Tonight I am sitting here and I don't need anyone. I am completely content where I am.

I do get emotions attached too easily to people so far away, I need to stop doing that. And as content as I am being where I am, I can't say I don't still think about you almost every day and miss you.

I still wonder if I should give it a chance. But I'm not going to vocalize how I'm doing thinking that one over until I'm sure of it. God knows you'd hate me for it.

Who knows if you'd even care to hear it anymore.

I feel insane.

I just looked up apartments in Vancouver.

This is redefining every idea of a relationship and how it's supposed to go. I never really believed in love at first sight or whatever, and I certainly don't think this is the case but I feel so incredibly drawn to you. And you make me so happy, happier than I've been in a long, long time.

It scares the shit out of me.

Some times I feel like we went through a breakup.

But we were never together.

It hurts.

My Lack of Skill

All my life, I waited for something great,
Here I am with nothing showing.
And all I want, yes it is all I wanted- it's us
I lost my chance maybe a month ago.
I waited long but I got to thinking
I waste my time because I'm always thinking I'm wrong.

And it's tough being alone when you're naive
And you just want to believe everything everyone says.
Oh, it would be great if I could just deal with it.

I'm packing up almost everything,
I'm moving out and starting over.
And all I want, maybe it's all I want, is love.
If that was it, then it would all be great,
But I can't walk without feeling lost.
And I don't know, I'm thinking it's all I know is us.

And it's tough being alone when you're naive.
And you just want to believe everything everyone says.
oh, it would be great if I could just deal...

Ahhh

And it's tough being alone when you're naive.
And you just want to believe everything and everyone.

I'm trying

to be a better person, in all aspects of my life.

I'm trying not to throw a fit when I don't get what I want, when you leave me to protect yourself, when he gets drunk and fucks her again.

I have wasted so much time this year sitting and letting this longing for love overtake me. In turn, I have been a bad friend, a bad student, and a bad employee on the days where things get rough.

I know I'm entitled to be upset, and I'm not saying I regret anything I went through. But I feel stronger. I'm trying to be strong, to be mature, to learn that in life, things are never perfect. I'm learning every day to appreciate the time I have alone and with friends.

But in this, I have been reflecting, a lot. I'm still not sure how to deal with you. And it saddens me, a lot. I don't know how long I can keep away from you, but I will. Because truthfully, I'm always going to be drawn to you. And for no good reason, really. It's not like we were together, or that I ever treated you the way I should have. But I was driving the other day, and burst out laughing thinking of our first night together. I remembered you and I running around and speaking in British accents, piggy back rides, McDonald's Run, me spitting the pickle in your face, our first kiss. And that night that I swear was straight out of a movie.

I don't know, but all I know is it is right for this distance and this separation. And I'm sorry I resisted it. Maybe it's taking me losing you to realize how much I do care about you. Maybe it's me wanting what I can't have. All I know, is I'm learning through this.

I haven't forgotten you, and I don't intend on losing you. I hope you feel the same.

I think I'm growing up. Half of me wants to speed through it and the other half of me wants to slow it down. So. Weird.

I'm making progress.

And I still miss you. But I think this separation is good. I just hope you don't hate me for not loving you. Sincerely.

Sometimes I wonder if I've already met you.

But you're wayyy too out of reach.