Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Things I'd Like To Say But I Won't

Man up.
Fucking face your problems and realize that as much as you can try and talk yourself into this situation being the right thing to do, it isn't. Your heart gives you away.

I'm not asking you to give her up and be with me. Not in the least. But I wish you'd really sit down and be honest with yourself. How long can you live in a lie? How long can you lie to her? How many holes in your stomach will it take for you to realize that you need to find a way to simplify your life?

I hate this. I hate that I cannot for the life of me forget you. I hate that with the tiniest speck of hope I get from you, my heart goes on standby.

I want so much to devote that to someone else. But most people seem lackluster compared to the intuitive relationship you and I have.

I yell at you, things change for maybe a week.
We talk like civil human beings, things change for maybe a week.
I yell at you then we talk like civil human beings, things change for maybe two weeks.
How many times will this cycle go around?

I can't do this on my own. You need to fucking man up and either really cut me out of your life like I'm trying to do with you or maybe take a look at the fact that you can't live without me is a big fucking sign. It's a significant thing if you can't let go of having me in your life. It's a significant thing that it didn't even cross your mind to do so, so I had to be the one to cut things off because it was too hard.

You're so damn masochistic. But this time you're not just hurting yourself.

Can't you see?

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I'm sick and tired of being told what a treasure I am and how I deserve better.
I've got a lot to offer but I have to stop giving into this bullshit.

It sucks so incredibly much that I've finally opened my heart up fully just to learn I'm just a minute too late.

My life is just so damn ironic lately, I can't even believe it.

I need to get out of this damn town and see the world. I need change.
In the meantime, I am going to make the best of this amazing education I have to fulfill me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Some kinds of affection

really aren't enough.

I can't shake this.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


mmmmm yes yes yes yes yes.
honesty is so refreshing.
I feel like I'm living a dream? lame but true.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I think I actually like someone

and I think he may actually like me.

No fatal flaws so far.

I also think that I'm finally in a place in my life where I am capable of being with another person.
It's truly terrifying but exhilarating.

Who knew it could actually happen?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Promise Ring

So strange, I was rooting through an old box under the bed for a binder to use tomorrow and I came across a baggie with a bunch of random jewelry and something caught my eye - my promise ring.

I pulled it out and tried it back on my ring finger where it used to live so comfortably and just let the weight of it sit on my hand and my heart for a good few moments. Then I unwound the temporary sizer and tried it on various fingers until I found a spot where I think it will stay, not in its original place.

I may not have followed through with the promise that this ring once represented but I think it's important that I still wear it because I'm going to make a new promise to myself and I hope that this ring helps hold me accountable.

I am going to respect myself more. I am going to have sex with someone that I love or am on the way to loving and not someone random because I am bored or lonely or trying to fill some sort of stupid void from years past. I am a big girl, I prefer going to bed alone rather than with a stranger and I will not compromise myself any further. I'm making this a promise to myself.

I look at this ring and I see the love my parents and church community once put into the idea that I am good enough of a person to demand the respect I deserve from a man and not settle for anything less. I lost sight of that and even though I'm not viewing this religiously as I did before, and I am by no means trying to please my parents, it truly holds me accountable. I look down and see my parents hearts wanting the best for my heart, even if that doesn't mean abstinence.

I'm really glad I decided to go find a binder tonight.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

How can I not

wait up?

This is so stupid.

I feel so stupid.

I think the reason why I don't want to tell you how I feel is because I'm afraid of your answer.
And I think I'd lose you.
Maybe it's worth it.
Might be better than this, constantly "maybe" and "I think"s and always wondering.

If only you knew what you were doing to my head. Maybe you'd kindly bow out.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I don't know how the fuck to feel.

You have been around for over a year and when you're drunk you say these things to me that make me wonder. I am strangely addicted to you, maybe I just like that you like me.

I don't know what is with me. One day I'm so excited with the possibility that you might come see me, the next minute I'm panicking at the thought of it. You are such an incredible person and you are so determined to make something work but the world is against us and I don't have it in me to fight against the world right now.

I feel like I can't let myself relax or actually enjoy a person anymore without putting a limit on it. It's affecting so many parts of my life.

I'm terrified of not living up to my potential. Of slacking off and not working hard enough, of losing my chance at being an incredible actor. I know I won't allow myself but the idea of climbing another step in this mountain that is my two year training path seems unbearable. I have made myself a to do list and I NEED to stick to it. I have to force myself.

This is part of the reason why it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of putting in a lot of work for a relationship right now, I have no capacity in my life for that kind of thing. I need something easy that contributes nothing but positivity to my life, no negativity. Not that the person would make it negative but the ache that comes with being far away.

I want a real relationship that I don't have to long for every day and plan for. I want my boyfriend on my bed unexpectedly when I get home or for him to pick me up from school and surprise me and we can just be together and live our own lives too. And just to be happy. Unbearably happy.
I want to look someone in the eye and read their thoughts.

I need to channel these feelings into finding a process and relating it to my work.

It's all I have anymore to keep me sane.

I feel like I have a lot of pressure on my chest, I need to breathe easy for a while.