Unsettled

Though I'm not entirely sure why. I just am so anxious to fast forward I'm not taking the time to enjoy what I have now.

Disney really threw me off, it scared me a lot. It reminded me a lot of why I hate weed. And seeing how you really have influenced me with that makes me kind of sad. I don't want to force you to quit and I don't want to let it bother me but I think it does. It does because it scares me and I do not enjoy the emotion terror - which surged through me as we stumbled away and I almost passed out.

Granted, that's a lot more likely to happen when I drink but it was just a big slap in the face - a big huge reminder as to why I've slowed down my partying significantly. I don't want to be the girl who's always high, I don't want to be the girl who's always drunk, I thought that was appealing at one point (though I'm not sure why anymore) and now I just don't want to waste any moment I have with you. I want to feel everything, I want to remember every moment. I don't want to forget, I especially don't want to smoke to the point where I'm around you and I don't remember.

I don't know. Just unsettled. It doesn't make my feelings for you any less, if anything I feel like it intensifies them. 

Also, I feel like I'm re-adjusting. I'm learning how to be dependent yet not too dependent and independent but not too distant. I trust you but I'm still scared shitless. I'm so scared and I just want the future to come sooner. My heart feels like it could burst from all the anticipation and love inside of it because of you.

Falling into place

A click.

The flip of a latch locking into place, the satisfying muted flick you hear when you push together two pieces of cardboard puzzle together, the sound of a key going into a lock and fitting perfectly, reorganizing boxes in your car so you can add more when you're moving, the soft clack of a locket closing and clasping together.

That's what I feel when I'm laying in your arms. That kind of satisfaction. That kind of contentment. That I'm secure, that I am right where I need to be. You calm me down and you speed me up, you motivate me and keep me grounded all at once. You inspire me to be better.

I am falling harder and harder for you each moment we breathe together. I could lay around all day and just breathe you in and I think I'd be happy.

For those of you who value religion in your life:

Start reading my mom's blog, it's cute and inspiring. She's just finished her first Bible Study and is looking into getting it published so she's using her blog as a little publicity haha

http://bajumil.blogspot.com/

:)

March 20, 2009 (12:08am)

"Ps-
I feel so content alone today. I feel you looming near, whoever you are. I know you’ll come into my life at the right time. And it will be beautiful, us falling into one another and losing all control. You’ll change everything, and we’ll conquer the world hand in hand. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this year. But one day, you and I, whoever you are - we’ll make this world our own."

Demolition Day (written march 22, 2009 3:57am)

"I don’t want to be the one pushing. I don’t want to be the one pulling, wanting, needing. I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. I can’t make anyone do those things for me, and I am done fooling myself thinking that I am wanted. I’m done knocking down other people’s walls only for them to be too scared to face mine.

I want someone who will meet me on the same level. Who will look me in the eye, and demolish the barriers I’ve set up. And maybe he won’t even do it intentionally, but his wrecking ball will wipe away any sort of hurdle. We’ll hold hands and I’ll push through his walls. We’ll stand amidst the wreckage and we will be beautiful.

When is our demolition day?"

Motivation

I need to do something to motivate myself into what I'm pursuing again. I want it, I always have but I can't help thinking about issues I want to help push - like my bill for Y&G, how I want to be able to make a significant change.

Maybe it's just because I'm really starting to like being home again, but it's more than just James. I love to perform, that's true, but I am losing my drive. I need to see a show , I need to do something I need to work on something so I am motivated.

I just hate that the next year of my life is going to be jumping through hoops and kissing ass, only to have an 80% chance of not succeeding. I know I get a great education in exchange, but I don't know. I'm young, I have so many other passions, so many other things I want to pursue and learn. I want to do a semester abroad in London, I want to live in New York. Such a big part of me wishes I could just pick up and go there some days.

Maybe I belong in politics afterall. And not stupid elected presidency or anything. But a congresswoman or senator. That would be so awesome, like, being able to make a difference - being able to improve this stupid little earth while we still can. People take this life, this earth, for granted. Maybe I should just become an environmentalist hahah. I am really passionate about the bill I studied and being green and recycling, but I can't say I do all of these things myself. But the bill that I wrote would motivate everyone to because it would eventually lower prices of products that encourage green living.

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

All I know is that I am a little lost in that regard, but I have never been more sure of where I am with James. I looked back on some old entries, and every time I read "I'm just waiting for that one person to change my mind" or something along those lines... I smile so big. Because it was worth the wait. I found him. We found each other. And it's amazing. I know that its going to suck a whole fucking lot after summer but I think we can handle it. And it's only for a year, and he seemed to be thinking along the same lines I do.

I see myself with him for quite a long time. I can only hope and love.

So far,

I am blown away by you. Completely and utterly blown away.

Day one, the zoo, planet earth, pizza my heart, fitting perfectly into your arms and plenty of bacardi. Liquid courage, as we both seem to call it. The question, the answer, the undeniable connection.

Waking up to an amazing breakfast and an even more amazing proposition, a new start. A beginning. Spent the entire day together driving with no maps - stopping at the coast and in the trees for a breath of fresh air, but that was hardly necessary - any moment with you is like breathing in mountain air. The entire night just staring at each other and soaking each other in. Talking, confessing.

This weekend, from beginning to end was flawless. Being introduced to your friends and them liking me, plans for double (triple?) dates, posing for photos. Not even posing, just being us. We don't have to pose to be happy. Dancing, kissing, getting little sleep. Your sleep talking, "it's the thought that counts" hahah. Planning to wake up early for a breakfast date, sleeping in a little later than expected and going to Rudy's for a brunch date. Roaming around, adventuring, laughing. So much laughter. Naptime, movie date, Johnny Roscoe, actual sleep. Barney's and our crashing milkshake.

I can't get enough. I just have this feeling, deep in my gut. This feeling that this is something so good. I am good for you, I can already see the results of it - and you are so good for me. We motivate each other, we hold each other up. We encourage and liste and work so freaking well.

I have never felt this way before. I never thought something could redefine everything I have ever thought of a relationship and falling in love so quickly. We both are on exactly the same page and that's all that matters.

I am so, freaking happy. I keep saying it's too good to be true - but it is true. And it's not too good, its perfect. We talked about that, nothing is too good or too perfect. It's absolutely perfect the way it is, no excess of perfection. Just, content. Amazing. Perfect.