Monday, January 24, 2011

Promise Ring

So strange, I was rooting through an old box under the bed for a binder to use tomorrow and I came across a baggie with a bunch of random jewelry and something caught my eye - my promise ring.

I pulled it out and tried it back on my ring finger where it used to live so comfortably and just let the weight of it sit on my hand and my heart for a good few moments. Then I unwound the temporary sizer and tried it on various fingers until I found a spot where I think it will stay, not in its original place.

I may not have followed through with the promise that this ring once represented but I think it's important that I still wear it because I'm going to make a new promise to myself and I hope that this ring helps hold me accountable.

I am going to respect myself more. I am going to have sex with someone that I love or am on the way to loving and not someone random because I am bored or lonely or trying to fill some sort of stupid void from years past. I am a big girl, I prefer going to bed alone rather than with a stranger and I will not compromise myself any further. I'm making this a promise to myself.

I look at this ring and I see the love my parents and church community once put into the idea that I am good enough of a person to demand the respect I deserve from a man and not settle for anything less. I lost sight of that and even though I'm not viewing this religiously as I did before, and I am by no means trying to please my parents, it truly holds me accountable. I look down and see my parents hearts wanting the best for my heart, even if that doesn't mean abstinence.

I'm really glad I decided to go find a binder tonight.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

How can I not

wait up?

This is so stupid.

I feel so stupid.

I think the reason why I don't want to tell you how I feel is because I'm afraid of your answer.
And I think I'd lose you.
Maybe it's worth it.
Might be better than this, constantly "maybe" and "I think"s and always wondering.

If only you knew what you were doing to my head. Maybe you'd kindly bow out.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I don't know how the fuck to feel.

You have been around for over a year and when you're drunk you say these things to me that make me wonder. I am strangely addicted to you, maybe I just like that you like me.

I don't know what is with me. One day I'm so excited with the possibility that you might come see me, the next minute I'm panicking at the thought of it. You are such an incredible person and you are so determined to make something work but the world is against us and I don't have it in me to fight against the world right now.

I feel like I can't let myself relax or actually enjoy a person anymore without putting a limit on it. It's affecting so many parts of my life.

I'm terrified of not living up to my potential. Of slacking off and not working hard enough, of losing my chance at being an incredible actor. I know I won't allow myself but the idea of climbing another step in this mountain that is my two year training path seems unbearable. I have made myself a to do list and I NEED to stick to it. I have to force myself.

This is part of the reason why it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of putting in a lot of work for a relationship right now, I have no capacity in my life for that kind of thing. I need something easy that contributes nothing but positivity to my life, no negativity. Not that the person would make it negative but the ache that comes with being far away.

I want a real relationship that I don't have to long for every day and plan for. I want my boyfriend on my bed unexpectedly when I get home or for him to pick me up from school and surprise me and we can just be together and live our own lives too. And just to be happy. Unbearably happy.
I want to look someone in the eye and read their thoughts.

I need to channel these feelings into finding a process and relating it to my work.

It's all I have anymore to keep me sane.

I feel like I have a lot of pressure on my chest, I need to breathe easy for a while.