i'm really beginning not to like you

it's interesting.

Is it weird how good this is? It is. Is it weird how okay I am with it all? It is.

We'll see.

I feel safe just sitting across the table.

But, right now, I just had to call the cops on the couple downstairs because I could hear them threatening each other and I know they have a kid. I'm so shaken up because the cops came to my door by accident and I don't know. I just don't know. It reminds me of something that could have been escalated into that. It scares me.

Even though I know you're probably bipolar now, it still doesn't mean things will work out. I wish it could though.

I don't know what to do.

So my whole family calling me every day asking if I'm bringing a date to the wedding doesn't make things easier.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

I have found in exploring my chakras

in my voice and movement class,

I bury a lot more than I realize.

Working through things I've buried deep isn't easy. I have so many doubts, I really wish it didn't effect me so much.

:/

:[

Unsettled

Though I'm not entirely sure why. I just am so anxious to fast forward I'm not taking the time to enjoy what I have now.

Disney really threw me off, it scared me a lot. It reminded me a lot of why I hate weed. And seeing how you really have influenced me with that makes me kind of sad. I don't want to force you to quit and I don't want to let it bother me but I think it does. It does because it scares me and I do not enjoy the emotion terror - which surged through me as we stumbled away and I almost passed out.

Granted, that's a lot more likely to happen when I drink but it was just a big slap in the face - a big huge reminder as to why I've slowed down my partying significantly. I don't want to be the girl who's always high, I don't want to be the girl who's always drunk, I thought that was appealing at one point (though I'm not sure why anymore) and now I just don't want to waste any moment I have with you. I want to feel everything, I want to remember every moment. I don't want to forget, I especially don't want to smoke to the point where I'm around you and I don't remember.

I don't know. Just unsettled. It doesn't make my feelings for you any less, if anything I feel like it intensifies them. 

Also, I feel like I'm re-adjusting. I'm learning how to be dependent yet not too dependent and independent but not too distant. I trust you but I'm still scared shitless. I'm so scared and I just want the future to come sooner. My heart feels like it could burst from all the anticipation and love inside of it because of you.