we looked like giants

I'm going to cry like a baby tomorrow. Watching my best friend graduate is really going to hit me hard - next its MY graduation. I teared up practicing our singing for pops today. Its all coming at me so fast. 9 days left of high school. I graduate two weeks from today. Or yesterday, whichever way you look at it.

A big part of me wants to stay and be with Leeanna tomorrow and spend time in Gilroy after the graduation, but an even bigger part of me just wants to go back to my bubble. The mere chance that I might run into Eric drives me to the hills. I don't want to see him, yet I do. But I really really don't, haha. I haven't seen him since February. I haven't heard his voice in probably an equal amount of time... and although I do want to see him before I move, now's not the time.

I actually talked to Donnie about it last night. I really love that I can seriously talk about anything with him. I don't, obviously, because we still hardly know each other.. but I feel so comfortable with him. I actually trust him, as much as I can at this point. I'm really lucky that he's in my life right now. And he seems to want to stick around :) He's having dinner with my family sometime this week (maybe sunday), and he already has plans to come to my graduation party. Apparently he has plans to "embarass me in front of my whole family". Crazy boy.

Life is in such a strange place for me right now, but I'm trying to enjoy it the best I can.

Drama banquet was more fun than I was expecting - I really am going to miss my little theatre nerds. And I won best actress? Which was a pleasant surprise. I was up against Viv and I really didn't think that I'd win. Oh well, now I have a cheap trophy to remind me that a bunch of geeks think I'm a decent liar ;)

Time for sleep, I'm planning on submerging myself in Danny time tomorrow since it will most likely be the last time I see him until August :(

Dreams

I dreamt you missed me. You had this elaborate speech on how she doesn't compare, and I was all you wanted. Then Donnie came and took my hand and walked me out of the room.

My subconscious is interesting.

after sunset

This is what I don't like. This is what makes me uneasy. The not calling when I just got settled into being able to count on you... the waiting a lot longer than I expect to. Eeugh. Andrew says we should just be official already, but I don't know if thats a good idea. I have such an amazing time when I'm with youuu, but you're so busy and I hate waiting around for boys. I haaaaaate it. You called me at 7:45 saying you were going to grab a brownie, throw on clothes, then come get me... and call me when you're on your way. It has been almost an hour and I really hope something came up other than you just being a lame-o, haha.

I'm reading things I shouldn't be reading. Past things. I miss you being my best friend... so much. It makes me genuinely sad. Especially now that I'm leaving soon, that I'm graduating... all these things. The door is completely shut and it makes me really sad.

Life's a funny thing.

I am having weird feelings. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm paranoid, I'm retreating, I'm missing and feeling down. I am going to blame it on this weather.

I am honestly just really afraid of getting hurt again. I talked a lot about Eric today with Viv, I need to keep him far out of my mind. I'm going to be in town next weekend for the first time in a long while, and the last thing I want to do is see him.

I have only not hung out with donnie one day this week, yet now I'm missing him like crazy. I think I had too high of hopes that we'd get the day to ourselves today.. and he hasn't responded to my text. I'm just being crazy.

Eugh, weird mood. I'm off to eat crab cakes at the barlow's hahah

Dreams

Eugh. Bad dream. Bad bad dream. Get out of thereeeeeeeee.

respect my hustle

:) two straight weeks of hanging out. more even, i've lost track.

i am so relaxed, so comfortable, but it didn't come right away so i know its a sincere thing. needless to say, i've become quite fond of this boy.

its the weirdest thing - every time i even begin to have an inkling of anxiety about him not calling when he said he would, my phone rings and its him.

he's been super busy this week and there have been at least 3 or 4 days where i don't even consider thinking he'd be able to hang out, and he's found a way every single day to occupy my time. without me saying anything, too. :) i like this. i like that i really don't have to persue, i don't have to worry about him not calling, i dont have to worry at all.

in fact, there is not one thing about him that i can think of that i don't like.

i'm nervous because i had a bad first encounter with his twin sister when we were both drunk at a party, and she moved back for the summer and i really don't want to cause problems. i really just want her to be cool with me, i feel like i should apologize. whatever, i'm sure its not that big of a deal. it just seemed like this argument they had last weekend about her hating random people was centered around me.. idk.

i guess the only thing i don't like about this is how up in the air it is. and how much i'm really starting to care for him, and how its really starting to scare me. i can feel myself retreating a little bit, and its like a battle between my heart and mind all over again. my heart has chained my feet to the ground while my brain is using all its strength to pull me away.

donnie is just a good guy. more than that, he's just really chill. hes a good guy who i don't see any immediate flaws in. hes so mature, hes just.. great. i can talk to him about my past and my future and laugh and joke and be my sarcastic self and he just slings it right back at me. i like it :) a boy who can keep up with me, thats a first.

i just really hope things continue the way they are. we have hung out a lot, but not a lot of time alone yet. i mean, i slept over at his house on sunday which was so great. we just snuggled and watched amelie, and i fell asleep smiling because he was snoring like a freight train. i love that there is no pressure when i'm with him. that things are still a little bit awkward. that he respects me enough not to have sex with me yet. that he wakes up in the middle of the night to kiss me on the shoulder and rub my back... that he tries his hardest to stay up so i can fall asleep before he fills the room with his snoring (not that i cared, but he just kept trying to stay up/waking himself up). that he attacks me with kisses, he takes initiative but isn't overbearing. we have spent one-on-one time, but not like, real datey type things. which is fine since we're not technically dating? but idk, i'd like to see him before 9pm on a weeknight and maybe get to actually spend the after noon with him on a weekend.

which reminds me, i'm going to justin fitch's little afterparty thing on friday night with donnie, and i'm hoping we'll spend the night, then get to spend all saturday together. we have spent the night with each other like three times now and each time one or both of us has had to get up and do something. i was talking to him about it tonight and hes like well its officially summer for me now and its coming up soon for you so we'll have plenty of time to make up for that. :)

gushgushgushgush.

i seriously cannot remember the last time i was this content. despite everything that is going on around me that SHOULD stress me out... i'm so content. little things irk me herea nd there, but i'm so happy. and i love it :D

i still sleep too little but i think my body has adjusted by now. and i am too happy to complain... i've been taking a lot of naps lately :)

Absinthe party at the fly honey warehouse

I tried absinthe last night, its kinda gross? But I liked it. I love watching it get made. I was belligerent last night, to say the least, hahah.

Donnie and I drunk dialed a few people, one of which was Danny. Donnie took the phone from me and was like, "I just want you to know, I genuinely care about this girl. I like her -- more than a lot." :) And he repeated himself a lot to me throughout the night. He doesn't remember a lot of it, but I know he meant it. People kept asking us if we were dating, which was extremely awkward by the way, but Donnie's response was always "not yet". I'm fine either way, but that made me smile. That, and this...