Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I just had the most vivid dream

that you found me and told me you regret everything about our breakup and that you were done with her, you only wanted me. I told you I didn't know and then you left and I overheard you breaking up with her. Then you came to me and asked if I'd have you back.

It was so incredibly vivid, crystal clear.

I don't want that? But I woke up feeling really odd.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010

I feel that I'm overdue for an entry in this journal.

School is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it'd be. But I'm getting through and it's awesome to hear "you're improving". I just have to constantly give myself perspective on it and remind myself that although the material is going to get harder, things will come easier.

And I'm almost a quarter the way through this program!

In other news, I am for the first time in my life content being single. Sure, I miss having someone a lot. But I love having girls nights and going to bed alone and I've really started to value the time I have with my roommates and best friends. I think that now once the right person comes along, it will be easier for me to let them in. I'm gaining a lot of perspective in many areas of my life.

It's weird growing up, but I'm glad my mind seems to have matured a little.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I don't know what is wrong with me but I am in such a funk.
I should be GRATEFUL. I should be so fucking grateful.

But right now I am just wishing I could be like any other college student.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

new promises

there's this line i don't know if i should cross. there's the idea of happiness that gives me hope. but am i being truthful to myself? to you? am i fooling us both? i don't know anymore.

maybe i'm just impatient.
or maybe you're just wonderful.
i don't know.
i don't.

i can feel my emotions starting to stir inside of me and i can feel that itch to give in. but i don't think i can handle the ache of the distance and the longing to have you by my side.
it's sometimes easier to dismiss it.

i don't know.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm not sure how to stop what I'm doing.

I want someone to be the reason I stop, but I haven't found anybody.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I give in too easily. I need to re-evaluate. It's hard.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Am I too picky?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I miss you is not code for let's get back together, although it'd be nice to pretend nothing ever happened. But it did.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I just want to meeeeeet someone

who peaks my interest and isn't forever away.

Monday, July 5, 2010

I would just like someone real and constant.

I need to stop fooling myself with the fillers.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Monday, June 7, 2010

I could honestly fly to scotland.

But I'm terrified to fall for someone who lives so far. And I feel like I will.

Friday, May 28, 2010

I wish

I had someone to fall for.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I made. my. program. Everything else in life feels insignificant now.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


I've been in a funk lately. I think it's because I've been bottling things up. Last semester I was so fucking motivated, so empowered. I was so open, so raw, so real. So refreshed, all the time, even when life was throwing me fireballs and spitting in my face.

Now, I feel stagnant. I think I felt more alive last semester because I was feeling SOMETHING. Right now all I feel is unmotivated and frustrated.

I'm going to be honest here. This is the first time that I can remember for yeaaaaars that I've been 100% alone. No guy I am still emotionally linked to who texts me all the time and gives me attention and strokes my ego. No fuck buddy. No booty call. And as sad as it is, I am so uncomfortable being where I'm at. I wish I wasn't, but I really am. I guess that makes me dependent on other people, but maybe it just makes me really connected to other people ? I don't know. I'm alone none the less. And I'm trying really hard to enjoy it. And I do, honestly. Just not always. And I guess this is the first time in a really long time I haven't really missed anybody to the point of heartache. Usually when I'm alone I reflect back on what's gone or what I wish had happened differently. I don't feel that way anymore. I just sorta feel numb.

I just really want someone who will live with me with a sense of adventure. And maybe I'm rushing it. I know I will be married for hopefully most of my life, so I really should enjoy the single life. And I think I am, haha. Just not late at night when I'm alone in my bed.

It's also difficult when I feel like I'm surrounded by people in relationships and so many people are getting engaged lately! (Not to say I'm not happy for them!) I just really feel like I have a lot to give to another person. And I think I deserve what someone else has to give to me. And maybe I'm just being a whiny girl, but I think I've always just looked for a companion. I was sort of raised as an only child with my siblings being so much older, and all I've ever really wanted was someone to be there by my side and do things with me. I never had that as a kid, and when I finally got a few tastes of it, it's like I got addicted.

I'm so thankful I'm no longer settling for less than I deserve, though. I'm lightyears ahead of where I used to be.

I really am happy with where I am, I guess it just gets clouded sometimes. I'm not completely satisfied with everything in my life and it's eating away at me because I'm not motivated enough to fix the things I can.

I need to get my head in the game. I have so many things piling up and I feel like I'm just laying on the ground watching these huge blankets of things to do fall down and cover me. I don't really understand why my inner-fire has dwindled down, but I hope I can revive it soon enough. And I finally know where the fuck my life is going by the end of this year, it seems like it's been eternity yet no time at all.

In the meantime, there's a lot of good food, a great group of friends, music, and as always, performing to keep me sane.

Maybe that's why I have been going nuts, I haven't really been truly performing/connecting lately. That's going to change soon.

It's all going to be over soon, I'm so close.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Staying up late/not being able to sleep

because you're lonely isn't a very good feeling.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I'm really tired of my life being in transition. I'm almost to the end of the BFA hopeful madness, yet for some reason I'm not that apprehensive about it.

I want to get out and go to New York or London or anywhere. I hate sitting still. I hate how busy I am right now.

This weekend for example:
9am class
11am class
1:30pm personal piece performance #1
3:00pm personal piece performance #2
7pm crew
10 party?

12:30pm crew
5pm work
10pm ? die? party?

12:30pm crew
5pm work

and all next week is similarly jam-packed.

My heart aches. I see pictures of James and it makes me ache and I don't know why. I miss Andy but I know it's not what I want. I miss someone being there. I miss loving someone. Being alone is hard. I'm bad at it. I used to be okay at it, but it's hard right now. My life is so hectic and instead of being content in my busy-ness and using it to distract from the fact that I'm a little lonely it seems to be overwhelming me. It's so stupid, but Neema says its okay because I'm human.

I feel so unfocused with school, my mind is all over the place. I'm frustrated because I'm feeling unmotivated so I get more frustrated.

I miss my heart fluttering, I feel like it's dead. (Very dramatic and emo, but also true).

I just ache. I feel trapped. I don't like being an adult.

This is the first time I haven't been consistently talking to a guy in a long time. I feel like I'm freaking out. I feel so incredibly lame for that too.

I don't know. I'm all over the place.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Being used as a journal?


Also, I don't like the way this feels.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I did something that I might regret later.

Vida la vida or something , right?

Meh meh meh

I am impatient. Get your ass out of the mormon tundra and come cuddle in my bed. Stop being such a famous film maker producer wonderful russian man and kiss my whole face like you promised.

You are steady. You want me like I want you. I want to know you better. Get here.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I hate that this itch that makes me miss you seems to keep popping up. But I think it's because I haven't fully moved on yet. Having you across the country helps, God knows how much I would mess with your head if you were closeby.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I want more than this.

Independence is good but I don't want to forget what good is. We'll see.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I want your attention.

I want you all to myself.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I should be seeing a show on Friday, going to the King Tut museum with my family and Andy Saturday afternoon then seeing a sketch comedy show Saturday night. Sunday morning would probably be filled with cuddles and breakfast and puppy time, and then I'd go have dinner with my parents. It would be the perfect goodbye weekend.

But, I'm interning. Not that I'm not excited for that, I really am. But it sucks.

And I'm not sure if I'll see you again before I go back to school because you're leaving for Sundance Wednesday and have a crazay crazy schedule. This timing sucks. I'm trying not to be sad about it.

I want day one back.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Sigh. I am a sucker for the littlest things.

Yet, there always seems to be one thing that turns it all back around.

Things like this make me thankful.
I'm hopeful but also skeptical.

I just want to fall in love again. I'm impatient. But this is a good start, a good beginning. I want a burning love, not a bright light that fades.