Epiphany

Nathan came over last night and took me out to sushi... held my hand, gave me sweet kisses on the cheek and lips. Cuddled through the night, completely respected me. Got along with my friends, didn't go running when we played apples to apples and I was completely ridiculous, per usual. 

Yet, I just wanted to be alone with my friends or just alone in general. It dawned on me in a certain moment last night that I'm really over the whole guy phase I was in - granted, I'm still boy crazy as I think I always will be, but .. for the first time I can remember in the past 4 years, I didn't need him there to make me happy. And I was honestly not really focused on him. 

I swear, it was the most refreshing feeling in the world. And I think I have my friends to thank for that. They weren't kidding (whoever they are) when they say you meet your bridesmaids in college. I have the best group of girl friends I would never trade out for the world. I'm not sure how I will survive without them for the next 6 weeks. I know I will, but it definitely won't be the same. 

I'm so content with life right now, and for the first time in fucking forever, its not because I'm dating anyone or even talking with anyone. I don't count whatever is going on with nathan, simply because its sparratic and I honestly don't want to date him. And the one person that I would consider anything with is out of reach. 

Touching on that subject, its hard. To know that you have such chemistry with a person, to care about a person, but my arms are extended out pushing him away. And I feel awful. I just know better. 

Point is, I'm really fucking good lately. For the first time in forever. And just good. With no ifs ands or buts. I could easily bitch and moan about a LOT of things. I could dwell on Eric and how he has been completely ridiculous - deleting me when he really has no reason to be upset if I WAS dating nathan, he's in love with her isn't he?? or I could dwell on the fact that Mike thinks I'm "unattractive" randomly. But I don't care. I literally laughed out loud writing these things. 

I love my friends so much. I love the person I've become. I love that I've been celibate for nearly a month and even though I'm not sure that will be the case after break, but I'm seriously going to try. I need to respect myself. And now that I have finally established that respect... everything is coming together. 

I suppose I should pack now? I might just lay in bed and listen to this playlist for a while. 6 hour drive tomorrow by myself, expect an epic update when I get back because no doubt I'll be milling over a lot in my head. 

Content.