I want to get out and go to New York or London or anywhere. I hate sitting still. I hate how busy I am right now.
This weekend for example:
1:30pm personal piece performance #1
3:00pm personal piece performance #2
10pm ? die? party?
and all next week is similarly jam-packed.
My heart aches. I see pictures of James and it makes me ache and I don't know why. I miss Andy but I know it's not what I want. I miss someone being there. I miss loving someone. Being alone is hard. I'm bad at it. I used to be okay at it, but it's hard right now. My life is so hectic and instead of being content in my busy-ness and using it to distract from the fact that I'm a little lonely it seems to be overwhelming me. It's so stupid, but Neema says its okay because I'm human.
I feel so unfocused with school, my mind is all over the place. I'm frustrated because I'm feeling unmotivated so I get more frustrated.
I miss my heart fluttering, I feel like it's dead. (Very dramatic and emo, but also true).
I just ache. I feel trapped. I don't like being an adult.
This is the first time I haven't been consistently talking to a guy in a long time. I feel like I'm freaking out. I feel so incredibly lame for that too.
I don't know. I'm all over the place.