we looked like giants

I'm going to cry like a baby tomorrow. Watching my best friend graduate is really going to hit me hard - next its MY graduation. I teared up practicing our singing for pops today. Its all coming at me so fast. 9 days left of high school. I graduate two weeks from today. Or yesterday, whichever way you look at it.

A big part of me wants to stay and be with Leeanna tomorrow and spend time in Gilroy after the graduation, but an even bigger part of me just wants to go back to my bubble. The mere chance that I might run into Eric drives me to the hills. I don't want to see him, yet I do. But I really really don't, haha. I haven't seen him since February. I haven't heard his voice in probably an equal amount of time... and although I do want to see him before I move, now's not the time.

I actually talked to Donnie about it last night. I really love that I can seriously talk about anything with him. I don't, obviously, because we still hardly know each other.. but I feel so comfortable with him. I actually trust him, as much as I can at this point. I'm really lucky that he's in my life right now. And he seems to want to stick around :) He's having dinner with my family sometime this week (maybe sunday), and he already has plans to come to my graduation party. Apparently he has plans to "embarass me in front of my whole family". Crazy boy.

Life is in such a strange place for me right now, but I'm trying to enjoy it the best I can.

Drama banquet was more fun than I was expecting - I really am going to miss my little theatre nerds. And I won best actress? Which was a pleasant surprise. I was up against Viv and I really didn't think that I'd win. Oh well, now I have a cheap trophy to remind me that a bunch of geeks think I'm a decent liar ;)

Time for sleep, I'm planning on submerging myself in Danny time tomorrow since it will most likely be the last time I see him until August :(

Dreams

I dreamt you missed me. You had this elaborate speech on how she doesn't compare, and I was all you wanted. Then Donnie came and took my hand and walked me out of the room.

My subconscious is interesting.

after sunset

This is what I don't like. This is what makes me uneasy. The not calling when I just got settled into being able to count on you... the waiting a lot longer than I expect to. Eeugh. Andrew says we should just be official already, but I don't know if thats a good idea. I have such an amazing time when I'm with youuu, but you're so busy and I hate waiting around for boys. I haaaaaate it. You called me at 7:45 saying you were going to grab a brownie, throw on clothes, then come get me... and call me when you're on your way. It has been almost an hour and I really hope something came up other than you just being a lame-o, haha.

I'm reading things I shouldn't be reading. Past things. I miss you being my best friend... so much. It makes me genuinely sad. Especially now that I'm leaving soon, that I'm graduating... all these things. The door is completely shut and it makes me really sad.

Life's a funny thing.

I am having weird feelings. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm paranoid, I'm retreating, I'm missing and feeling down. I am going to blame it on this weather.

I am honestly just really afraid of getting hurt again. I talked a lot about Eric today with Viv, I need to keep him far out of my mind. I'm going to be in town next weekend for the first time in a long while, and the last thing I want to do is see him.

I have only not hung out with donnie one day this week, yet now I'm missing him like crazy. I think I had too high of hopes that we'd get the day to ourselves today.. and he hasn't responded to my text. I'm just being crazy.

Eugh, weird mood. I'm off to eat crab cakes at the barlow's hahah

Dreams

Eugh. Bad dream. Bad bad dream. Get out of thereeeeeeeee.

respect my hustle

:) two straight weeks of hanging out. more even, i've lost track.

i am so relaxed, so comfortable, but it didn't come right away so i know its a sincere thing. needless to say, i've become quite fond of this boy.

its the weirdest thing - every time i even begin to have an inkling of anxiety about him not calling when he said he would, my phone rings and its him.

he's been super busy this week and there have been at least 3 or 4 days where i don't even consider thinking he'd be able to hang out, and he's found a way every single day to occupy my time. without me saying anything, too. :) i like this. i like that i really don't have to persue, i don't have to worry about him not calling, i dont have to worry at all.

in fact, there is not one thing about him that i can think of that i don't like.

i'm nervous because i had a bad first encounter with his twin sister when we were both drunk at a party, and she moved back for the summer and i really don't want to cause problems. i really just want her to be cool with me, i feel like i should apologize. whatever, i'm sure its not that big of a deal. it just seemed like this argument they had last weekend about her hating random people was centered around me.. idk.

i guess the only thing i don't like about this is how up in the air it is. and how much i'm really starting to care for him, and how its really starting to scare me. i can feel myself retreating a little bit, and its like a battle between my heart and mind all over again. my heart has chained my feet to the ground while my brain is using all its strength to pull me away.

donnie is just a good guy. more than that, he's just really chill. hes a good guy who i don't see any immediate flaws in. hes so mature, hes just.. great. i can talk to him about my past and my future and laugh and joke and be my sarcastic self and he just slings it right back at me. i like it :) a boy who can keep up with me, thats a first.

i just really hope things continue the way they are. we have hung out a lot, but not a lot of time alone yet. i mean, i slept over at his house on sunday which was so great. we just snuggled and watched amelie, and i fell asleep smiling because he was snoring like a freight train. i love that there is no pressure when i'm with him. that things are still a little bit awkward. that he respects me enough not to have sex with me yet. that he wakes up in the middle of the night to kiss me on the shoulder and rub my back... that he tries his hardest to stay up so i can fall asleep before he fills the room with his snoring (not that i cared, but he just kept trying to stay up/waking himself up). that he attacks me with kisses, he takes initiative but isn't overbearing. we have spent one-on-one time, but not like, real datey type things. which is fine since we're not technically dating? but idk, i'd like to see him before 9pm on a weeknight and maybe get to actually spend the after noon with him on a weekend.

which reminds me, i'm going to justin fitch's little afterparty thing on friday night with donnie, and i'm hoping we'll spend the night, then get to spend all saturday together. we have spent the night with each other like three times now and each time one or both of us has had to get up and do something. i was talking to him about it tonight and hes like well its officially summer for me now and its coming up soon for you so we'll have plenty of time to make up for that. :)

gushgushgushgush.

i seriously cannot remember the last time i was this content. despite everything that is going on around me that SHOULD stress me out... i'm so content. little things irk me herea nd there, but i'm so happy. and i love it :D

i still sleep too little but i think my body has adjusted by now. and i am too happy to complain... i've been taking a lot of naps lately :)

Absinthe party at the fly honey warehouse

I tried absinthe last night, its kinda gross? But I liked it. I love watching it get made. I was belligerent last night, to say the least, hahah.

Donnie and I drunk dialed a few people, one of which was Danny. Donnie took the phone from me and was like, "I just want you to know, I genuinely care about this girl. I like her -- more than a lot." :) And he repeated himself a lot to me throughout the night. He doesn't remember a lot of it, but I know he meant it. People kept asking us if we were dating, which was extremely awkward by the way, but Donnie's response was always "not yet". I'm fine either way, but that made me smile. That, and this...

blackbird, fly

My chest tightened, but my heart did not plummet through the floorboards. I click on Blackbird and let my eyes fixate on your future. I smile. Mine's waiting for me somewhere, and I hope you react the same way.

Donnie is really amazing. We've hung out every day since last Thursday? Or even beyond that, and I can't get enough. He's hilarious, so down to earth, and the most chill human being on the entire planet. I am so relaxed around him, but still have the right amount of nerves. It's not driven by pure lust, and we talk for hours. I'm happy but I don't feel like my hopes are higher than they need to be. He respects me, and we play hours of super smash bros brawl with our buddies. He's the first person I feel like I've had real feelings for since Eric. I don't feel like people believe me because I've been so boy crazy as of late, but you just wait and see. :)

I really sleep the bare minimum lately. I go out late and come home just before the sun comes up, regardless of whether or not I have to be at school in the morning. I feel like I'm jump starting summer, and maybe I need to enjoy my time with my class a little more.

Two more days left in this week, no school monday, then a short week, then no school the following monday, then its the week of finals. It's really starting to freak me out. The next 6 months are going to kick so much ass :D

Party and bullshit

I party too hard and sleep too little. Friday was amazing, I love Leeanna to death. I got some quality time in with someone great too :] He is surprisingly amazing. But I'm chillin, my hopes are eye level and not up in the air - right where they need to be. 33 days until graduation!

"You girls tryin to have a slumba party?!"

:) I'm happy. Sincerely happy. I like this. Lately I've felt like I've constantly been bouncing around but I'm standing still again.

And I could definitely get used to standing next to you.

But again, we'll see. Goin' with the flow. LEEANNA IS COMING TO VISIT ME TOMORROW and I am supremely stoked :D

Life is GOOD.

i've got the world on a string

"dude...it's weird cuz when we are all hanging out it's chill but when i'm alone with her i'm SO attracted to her"


:D

I like this chill and take it day-by-day philosophy.. it has worked out for me a lot better than anything else at this point. It's so weird. I had an amazing time doing absolutely nothing last night, just laughing and talking.... and watching porn-ish documentaries and then gullah gullah island? ahahah but I love good conversation. This is the first person I've actually really felt a connection with since Eric. It's nice. I'm not psyching myself up too much for it, but I am allowed to be happy, I think :) I've been spending too much time out though... the past few weeks I haven't gotten home until 1-2am on school nights. My dad apparently doesn't think I'm going to graduate and might be into heavy drugs because I don't tell him where I am, lol I did get pretty trashed Sunday but idk. I don't think I'm anything to worry about.

It just dawned on me today how soon school is ending. I know I am always counting down the days, but it really hit me today. Less than 5 weeks left of high school. Holy shit, wow. I am really stoked for college though. I repeat myself too often... oh well.

I think I'm dying my hair auburn tonight! I'm excited but sort of nervous. It's about time for another change, though (:

Speak to me gently

It's an interesting thing, watching someone replace you. Replacing them yourself. Putting a makeshift paste over that hole in your heart until someone comes along who will punch it out and fill it with something substantial. Pushing on, moving forward. I wouldn't call myself heartbroken or even hurt. But nostalgia surrounds me. I smile when I think of you, of how you are doing precisely what you want to. And I hope you do the same, because I finally feel unleashed. Let free. It still doesn't change the fact that I miss you, that it makes me genuinely sad that I've basically lost you. Maybe this is me being melodramatic, but I think I'm just merely being realistic.

I know nothing of how you feel other than you are happy where you're at. I have come to terms with this whole situation, but I'm not sure if I would consider it something that is a breeze for me to deal with. When I told you about Brett, you told me about her. You told me part of the reason you took me off of your top friends was because it was too difficult to see me with another guy. Less than a month later, you two are together. I understand, I'm not blaming or pointing fingers, I just am saying that it all hit me pretty fast. Even though, yes, I've been moving on... it hasn't been truly moving on. I'm not going to fall in love with anyone. And it seems that you are. Not to say that I'm not going to in the future, its just an interesting place to be in. I'm not at a place in my life where I can have something serious with someone new. My experience with Brett made me miss you and your friendship a lot, and as soon as its over - you're unreachable to me. I hope if you ever read this, which I sort of hope you don't, you understand that this isn't me being angry and resentful. It's the next stage in getting over you. I feel like I'm grieving a little. And probably dealing with it in all the wrong ways.

There is one person who gives me hope. He listens, understands, laughs, and I always smile when I'm with him. I don't get that initial high, that intense heart beat - but I do get a little shy. Liquid courage helps out...a lot haha. It's not even that I'm falling, that I even really like him much. Because I have every single guard and wall up possible, I'm moving - no one gets close. But he reminds me of you. He gets me without me having to say much at all. And I can't wait to find that in someone again, I can't wait to fall in love again. With someone who I won't have to settle for.

I could say a lot more but I can't stop sneezing. Instead, I'll post pictures that basically explain my last week or so.

And we're still out at 10 in the evening

These past few days have been good, but odd.


I saw Minus the Bear on Tuesday, they blew my mind. We went and hung out at Coit tower after the show and it was nice to just be with my friends. I'm really grateful for them lately.


I think its reality is starting to swirl around me, my synapses are just beginning to connect as I realize the finality of the next few months. Its already freaking May. Two months until I am no longer in high school... 4 months until I move. I signed up for my orientations today for Fullerton, and in doing so, made my enrollment there official. I wonder how many people I'll never see again. I am realizing how I have no real concept of the word "never". I feel like I can't comprehend it.


I wrote this yesterday, I need to tweak it some, but I like it. It makes me feel like I lifted a weight off of my shoulders... funny how writing can relieve what you want to say in a subliminal way.



As the door begins to close, I watch from afar, key clenched in my hand. As the door slides shut, I pause - almost in mourning. The illuminations from the opposite end find their way to my corneas through the cracks surrounding the wooden barrier. It dawns on me that this is all I'll ever have, all I'll ever hold on to - that sole stream of light. Some may say that this hallway seems lonely, and at times it is. But there's something about a lone, confident stride that greatly surpasses any stumble while hanging on your shoulders. I pause in my walk to take one last look - one last farewell. A bright tinkle of metal echoes through the hall as I let the key pass through my fingers. I nod my head, and push on.