.

You are an amazing person one-on-one, I wish I could bottle that up and keep it with me forever. I'd fall for that person. Too bad you blew me off.

You could be my husband in the future, I've thought it through.

You say you have always loved me, then expect me to just not react? To just go back to my life and forget... but then you don't respond to me.

You are so down-to-earth, I click with you and I love it.

You are starting to annoy me, and I'm going to do something about it.

You need to stop overdramatizing everything.

You strangely attract me?

I want one night with you.

Insomnia

I might have already posted these lyrics but I feel like they relate to how I feel.

And the bright-eyed choke on ambition

And the old folks circle their graves

And the young ones are busy destroying their names

And you're still just wasting away.

I sit and watch the screen for a message

Some kinda sign that says we're OK

But the screen stays blank till I turn the thing off

And wait for my conscience to break.

So, So, So

It's so damn slow
I hope you're learning to listen

And I hope you're learning to stay

And I hope you find what you're missing

And I hope that you're making your way

I'm a headcase if I don't keep moving

And my head hurts if I don't sit still

It's an itch that I'll never stop scratching

It's a hole that I'll never quite fill

I've been trying to write a real entry for like three days now but I'm not sure how to put how I feel into words.

I feel like a shallow person, but everyone says that I shouldn't feel that way at all. I just am so sick of so much. I am really starting to realize how low my tolerance level is, and how picky I really am. I have been moving too fast, I need to sit back and relax.

Its weird how you have that instant connection with some people.. and others there is not. Even when you try, its really not there. There is no conversation, nothing is interesting. It bores me. I don't want to spend more time in my life chasing, teaching. Attempting to come up with a makeshift connection that isn't really there.

I feel like my subconcious is a fucking retard. It loves to incorporate painful memories into my dreams, cause me to act like an idiot and disregard things to "protect myself". Idk what else. I just hate it sometimes.

Isn't it funny how I'm avoiding something and I know someone is avoiding something with me? I can sense it, I feel it in every aspect. So while I feel no remorse for my avoidance, I feel the direct effects of my actions through another person. I just wish I could talk things out with both people and get it out of my system. Yet this awkward little waltz goes on. Its starting to give me a headache.

It sucks that the one person I want to talk to about my problems is definitely 100% the wrong person to talk to about it all.

I just want to start fresh and new NOW. I can't wait to move, really. I can't wait for all of this to blend nicely into the background and to look back at all this and laugh.

I'm too fucking tired and I need to stop bitching... Ratatat will help me dance my way into slumber.

Explode

I am all over the place, mentally. Wtf. Why do I do these things to myself?

Note to self:

- Find the shotglass I bought in DC before Saturday
- Dream big
- Do not settle
- It's okay to look back on the past every once in a while and open up rather than living in a bubble
- Accept that life and the afterlife is scary as hell if you sit down and think of it.. but use it as more motivation to live your life to the fullest.


Late night thoughts are always the most interesting, haha.