that you found me and told me you regret everything about our breakup and that you were done with her, you only wanted me. I told you I didn't know and then you left and I overheard you breaking up with her. Then you came to me and asked if I'd have you back.
It was so incredibly vivid, crystal clear.
I don't want that? But I woke up feeling really odd.
I feel that I'm overdue for an entry in this journal.
School is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it'd be. But I'm getting through and it's awesome to hear "you're improving". I just have to constantly give myself perspective on it and remind myself that although the material is going to get harder, things will come easier.
And I'm almost a quarter the way through this program!
In other news, I am for the first time in my life content being single. Sure, I miss having someone a lot. But I love having girls nights and going to bed alone and I've really started to value the time I have with my roommates and best friends. I think that now once the right person comes along, it will be easier for me to let them in. I'm gaining a lot of perspective in many areas of my life.
It's weird growing up, but I'm glad my mind seems to have matured a little.
I've been in a funk lately. I think it's because I've been bottling things up. Last semester I was so fucking motivated, so empowered. I was so open, so raw, so real. So refreshed, all the time, even when life was throwing me fireballs and spitting in my face.
Now, I feel stagnant. I think I felt more alive last semester because I was feeling SOMETHING. Right now all I feel is unmotivated and frustrated.
I'm going to be honest here. This is the first time that I can remember for yeaaaaars that I've been 100% alone. No guy I am still emotionally linked to who texts me all the time and gives me attention and strokes my ego. No fuck buddy. No booty call. And as sad as it is, I am so uncomfortable being where I'm at. I wish I wasn't, but I really am. I guess that makes me dependent on other people, but maybe it just makes me really connected to other people ? I don't know. I'm alone none the less. And I'm trying really hard to enjoy it. And I do, honestly. Just not always. And I guess this is the first time in a really long time I haven't really missed anybody to the point of heartache. Usually when I'm alone I reflect back on what's gone or what I wish had happened differently. I don't feel that way anymore. I just sorta feel numb.
I just really want someone who will live with me with a sense of adventure. And maybe I'm rushing it. I know I will be married for hopefully most of my life, so I really should enjoy the single life. And I think I am, haha. Just not late at night when I'm alone in my bed.
It's also difficult when I feel like I'm surrounded by people in relationships and so many people are getting engaged lately! (Not to say I'm not happy for them!) I just really feel like I have a lot to give to another person. And I think I deserve what someone else has to give to me. And maybe I'm just being a whiny girl, but I think I've always just looked for a companion. I was sort of raised as an only child with my siblings being so much older, and all I've ever really wanted was someone to be there by my side and do things with me. I never had that as a kid, and when I finally got a few tastes of it, it's like I got addicted.
I'm so thankful I'm no longer settling for less than I deserve, though. I'm lightyears ahead of where I used to be.
I really am happy with where I am, I guess it just gets clouded sometimes. I'm not completely satisfied with everything in my life and it's eating away at me because I'm not motivated enough to fix the things I can.
I need to get my head in the game. I have so many things piling up and I feel like I'm just laying on the ground watching these huge blankets of things to do fall down and cover me. I don't really understand why my inner-fire has dwindled down, but I hope I can revive it soon enough. And I finally know where the fuck my life is going by the end of this year, it seems like it's been eternity yet no time at all.
In the meantime, there's a lot of good food, a great group of friends, music, and as always, performing to keep me sane.
Maybe that's why I have been going nuts, I haven't really been truly performing/connecting lately. That's going to change soon.
I'm really tired of my life being in transition. I'm almost to the end of the BFA hopeful madness, yet for some reason I'm not that apprehensive about it.
I want to get out and go to New York or London or anywhere. I hate sitting still. I hate how busy I am right now.
This weekend for example:
1:30pm personal piece performance #1
3:00pm personal piece performance #2
10pm ? die? party?
and all next week is similarly jam-packed.
My heart aches. I see pictures of James and it makes me ache and I don't know why. I miss Andy but I know it's not what I want. I miss someone being there. I miss loving someone. Being alone is hard. I'm bad at it. I used to be okay at it, but it's hard right now. My life is so hectic and instead of being content in my busy-ness and using it to distract from the fact that I'm a little lonely it seems to be overwhelming me. It's so stupid, but Neema says its okay because I'm human.
I feel so unfocused with school, my mind is all over the place. I'm frustrated because I'm feeling unmotivated so I get more frustrated.
I miss my heart fluttering, I feel like it's dead. (Very dramatic and emo, but also true).
I just ache. I feel trapped. I don't like being an adult.
This is the first time I haven't been consistently talking to a guy in a long time. I feel like I'm freaking out. I feel so incredibly lame for that too.
I hate that this itch that makes me miss you seems to keep popping up. But I think it's because I haven't fully moved on yet. Having you across the country helps, God knows how much I would mess with your head if you were closeby.
I should be seeing a show on Friday, going to the King Tut museum with my family and Andy Saturday afternoon then seeing a sketch comedy show Saturday night. Sunday morning would probably be filled with cuddles and breakfast and puppy time, and then I'd go have dinner with my parents. It would be the perfect goodbye weekend.
But, I'm interning. Not that I'm not excited for that, I really am. But it sucks.
And I'm not sure if I'll see you again before I go back to school because you're leaving for Sundance Wednesday and have a crazay crazy schedule. This timing sucks. I'm trying not to be sad about it.