Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I don't know what it's like to blame you
Nothing's true 
I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I'm not sure that I really ever could
Hold on to a hotel key in a
Bedroom neighborhood
and go sleep-walking in Hollywood

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cus I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

Cus I miss you
It sucks that I'm not mad

I dont think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I get lost on the boulevard at night
Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right
the ten and the two is a lonely sight

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cus I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you

I'm gonna steer clear
Burn up in your atmosphere here
I'm gonna steer clear
Cus I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
see you there

I think I'm gonna stay gonna stay gonna stay in the gray gonna stay
All the street lights say nevermind nevermind
All the canyon lines say nevermind
Sunset says we see it all the time, nevermind, nevermind.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


As Katharine and I were laughing about old saved messages, I stumbled upon this one, and it still continues to confuse me.

"December 21, 2007 1:04 AM
please do not read this if you are still drunk because its
VERY emotional : /

I have been fucking up a lot lately i feel. I dont really know what i am supposed to say, but im just feeling bad right now so i figured id send you a message. I am sorry i wasnt there for you tonight when you called me i was playing drums at the time recording for johns project and i didnt hear it ringing or anything. but i dont know. I put you through a lot of extra crap that you really dont need. I really do want this to be the best it can be. I dont want to have any bad feelings between us and i kinda feel like its starting to turn into that but idk. I think its mainly me so i want to apologize. I dont care if you reply to. well let me rephrase that, i do care, but if you do not reply or talk to me about this i wont ask you to.
anyways, i really was seeing myself push you away because it hurts a lot to think about you and "us" but i know that that hurts you a lot because you feel like i have had this wall. well you are right, i guess i kinda do have wall up trying to protect myself but idk...i am willing to just let it all down even if its going to hurt a little more. i will do anything at this point to just make this ok. when i say "this" i dont mean like me and you being all happy and all thats stuff but i mean like...making this whole break up thing as easy as possible. that sounds really stupid because its going to be very hard. It has been very hard. Its not going to get easy anytime soon but idk. I am constantly feeling like i AM making this HARDER than it should be. so i wanted to apologize to you. I know its wierd on myspace but this gives you the oppurtunity to read it and i dont know. This would be hard to say on the phone without me freaking out and possibly starting an argument idk. I figure its better for you so you can read it and you can reply to me or not. i have no idea what im saying but i just didnt want to call you right now, and ist not because you dont have your phone. Which i am really sorry about too i keep calling it but ya no ones picking up. i wasnt really execting anyone to but i figured there might be a small chance. ANYWAYS...I am very sorry Lora that I have been making this harder than it should be. I take responsibility for it. I have been being a jerk and I have been trying to just push my bad feelings away. You deserve more than this whether or not we are together. I should show you more respect than I am and I should treat you better than I am. I am someone who has loved you for a very long time. And though its hard..I dont see what else I can do at this point in my life. Its hard to just push my feelings away, I know it is terrible but at least I am aware of it and admitting to my suckyness. I dont know Lora, I am just really sorry. You deserve better, and you are going to start getting it. I am not sure how but I am done trying to push away my feelings and I am done with this wall that I have up. I dont lora. : (
I have so many different emotions and its really hard to have any consistant ones so i think that is why i havent been telling you where i am at because i am so scattered brained. I have no idea what i am doing. i am so lost. : (

I hope some of this makes sense if not all of it.


At least he acknowledged the fact that he was dealing with things ridiculously, right?

Friday, October 24, 2008


Why do I do these things? The good thing I did was counter acted with a bad thing. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Square one

I gave him my number and he has a girlfriend, although he seemed to want to make it quite clear that he didn't want to be in that relationship. God, he's hot. We'll see. I don't want to homewreck or deal with a potential asshole with baggage.

But I'm lonely, in a strange way. A confident loneliness? If that makes sense..

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I'm giving the mystery hot man at my school my number tomorrow and I'm FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


is always swirling around me when it comes to the male species. Nathan is starting to show real interest, but I just don't know. I just don't. My dreams confuse me. The only people I feel really drawn to are out of my reach. 

I feel content in my solitude but yet at times, completely lonely. I just feel like that person is somewhere close... and I feel like I'll know exactly once I get there. Isn't that odd? I'm weird like that.

It still hurts. I don't want it to. More the loneliness, the curiosity that kills me. Will I ever be happy like that again? I miss it desperately. But who can blame me? Being in love is the best feeling in the world. I don't want you, I just want that. I want that with someone new.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

It scares me how much chemistry we have and how I can never have you. You came out of left field, can we just go to disney already? 

Saturday, October 11, 2008

What I want

It's about time I made it clear , more for myself than anything. 

I want someone who will walk into a crowded room and only see me.
I want consistency.
I want someone who will hold my face when we kiss, who will run his fingers through my hair (only when we're laying down and I don't have to be presentable.. and he'll know this).
I want someone who never will fail to make me smile or laugh.
I want someone who will remember the little things, and how I love them.
I want someone who will love me exactly as I love them.
I want someone who will take me on spontaneous trips to Disneyland, who will wear his mickey ears with me and who will hold me for the fireworks.
I want someone who will take me out to dinner.
I want someone who will understand that any clothes he lends to me are totally game for me to wear home and to bed anytime he's away.
I want someone who loves the music I love, and appreciates it as much as I do.
I want someone who reads and soaks in literature - who won't mind a day at home reading.
I want someone who loves movies and good TV and who will hold me tighter when I cry watching one (because I almost always do)
I want someone who respects the theatre
I want someone who will cook me dinner (even if its awful)
I want someone I can share with my family, and who wants to share me with his
I want someone who I can see every day but who understands that we should spend time apart
I want someone who knows the meaning of every one of my smiles
I want someone who will do things for us, even if its out of his way
I want someone who loves kids and dogs and kittens and bunnies or at least knows that I do
I want someone who will pull the car over just because he wants a kiss
I want someone to be proud of me
I want someone to be proud of
I want someone to have a passion like mine, no matter what it's for (except maybe drugs or porn ;])
I want someone to fight for me
I want someone worth fighting for
I want someone to want to know me
I want someone to want me for me, not for sex
I want someone to respect me
I want someone who respects my passion
I want someone who considers
I want someone who knows without me telling him
I want someone who calms my storm, who lifts me up and compliments my personality
I want someone to complete me, and I want to complete someone else. 

I want my puzzle piece.

And it's not all about me. I want to be able to be that person in every single way for him, too. 

I'm ready. Now where are you?