Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
I feel so content alone today. I feel you looming near, whoever you are. I know you’ll come into my life at the right time. And it will be beautiful, us falling into one another and losing all control. You’ll change everything, and we’ll conquer the world hand in hand. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this year. But one day, you and I, whoever you are - we’ll make this world our own."
"I don’t want to be the one pushing. I don’t want to be the one pulling, wanting, needing. I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. I can’t make anyone do those things for me, and I am done fooling myself thinking that I am wanted. I’m done knocking down other people’s walls only for them to be too scared to face mine.
I want someone who will meet me on the same level. Who will look me in the eye, and demolish the barriers I’ve set up. And maybe he won’t even do it intentionally, but his wrecking ball will wipe away any sort of hurdle. We’ll hold hands and I’ll push through his walls. We’ll stand amidst the wreckage and we will be beautiful.
When is our demolition day?"
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Maybe it's just because I'm really starting to like being home again, but it's more than just James. I love to perform, that's true, but I am losing my drive. I need to see a show , I need to do something I need to work on something so I am motivated.
I just hate that the next year of my life is going to be jumping through hoops and kissing ass, only to have an 80% chance of not succeeding. I know I get a great education in exchange, but I don't know. I'm young, I have so many other passions, so many other things I want to pursue and learn. I want to do a semester abroad in London, I want to live in New York. Such a big part of me wishes I could just pick up and go there some days.
Maybe I belong in politics afterall. And not stupid elected presidency or anything. But a congresswoman or senator. That would be so awesome, like, being able to make a difference - being able to improve this stupid little earth while we still can. People take this life, this earth, for granted. Maybe I should just become an environmentalist hahah. I am really passionate about the bill I studied and being green and recycling, but I can't say I do all of these things myself. But the bill that I wrote would motivate everyone to because it would eventually lower prices of products that encourage green living.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
All I know is that I am a little lost in that regard, but I have never been more sure of where I am with James. I looked back on some old entries, and every time I read "I'm just waiting for that one person to change my mind" or something along those lines... I smile so big. Because it was worth the wait. I found him. We found each other. And it's amazing. I know that its going to suck a whole fucking lot after summer but I think we can handle it. And it's only for a year, and he seemed to be thinking along the same lines I do.
I see myself with him for quite a long time. I can only hope and love.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Day one, the zoo, planet earth, pizza my heart, fitting perfectly into your arms and plenty of bacardi. Liquid courage, as we both seem to call it. The question, the answer, the undeniable connection.
Waking up to an amazing breakfast and an even more amazing proposition, a new start. A beginning. Spent the entire day together driving with no maps - stopping at the coast and in the trees for a breath of fresh air, but that was hardly necessary - any moment with you is like breathing in mountain air. The entire night just staring at each other and soaking each other in. Talking, confessing.
This weekend, from beginning to end was flawless. Being introduced to your friends and them liking me, plans for double (triple?) dates, posing for photos. Not even posing, just being us. We don't have to pose to be happy. Dancing, kissing, getting little sleep. Your sleep talking, "it's the thought that counts" hahah. Planning to wake up early for a breakfast date, sleeping in a little later than expected and going to Rudy's for a brunch date. Roaming around, adventuring, laughing. So much laughter. Naptime, movie date, Johnny Roscoe, actual sleep. Barney's and our crashing milkshake.
I can't get enough. I just have this feeling, deep in my gut. This feeling that this is something so good. I am good for you, I can already see the results of it - and you are so good for me. We motivate each other, we hold each other up. We encourage and liste and work so freaking well.
I have never felt this way before. I never thought something could redefine everything I have ever thought of a relationship and falling in love so quickly. We both are on exactly the same page and that's all that matters.
I am so, freaking happy. I keep saying it's too good to be true - but it is true. And it's not too good, its perfect. We talked about that, nothing is too good or too perfect. It's absolutely perfect the way it is, no excess of perfection. Just, content. Amazing. Perfect.