Sigh. Boys hate me.

And I'm leaving for San Diego until Sunday, I'm excited :)

I want someone to fix this little ipod I got that someone found? It's super broken and I need an ipod :( But, I got a good book from Brad to read on the plane. I'm excited to read it.

Ryan burned this amazing mix for me with like unheard As Tall As Lions on it, I'm definitely digging it.

It's weird how feelings get stirred up after a certain amount of time... yeah I don't know.

This entry was basically pointless. I have a major headache so I'm going to go pack then go to bed early.

Looking ahead

I have a lot coming up in the next couple of weeks/months.. but I'm so excited.

My worrying/stressing for a senior ball date has officially begun. And I hate it. Megan got asked today now I'm like ahh!!!! So dumb. And I've really been wanting someone to spend my time with lately, to go on cute dates with and cuddleee with, etc. It's probably unhealthy. But I can't seem to help it, it's really annoying, frankly.

You's

To be completely honest,


I miss you.

I wish you were closer.

I wish things had progressed with you but I haven't given up hope yet...I just have this feeling about you and I'm surprisingly not discouraged.

You lost your intrigue, although I'm still interested.

I don't really consider you a friend anymore.

I miss you and our friendship, although there were negative aspects to it... I miss your company.

I'm so glad you and I have gotten closer and bonded.

I'm so glad I met you and clicked so well with you instantly - you and I feed well off of each other and you encourage me so much.

I wonder if you miss me even though I blew you off... because I'm starting to miss you.

You confuse me.

I don't know how to talk to you anymore.

This time of year seems to really bring back a lot of memories from last year... as it starts to get nicer out, as the whole prom conversation starts to become more frequent, as I look back over my shoulder I wonder all the what if's. Kind of annoying, really. I miss male company, I'm not going to lie. It discourages me when I read my horoscope and it is like yep, your love life is gonna be at a standstill and you're going to have to deal with it. Not the end of the world, and yes this is stupid petty girl whining. But I honestly don't remember the last time I haven't liked anybody at all and didn't have some sort of boy thing going on in my life. Its probably a good thing... I just wish I had a cuddle partner. haha, I am lame!

I love the people in my life right now. I could whine and sigh a lot, but I won't. My love Tess from Y&G called me unexpectedly tonight and we caught up, I love her to death. She and I are already so close and we've only known each other like a few months. I swear she and I are so alike its creepy though. But it definitely turned my night around, I love that.

I've also really been bonding with other girls lately too, especially Megan McCuester. Its really refreshing, I don't usually get along with girls hah but its a nice change.

I'm sooo busy in the next few weeks. This week : work tomorrow and wednesday, business round table audition thursday, friday I leave for San Diego until Sunday. Next week probably a similar work schedule, then going to visit Tess... then the week after that my parents are gone during the week for like three days and then I leave for Ashland. Then I come back and leave like two days later for DC with choir for a week. Then its spring break, and april is right around the corner.

I need to think about senior ball and dates and groups and what not.. but I can't bring myself to. Its all people seem to be talking about... and it's on my freaking 18th birthday! I should be freaking out but I really don't care that much , haha. I would like to have a good date, though. I really hope it works out for the best, but I'm going to choose not to stress about it until I have to.

Music makes me really happy. I wish I could sleep in all day instead of go to lame classessssss. And I wish I had more downtime, I am always so busy then I come home and stay up late.

Blahblahblah. Tonight was our second to last Y&G meeting. I am thoroughly depressed it's almost over :( I'm going to cry like a baby next week. I am going to miss that program and those kids so incredibly much. It has really made me realize how little time I have left until we graduate too, so weird!

I'm just rambling. My bed is calling to me... sorry I'm not very inspirational tonight. I don't really know who I'm apologizing to however, I'm pretty sure no one reads this. Hahah.

Ps- I don't remember this picture but I died laughing when I saw it...

Bahahah, goodnight.

Bright side

I had this whole thing typed up but it got erased...but I'm kind of glad.

I have these moments that literally last like maybe an hour tops where I'm like fuck this, I'm sick of this I'm fed up with this...but then I realize how lame it all is and I feel infinitely better.

Right now, for example!

I'm so weird, really. I am up down all around my mind is always darting about.

I want to start posting pictures on here, they make me happy :]

Ughhh. Today as a whole was good but I hate boys. Why is it that the ones that I find and like all seem to be a) flaky b) oblivious or c) all of the above?

That is all.. I'm trying really hard not to bum out.

Lessons on criticism and self worth

So I was told tonight basically that I'm 85% likeable and that I go out to make others feel bad about themselves. Kind of a harsh thing to throw at me, and although there were some valid points that the message which so calmly appeared in my inbox conveyed, there were many which weren't.

I was genuinely upset about it for a few hours, and talking to Melissa realllly helped me. She is one person I can count on to tell it to me like it is but still be compassionate, and at the same time not choose sides. I love her to death.

I feel so refreshed right now. I took a completely 100% negative thing and turned it around for the better. I'm really going to make an effort to improve on my flaws, but at the same time its nice to know that I can handle that criticism. Forgive me for being happy for myself and "bragging" if you will, but it makes me feel good.

Its hard to shift gears from a place where you really focused on other people's needs to your own, and it evidently damaged my relationships with a few people? Though definitely not intentionally. That is the one thing I will always stand by. If I ever hurt someone by making them feel insignificant, it is never on purpose.

I'm just glad this night turned out to be good on its own. Not because some boy made it better, not because I had any sort of distraction. Because I had honest, loving friends who reached out and cared for me. And because I didn't let someone else's opinion on me crack my faith in myself in half.

I'm truly starting to recover completely, to be at ease.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "
Eleanor Roosevelt

Instigator

I wish so very much that I wasn't always the one to instigate. And I think it is just me overanalyzing things, I'm just impatient.

I hate insecure days, I am not an insecure person. It honestly just pisses me off when I let little things like this get to me and then I'm just in a worse mood.

I'm going to blame it on the moon and the weather. Tonight WILL be better, we have our improv show and I am going to try not to let the little things get me down.

I just wish, for once, I wouldn't have to chase. I guess thats dumb of me to say, because there are people who persue me .. just never the people I want to. Makes me seem pretty selfish, but what am I supposed to feel?

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to some things. It seems like even when I feel I'm doing the right thing, I get shit for it. Oh wellll. Life goes on. I'm alive, I'm healthy, my family is wonderful. The few friends I do have shine through. I think I have to stop wanting everything to happen so fast and just relax. Find my own strength.

Intrigue

A smile, a look, a heartfelt hello. A compliment. Sunshine, confident steps, sunglasses. The little things overshadow dark monsters. Minute details one doesn't expect another to pick up... but they do. Daffodils, smiling up at me. Laying in bed, sun sifting through the shutters as calm music floats throughout air laced with gardenias.

Isn't it odd when you feel an indescribable connection? When you speak with someone and everything clicks... and it seems all you want to do is take that feeling and run with it? I have trouble controlling that urge it seems. I can't get enough, but I'm so afraid that I'm psyching myself out.

I still feel a lot of past pain. I don't like double standards. In fact, I hate them. I probably have a few of my own.. but I try hard not to. Its just one more thing I need to take and make the best of. Take my pain, my mistakes I've made personally, and learn from it. Life is such an odd little thing. And as much as we dig our heels into the ground, change still occurs. Life moves - whether we are prepared or not.

So I've decided to steer away from livejournal. I have too many people I don't like reading things, and its become too much of a drama hot spot.

Fresh starts all around.

Friend groups have changed, the play is over, I'm living my own life now... I cut my hair boldly and spent a few good weekends away.

I feel so great, so liberated. Two months ago I didn't know how I'd get through it all. Isn't it great when you prove yourself wrong?

I have gone through such drastic changes in such a short amount of time. I feel like I've really come into my own, and its nice. Not to say it wasn't difficult.. and I still have my moments. But I really feel good about things right now. I can go to bed at night without someone to rely on to help me fall asleep, I can sit by myself and have lunch, I can do whatever.

Only 2 months until I'm legal, about 5 until I graduate. I am so anxious to leave. To start living the life I have been wanting to live. Which is still really up in the air at this point, but even still. To be on my way to it... ahh.

As for other things, its interesting how people change. How when you step away from certain situations...your perspective really changes. Honestly, it hurts a little. I think I was very good at fooling myself into thinking I was happy. And for the most part, I was. But I settled. Never again will I settle.

I feel like I'm too much for a lot of people to handle. I don't expect that much from people anymore because it seems like I only get let down - but at the same time, what I DO expect always seems to be too much. I'm trying to keep it low-key as of late, and just rely on myself and be okay with that. And so far its working.

I don't knowwwww, I don't know.