Friday, February 19, 2010


I'm really tired of my life being in transition. I'm almost to the end of the BFA hopeful madness, yet for some reason I'm not that apprehensive about it.

I want to get out and go to New York or London or anywhere. I hate sitting still. I hate how busy I am right now.

This weekend for example:
9am class
11am class
1:30pm personal piece performance #1
3:00pm personal piece performance #2
7pm crew
10 party?

12:30pm crew
5pm work
10pm ? die? party?

12:30pm crew
5pm work

and all next week is similarly jam-packed.

My heart aches. I see pictures of James and it makes me ache and I don't know why. I miss Andy but I know it's not what I want. I miss someone being there. I miss loving someone. Being alone is hard. I'm bad at it. I used to be okay at it, but it's hard right now. My life is so hectic and instead of being content in my busy-ness and using it to distract from the fact that I'm a little lonely it seems to be overwhelming me. It's so stupid, but Neema says its okay because I'm human.

I feel so unfocused with school, my mind is all over the place. I'm frustrated because I'm feeling unmotivated so I get more frustrated.

I miss my heart fluttering, I feel like it's dead. (Very dramatic and emo, but also true).

I just ache. I feel trapped. I don't like being an adult.

This is the first time I haven't been consistently talking to a guy in a long time. I feel like I'm freaking out. I feel so incredibly lame for that too.

I don't know. I'm all over the place.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Being used as a journal?


Also, I don't like the way this feels.