Saturday, March 29, 2008

"Thank you for walking into my life"

Life is a funny little thing. I haven't been able to bring myself to finishing a blog in a while, but I think I might give it a shot tonight.

As I mentioned before, DC was amazing. I love traveling and experiencing new places and re-experiencing places... creating mental pictures for the memory album within my mind. I just found out that I'm going down to Fullerton the weekend of April 14 for the open house and to register and all that... I'm really excited. I'm going to hopefully get to see my brother and some Y&G loves as well.

Its really odd to me that I'm leaving in less than 5 months. March is nearly over, April is almost completely booked already, and I'm looking forward to May and all its (hopeful) relaxation.

I feel like I've been saying the same thing every month... that I can't wait for things to end so I'll have TIME. But in reality, I have been saying that all year, and I still don't really feel any less busy haha. This hasn't even felt like spring break, just a really long weekend. And honestly? It has been so low-key compared to my crazy winter break. I haven't been to a party since... well, I really don't know when. Tyler Smith's helllaaa days ago? That's unusual for me. But I've either been out of town, working, or otherwise occupied when other parties come up. I haven't drank since Derek showed up with that bottle of red wine when my parents were gone, but I didn't even drink a significant amount then. It feels kind of nice. Especially because I know next year I'm just going to be trashed all the time, hahah or so I believe.

Back to what I was beginning to say - leaving seems so foreign to me. Like, I'm really moving away to college? My life is really beginning? It's such an odd thing.

Things with Brett have been going really well. I feel like we've known each other a lot longer than we really have. It's nice. I don't expect a lot, and I'm not taking it ultra seriously. But it is getting "serious", at least to the point where I know he's not just going to flake out on me like some random asshole. And that's a nice thing to know. Plus, he's rediculously sweet and makes me very happy. He does a lot of little things that really make me get intense butterflies. Holding my face, cute little surprise kisses, so many things. Singing together, harmonizing. So cheesy, but so wonderful hahah.

I asked him to ball in an ultra sweet way (that I'm pretty proud of!) and I'm stoked for it. He really is the perfect date - everyone I've introduced him to already has gotten along with him and I know I'm not going to have to like, cater to his needs. I know that I am going to be able to romp around and be social with him and have him interact with people even if he doesn't really know them, dance the night away, and I know he'll be nothing but a perfect gentleman to me as a date. :) Its going to be great.

I keep letting the fact that its senior ball overshadow the fact that it's going to be my 18th birthday!! So strangeeee. I'm going to be a big girl. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow, I'm excited :D

Life is passing me by far too quickly.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Its been a while

DC was amazing. I had a ton of fun, bonded, and made a lot of good memories.
To be continued, I need sleep.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

breathe easy for a while

Ashland was wonderful. Super relaxing and all the shows we saw were phenomonal.

It was nice to get away, I'm so sick of home yet so homesick? Irony.

I have to memorize all my lines for my scene by tomorrow AND memorize a brand new monologue. Eeek. Although I have been told good things about my standings in the casting process, I am still slightly nervous. Auditioning in front of you peers is slightly scary...

Today was really good :)

Date number two. More swing dancing, a picnic in the park, chimichangas, watching the sun set on Fish Ranch Road, and push pops. Six hours of wonderfulness.

I'm still very guarded... but its good. I'm scared to death of being hurt again haha. Super paranoid. Buuuuuuut he makes me smile a lot and is absolutely adorable. :)

Thursday, March 13, 2008


Peach milk green tea with boba, crepes, good conversation, chemistry, doors being held open and checks being paid for, and the best of all - an hour of swing dancing to the beatles.... and a goodbye kiss :)

Trying not to psych myself out, but I'm damnnnn happy. He's a big sweetheart, and his name is Brett. (not to be confused with prom brett... this is the brett of the future hahaha )


Off to Ashland until Sundayyy, I'm seeing him again Monday :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Who knew?

:D Can I just say, I am stoked!@!!!! Date tomorrow. Say it again, DATE TOMORROW. :D With a boy who loves green tea, appreciates/respects girls, music, and swing dancing. And is in an adorable hellogoodbye-esque band (even though I made a vow never to date a boy in a band again... he is definitely an exception.) And is as amazingly obsessed with acapella groups as I am!!!!

Allll sorts of butterflies :D I'm such a freak, but you have no idea how perfect this boy is :) He wants to write music togetherrrrr skdlfjslkdfja;dsf

Sleep now !

Ps- Having the boys over and making music/learning explosions in the sky on piano/ making tsd vids/wine/justin making us pasta = amazing. i love my parents being gone!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Will you dance with me tonight?

Hmmm. So maybe not all boys are so awful after all. I think my theory that once you give up on boys, the right one will come along is ironically right.. or at least, seems to be.

This is all very premature, and I mean really. But if someone can be that sweet and give me butterflies that fast, I think I'm allowed to be happy :) Especially because I know for a fact he's not just out to get some. :) He wants to teach me how to swing danceeeeeee ! :D

My day yesterday with Tess was wonderful. We didn't end up biking/going to the beach but we got lunch/ice cream and sat around in the park. It was such a beautiful day! And I love that girl to death, I swear.
I have a habit of photographing my food...

BOMB ass pesto sammy. & tess' dog munder :D

No school until 12:30 tomorrow YEAHHH! :) And I got an ipod today ! Double yeahh! And my parents leave tomorrow! TRIPLE YEAH! :D

I'm not your stepping stone

Does any other boy want to screw me over? Or lead me on then drop out of my life/be a douchebag? Seriously, go ahead. You might as well... seems to be the cool thing to do lately.

I don't get it. This brings me back to the why's I didn't want to think about from a long time ago.

I want to get out of hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so done. Done done done done !!!


Thursday, March 6, 2008

Wherever you are, I hope that you're happy tonight

My horoscope had good advice.

"You're feeling a bit distracted right now, but you're worrying about things that really don't deserve all of this attention. These problems you are struggling with are molehills, not mountains. You've let little things grow in your imagination into big things -- but they aren't, really. So let go of all of this worry! These are things you just can't do anything about, and they will take care of themselves soon enough, anyhow. In the meantime, focus on good thoughts that will lighten your mood. "

Today was pretty bleh. I think a lot of it had to do with Megan being gone, she usually helps my days feel less lonely. She's been the one constant person in my life I can tell everything to lately, and so without her, especially on a day where I was feeling the way I was, it was especially hard. (Insert d'awhhhh here hahah) Not to mention my body decided to be even more of a zombie today rather than yesterday (even though I was running on four hours of sleep yesterday? I don't know.)

Its really odd to not have that one consistant person in your life. Eric was my constant for almost three years, and without him I feel a definite hole in my life. It's slowly healing over, but there are days where I sit around and just feel so alone. And I know, I'm not at all. I really am fortunate to be blessed with all the people around me. My theatre lovies, Megan, Mely, Tess, Leeanna, Danny.. so many people. It's just an odd feeling, you know? I have all these people who are close with me, but Eric really was like my other half. That's hard to replace.

Its like ... you have this constant reassurance. You never have to worry about what you look like, what someone thinks of you, whether they think you're pretty or not, whether you are a good person or not in the eyes of other people.. you don't worry if you spend the night at home. You don't worry about much at all , really. Because you know that whatever happens, you have this person who will be with you through it all and loves you exactly as you are - flaws and all. Now, I still don't really think about what people think of me (luckily), but I have these moments where I reflect and worry if anybody will ever take me as I am like that again. I have these moments where I feel lonely, and all of a sudden I feel as if I've been thrown out of my safe house, and that all the doors back inside are locked and bolted.

I stand outside and knock, then I turn away and run. Almost as if I'm doorbell ditching my heart. Its like my heart wants to keep reminding me that it does, in fact, feel something. Or at least it did, and it's not just going to go away overnight. And even when it does begin to heal, its a slow process. I am not a patient person when it comes to these things.

The rediculous thing is that I don't want what I had with Eric again. I don't want a relationship at all right now, I'm leaving in six months and unless the boy was going with me and freaking blew my mind, I wouldn't want to even think about a relationship. I thought that I just wanted to date around and "have fun", which is still true to a certain extent but due to recent events I have decided that might not be the greatest idea. Boys who just wanna have fun are much different from those girls that Cindy Lauper sang so lovingly about -- they don't give a shit. But I'm not entirely sure if I blame them, why should they?

Yet I sit here and I miss constance. I miss cuddles, I miss forgetting everything around me to just sit around and be completely 100% happy. I wish I had someone in my life who could make me feel that way again but that I didn't feel attatched to. That is literally impossible, hahah. Oh well.

I have a good thing going with someone, but its not really anything I can be too excited about. He's leaving Sunday to go back to school and even though my time spent with him is great... I can't let myself really enjoy it almost, you know? I'm seeing him Saturday and probably spending the night out with him but we'll see.

I really wish I could just delete my thoughts. Or put a sort of filter on them like you do on your internet options. I'd switch it to HIGH and block every thought I've had regarding missing Eric. Its honestly the last thing I want to do right now, and I have been doing really well lately. It's of course understandable that I do miss him, but I just hate it. It brings me down. It gets my insides churning, it makes the things that have been going well for me blurr into the background of this hole that opens up in the pit of my stomach.

I have such mood swings, though. I feel this way but then something will happen and its like I open my eyes and see how good things are going around me. I really shouldn't even be complaining, but this is my blogspot and I am entitled to bitch about my stupid problems :)

I need to catch up on some sleep, plus I'm working hella this weekend. Goodnight, little blog. You really have become theraputic for me.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I blame you, I thank you

Wasn't having it all that day
Having thought I was there is fine
Don't know what can be hard to say, oh
That's a sign of a better time
You know now
The hours that go in front of me
Remind it how it used to be
And you down in the grass with me
The hours of choking century
I blame you, I thank you

Weird series of events, weird mood, weird weird weird. Yesterday turned out to be good, although I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling now. Everything is so ironic lately, I don't know how to handle it.

I think I'm just super tired, and my extreme fatigue is causing my mind to churn. I hate that. I was up till 3 last night, and although it was enjoyable, I can feel myself turning into a zombie.

I'm stoked on next week, my parents are going out of town the two days we have the CAHSEE testing and Megan and such are gonna come over and we are going to have fun :) Saturday night should be good too, although I'm not sure.. we'll see.

I had a very interesting conversation with someone yesterday. He apologized, which was surprising, but I'm pretty sure his intentions are tainted. That whole situation just makes me laugh.

I hate feeling like I'm stuck in this transition phase in my life. I'm just waiting for so much, I'm so anxious for it all to just begin!

I really hope I can go to Coachella still. I don't know if I can afford it. I'm applying what I've learned in Econ to my daily life, making tradeoffs left and right and always considering the opportunity cost, bahaha.

Hopefully I'm going back out tonight to see Megan and the boys, if not .. bed super early.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Hearts wrapped in blankets, laying low

Your friends hold the lullabies
They watch the way the night lies
Soft sounds, heads like a radio
Hearts wrapped in blankets, laying low
You're cold, maybe you just missed the sun
You fall, feeling like its just begun
So far, keeping it together's been enough
Look up, rain is falling, looks like love

I think I faced a lot of my issues head on for a while, but now I'm beginning to realize I also shut a few out. Now they are creeping back in front of me, mocking me as they trickle into my dreams.

It's so odd to me how far away my relationship with E* seems. I feel as though when I look back on it, it's just this idea I can only look at through a glass case. Almost like watching a TV...the images and tangibility confined to the little box in front of me. I step away and look at myself in the mirror and a wave of realization washes over me. It's really odd how much things can change in such a short amount of time. I feel like a completely different person. My priorities have shifted significantly, and I am finally living my own life without too many cares.

But that void still comes from time to time. I sit and reflect and it's just such an odd feeling. Where something that was once so familar seems so foreign...

On a lighter note, I hung out with C today and had a good time. Things are going well for him finally, and he's actually doing something with his life! Ahah but really, he's doing well and I'm genuinely happy for him. It was nice to catch up and spend time with him, he's a goofball. I'm not sure he will ever be more than that to me, which I think is a good thing.

S comes home tomorrow for spring break and I'm really excited. When we hung out over winter break I was sort of a mess, so it will be nice to actually spend time with him when I'm not having any emotional turmoil. He's a genuine sweetheart and he really cares about me, at least as a friend and that really means a lot to me.

I'm so excited for my weekend with Tess. And Leeanna hopefully is getting her license tomorrow, which hopefully! means I get to see her more often.
I wish I wasn't working so muchhh but I need the money :( And I wish I wasn't so goddamn busy so I could squeeze more time in for the people I want to see!

Blah blah blah ramble ramble ramble writing this helped me feel better. Sleep is calling.

- L <3

* I've decided to start calling boys by the first letter of their name all Gossip Girl like because I'm a loser and it makes me feel cool. Not. I just don't really like naming names incase people get snoopy... yadig?

PS- I'm now a "habitual truant" and probably should tell my mom about the forged notes before the assistant principal does... but that means no more skipping class for the rest of the year. It especially sucks because when I turn 18, I won't get to sign myself out even if I wanted to!

Monday, March 3, 2008

San Diego

This weekend was good. It was really nice to get away, and even though it wasn't full of exciting things to do, it was really relaxing and it's always wonderful to spend time with my sister. She got her dress, its gorgeous. I would post pictures, but I'm too afraid Zach will somehow stumble upon them... haha I'm so superstitious!

Now that I'm home I'm faced with a wave of realities I was lucky enough to forget about when I went away. I feel better about a lot of things, however. A lot more carefree.

After being down south and all, it really makes me even more anxious to get the hell out of here and start my life! I'm a broken record. I think my sister and Zach are going to Coachella, which is an even better reason why my parents should let me go :) I'm so excited.

So many other things going on, its rediculous. I'm gonna be a busy bee in the next few weeks! I say that a lot because its looming in the back of my mind... but I'm going to try and enjoy my time off while I can. Except I'm working a ton this week because I need money desperately. I'm supposed to pay for all my spending money/meal money on these trips, plus Coachella... so I'd better not spend a penny until I need to.

I'm really excited to see Tess this weekend though, it makes the fact that I'm working 12 hours in less than 24 seem like nothing. We're going to have a girls night and then probably go for a bike ride on Sunday. :) Sounds so incredibly perfect! I'm so glad I have people like her to turn to. If I don't have a cute boy to go on dates with, I'll go on girl dates! Hahah.

My mom played Wii this weekend, it was hilarious. She kicked my ass at bowling, but then the second game I had a comeback with four strikes and a score of 206! Wooooo. She wants one now, I think its cute. As much as she can get on my nerves (and she did this weekend), I'm so fortunate to have her in my life. Especially after all the brain surgeries and hospital time.
Ramble ramble. Picture time, then I'm literally diving into my bed!! SO much better than the couch :)

My mom playing wii , ahhaha
The table settings for the wedding :)
All these are from Balboa park, where my sister is going to have her wedding photos. These are prospective spots haha :)