Thursday, July 24, 2008

Me: So I guess yesterday wasn't good?
Urosh: Let's just say I'm glad to not be throwing up at this moment
Me: :/ I hope that means you're starting to feel better.. I'm sorry, throwing up is the worst.
Urosh: I've had a huge migrane for like three days and its getting really old. I feel a little better today though.
Me: No good boy :( you should go to the doctor if it gets any worse. But I'm glad to hear its beyond the point of throwing up. I'm sorry, that's a bummerr.
Urosh: Thank you :) has anyone ever told you you are kinda nice? Just kinda?
Me: Haha, only kinda? No, no one's ever told me that before :P
Me: Well I hope you continue to feel better. it'd be nice to talk when you feel up to it - otherwise try not to disappear again, makes me assume ridiculous things
Urosh: I promise I will call you as soon as this headache goes away. Don't assume ridiculous things!
Me: Its hard not to when you go MIA for a week! But all that aside, feel better soon boy.


anxious. i move in 29 days. i just want to know.

donnie is being super cute... holding my hand and stealing kisses in the hall. confusing.

goodbyes are going to be hard, all around.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

He called. "so incredibly sorry." I called back, but I think he was busy. We'll see.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Ladder to the sun

I'm in a whirlwind of boy issues.

One is pretty much stalking me.
One is drunk dialing/texting me insane amounts begging me to come party with him in Santa Clara at 1am.
Donnie is donnie, in his own world and too busy to include anyone (namely me) into it. I'm done with his shit.

I feel completely idiotic saying this, but he makes me stand still. I bounce around like a crazy monkey released from the zoo when I'm single, and even Donnie only just slowed my ricocheting off the walls. With Urosh, I stand completely still. It scares the shit out of me that I want to risk it all for him. It's completely idiotic, and setting myself up for failure etc. etc. , but I've never felt this way before. And I've been in love. I'm not a hardcore believer in long distance relationships anymore, I did that for 2 years and it fell apart anyway. But, there's just something about him. It would probably never work and I'm getting really ahead of myself here, I just want to hear his voice. I just want to see him. I just want to get inside his head and understand. I try getting advise from people but all I hear is I'm moving in a month. And I know that. But I can't leave with these feelings left open. Without knowing.

Its SO stupid too. Why would I want to get into another long distance relationship with a boy I hardly know who happens to be insanely dedicated to his band? Because he's not like Eric in that I see his eyes focus away from his band. He's so much more mature, I mean he's freaking 21. I've talked with him about the issues I had with Eric and his band. He explained to me how he balanced it when he was in a relationship, he gets the balance. Maybe this is just me believing every word he says and being shallow or something. But he has yet to give me a reason not to believe him. Except maybe this whole stunt. I feel ridiculous, insane, and stupid. The reactions I get from my friends are along those lines. But I'm the only one who truly understands how I feel. I hate that I have to go through Nelson to find out stuff about Urosh because he's crazy to a certain extent and keeps trying to convince me that he's better for me and discourage me from Urosh. But I just want things to be fixed with Uroshhhhh. I'm so frustrated. Why are boys so manipulative, confusing, shy, or scared?!!!


From the very start
it came apart
it broke up into pieces and
there was a chance and i missed it
It could risked it

and I put myself into your hands

Cause you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun
oh you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun

I can run my courses
Opposing forces
and oh man I just...

If you want me then you can have me
take me, oh baby grab me
Cause if you want me then you can have me

Cause you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun
You're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun

oh now boy what you mean i've done
you set a course that you couldn't run
oh now boy what you mean i've done

I had it all and I risked it
I had it all and I risked it all
And I risked it all

And I risked it all
A ladder to the
A Ladder to the sun

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Coldplay was amazing. Beyond amazing. Nothing short of epic.

Apparently he's scared. He likes me too much already and doesn't want to lose me. So is that supposed to justify him dropping off the face of the earth the last 4 days? Something about him makes me want to risk it all. Nelson told me he likes me more than he liked his ex, who he went out with for 3 years. But he's scared. Of me moving, of me getting drunk at a party and forgetting him, of me rebounding like I rebounded off of Donnie and onto him. But he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that Donnie was just passing the time, that what he makes me feel is completely real. He's an honest guy, as nelson put it. There aren't too many of them left. He doesn't understand the tingling in my toes, the uproar in my stomach - the way he makes me feel. He makes me feel something like Eric made me feel - but better. I already trust him. I don't know, its extreme and lame but I swear - if he wanted to be together with me, I'd agree in a heartbeat. I'd make it work through the long distance, I'd sacrifice. I don't understand it, but that's how I feel. I don't know. I feel dumb, but its true.

Being in the same building as him and not calling him today killed me.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

i don't understand how am i supposed to feel when you say we’ll hang out today then dont talk to me at all yesterday or answer your phone today? should i just assume your phone is broken? is it wrong for me to be upset that you just didn’t bother trying to contact me? idk. i feel like a crazy needy stalker girl but honestly, you make plans and then you just disappear… how am i supposed to act? bummer. i’m just disappointed. and i do not like that. i hate it , even. i think my least favorite thing in the world is when people are MIA. especially after making plans. i just don’t understand it. even if i make plans and flake, which does happen, i at least let people know. at least let me know, give me some lame excuse as to why you’re flaking. i don't even know how to act - if i message you after calling you and texting you then what is that, stalking you? like what?! i dont understand. but i guess i have no choice but to let it go. it just sucks, i wish you would at least fucking message me or something. i thought you weren't like the rest.. you made a point of saying that. whatever, haha. i have not wasted time waiting for him, which is nice.

i hung out with donnie tonight, which was interesting. no kiss, no real hand holding or anything. a whole lot of physical tension. i think we're both just unsure since the 4th of july meltdown. but he said that now that school's over he's going to have a lot of free time. i said, oh? does that mean we actually get to hang out ? and he said, yeah thats why i mentioned it. like, what? i am just confused by it. i said to him for him to call me when he wasnt busy because i didn't want to bug him and he said no! bug me, please. bug me. !?! wtf? no! i hate that.

i just want to move already!!

Monday, July 14, 2008

you're different. you text me before bed, no matter what. come heeeeeeereeeeee, all i can think of are your big blue eyes (that you seem to think aren't blue) and that look.. that look you gave me :) eric used to look at me that way. i dont think anyone else ever has.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

"i would be lying if i said that i wasn't thinking about you all day today"

why must you be so close yet so far away?! and why did i meet you the friday before my busiest week ever!

Monday, July 7, 2008

I can't stop thinking about Urosh... Its just one of these things I can't explain. I feel like an idiot but I really can't. I'm utterly speechless and he's the same way.

"I came here with a load,
and it feels so much lighter since I met you"

Maybe this is me running into whoever's arms and being an empty shell? But wait, its not. I don't know. I know how I feel and I'm sick of people judging it. Life's too short, run with it.
So there's a lot I haven't posted on this particular blog. 4th of july was insane, I don't remember 65% of it - I had at least 12 shots and a beer... I was so happy for a while but it went down hill once Donnie showed up at Lauren's. I didn't expect him to come, so I had more than a few drinks to forget it all and just be happy. By the time he got there I could barely stand, and he was apparently there for like an hour and a half before he decided that he didn't want to take care of everyone because he had passed up seeing his friends to come to the party and everyone was just ridiculous (mj, if you're reading, take note of how i spelled it correctly haha). Long story short he left and I was super upset and was bawling like a child for an hour or so before I realized how stupid it was and jumped into the hot tub. A bunch of guys Libby had invited were there and I started talking with all of them. Before I knew it, I was alone, deep in conversation with one particular boy. Urosh. We spent the whole night talking and slept in the same room and whatnot.. I don't know. He's so great, but he confuses me a lot. I just talked things over with Donnie yesterday because he was really upset with me for being so unreasonable at the time, and we're cool. But in the 48 hours I've known Urosh, I already feel a connection with him that Donnie doesn't even come close to.


I'm off to Fullerton for orientation, but I'm sure I'll post more later.

Friday, July 4, 2008

I tried to keep my positive spirits high today but they have been below ground since last night. I'm desperately trying to deroot them now. I don't get to spend 4th of july with you, you're booked solid with parties but I can't say it surprises me. I keep thinking about last year and I made the mistake of watching our video from the rooftop yesterday.. its haunting me. I need to freaking let go. James says when I'm stressed I just need to focus on my breathing, it helps.

Watching Leeanna and Robert reminded me of a lot too, I wish I had someone fighting for me. All in due time. I need to relax and be patient, this is not the time or place for me to have anything like that. The part of me that still believes in a higher being believes this is God's plan, or something along those lines. That I'm supposed to learn from this.

I'm pretty insecure right now though. You turned your head to me, Leeanna's in Sacramento still with Robert... I'm going to chipotle with cameron then going to a bbq with a bunch of new acquaintances that have slowly been blossoming into friendships... but Donnie is usually with me when we party with them so we'll see. I partied with them without him a few weeks ago. I have become increasingly more insecure about my weight? Which is completely ridiculous but idk. 10 pounds. I can tell, but that's just me. I don't want to be that person who's insecure about her weight. That's not me at all. I need to exercise, I need to let go, just breathe. I'm wasting far too much time focusing on the fact that I'm either alone or unhappy. And I'm neither.

Thursday, July 3, 2008


I wrote this a while ago (about a year ago), I just found it and liked it a lot.

Void. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right, it’s not in place. You’re missing something. You ignore it as best you can and try to fill the hole with things that don’t belong there. A new love prospect that treats you worse than the boy you’re trying to make up for, you do things you wouldn’t normally do. You drink too much, and care too little. You stomp on the others to rise up; you desperately try everything to fill that hole. It’s almost as if you’re trying to plug the leak at the bottom of your boat with just your hands. No matter how hard you try, your ship keeps sinking. Until you hit rock bottom. You went too far – you helped a boy cheat on the love of his life, you got so drunk you were so belligerent you did things you shouldn’t have done. This only deepens your wound, that hole in your heart that you can’t fill. That feeling you can’t shake, that won’t go away. Nothing is right and you can’t figure out why. You’re drowning. You need that lifeboat, that hand to pull you up to the surface so you can breathe. Or do you? Can you save yourself? In time, that wound will heal. That void will diminish. Then all that will be left is scar tissue to remind you of the struggle you went through to be who you are.
hahaha i was "destroyed". :] hes cute, i just wish he had more timeeeeee. but apparently i'm in for some fun bahaha

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

me: i feel like he thinks he can take advantage f me because i let him lol
me: or like, ditch me you know?
neema: you do let him
neema: does it matter? you have almost 0 time left before you go studying living the rest of your life
neema: and youre here sitting letting one guy ruin your carefree summer
neema: after this its all buisiness. if you mess up later, it might not be able to be fixed.
neema: but now, whats going to happen.
neema: right now youre living the most carefree life
neema: party from 7-7, sleep in the morning
neema: in a month, even though there may be parties, its going to be affecting your future.
neema: right now, this has no affect on anything
neema: if you let a guy wind you up and down in college, and you let him get to your head,
neema: ....not good
neema: Basically: You Have nothing to lose now, but youre living life as if you do. What are you going to do in a monthish when you actually have something to lose?

i need to stop wasting my time. he calls me beautiful and apparently is 5'11"... sounds like a fun time. if not, i need to be alone again. its good for me