Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm trying

to be a better person, in all aspects of my life.

I'm trying not to throw a fit when I don't get what I want, when you leave me to protect yourself, when he gets drunk and fucks her again.

I have wasted so much time this year sitting and letting this longing for love overtake me. In turn, I have been a bad friend, a bad student, and a bad employee on the days where things get rough.

I know I'm entitled to be upset, and I'm not saying I regret anything I went through. But I feel stronger. I'm trying to be strong, to be mature, to learn that in life, things are never perfect. I'm learning every day to appreciate the time I have alone and with friends.

But in this, I have been reflecting, a lot. I'm still not sure how to deal with you. And it saddens me, a lot. I don't know how long I can keep away from you, but I will. Because truthfully, I'm always going to be drawn to you. And for no good reason, really. It's not like we were together, or that I ever treated you the way I should have. But I was driving the other day, and burst out laughing thinking of our first night together. I remembered you and I running around and speaking in British accents, piggy back rides, McDonald's Run, me spitting the pickle in your face, our first kiss. And that night that I swear was straight out of a movie.

I don't know, but all I know is it is right for this distance and this separation. And I'm sorry I resisted it. Maybe it's taking me losing you to realize how much I do care about you. Maybe it's me wanting what I can't have. All I know, is I'm learning through this.

I haven't forgotten you, and I don't intend on losing you. I hope you feel the same.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I think I'm growing up. Half of me wants to speed through it and the other half of me wants to slow it down. So. Weird.

I'm making progress.

And I still miss you. But I think this separation is good. I just hope you don't hate me for not loving you. Sincerely.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sometimes I wonder if I've already met you.

But you're wayyy too out of reach.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I'm feeling much better. Today was a better day. I wish every day was this simple. I'm learning to love being by myself, day by day.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

It's just one of those nights. I'm so sick of this, I'm SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Tisbury Lane

I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying to be all I can be, to not let these people get the best of me. But I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. My heart hurts. I feel so raw and exposed and I want to feel whole again. I'm lying here with my chest wide open in my own little fort.

You don't love me. You only love the idea of me. You have no idea who I am. I'm sick of false love. I'm sick of people telling me they care about me then just walking all over me, like my feelings don't matter. You say you care, yet you let shit like this happen.

I just need to be alone, I guess. I've been saying the same thing for a year now and somehow it isn't getting any easier. Listening to Mae reminds me of who I really am, or maybe just who I once was.

Sunday, March 8, 2009



Am I anymore? I'm fairly certain you're the only one who understood me. It scares me that you might be the only one who ever will, and I can't even really be your friend.

Just a touch of nostalgia.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


I need to be alone. Once I'm okay with being alone, maybe you'll come find me. Maybe then things will be clearer. All I know is right now, I don't want half-ass. I want someone completely. And it's about time I start demanding all of someone and preparing to give all of myself to someone else. 

So, solitude. I'm done with you, Mr. Halfass, Mr. Bullshit, Mr. Bodysnatcher. 

Waiting for Mr. Right. Holding out until I meet him. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


You are sleepin on my couch in front of me. I could get used to this, but it scares me a little bit. You're really different, in a lot of ways. The complete and total opposite of Eric. Regardless of what happens, you lift me up. I'm happy our paths have crossed - we already have a great friendship. More may come, maybe not. I'm glad either way.