Friday, June 27, 2008

"And do I dare ask, where are all the gentlemen? You know, the kind of men who always make sure they walk nearest to the street. The kind of men who automatically link arms with a lady to show the jokers, the ones dwelling in the shadows, that she is not to be harassed. The kind of men who enjoy their mother's company, as well as YOUR mother's company. The kind of men who know they are supposed to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the doorway.

Are these values no longer taught when parents raise their baby boys? Has every young man been abducted by manner-stealing aliens who completely sucked these manners right out of them? Do they just not care?

So few men know how to act like a gentlemen, and so few women actually expect it. I do. I expect it from my lovers, and I most definitely expect it from my friends. Start opening doors for the elderly, walk your girl to the door after a date (or at the very least wait until she gets inside safely before you drive away), pick a flower and hand it to a person that looks sad. How is this not common sense?

I want to know people who write notes saying "I hope you are having a lovely day" and leave them on random cars. I want to know people who throw drawing parties instead of keggers. I want to know people who care about everything, and love with all they have. I want true words, sparkling eyes, and hearts made of gold. It isn't hard work to be a gentleman. It isn't hard work to be a friend. So, why are there so few of you? What's your excuse? You're all a bunch of dirt-covered rocks. I want gems. And I won't settle for anything less."

I've been rummaging through my xanga and stumbled upon this. I feel very refreshed, re-encouraging myself through quotes I posted in the past. I can't wait to get out of here and meet all new people and be living on my own :]

There are some things I don't understand however - how I'm apparently supposed to be 100% emotionally unattached after 3 years and that reads to everyone as not being over it, how I'm not supposed to BE attached to someone I've spent nearly every day with the last few months.

As for the first one, I am as over it as I can be at this point. I may not be 100% done, but I think I'd say I'm pretty good. I'm over it as much as I can be. We've only seen each other once since we've been officially done, and I have no desire to mix up old feelings. I settled too much in the relationship, its not at all what I want again. I want to be in love again, sure. And I think that's what I miss more than anything - I don't really miss Eric. I don't miss the pain and the constant ache. It bothers me when people try to assume they know anything about our relationship and how I felt about it all. I only reveal a little bit to this little livejournal. I wanted to see him and I still do to gain some more closure, but I realize that it doesn't really need to happen until before I leave. And I don't want to see him with any malicious intentions of ruining his relationship. I guess I just realized it wasn't worth it anymore - all it will take is one meeting and I don't need to think about it until before I move. I just want to lay it all to rest. To let go of it all and just be friends. It was three years of my life, and I can't pretend like it didn't mean a thing to me. And I don't want to look back anymore and regret or resent. But that doesn't mean I'm "so not over it" and that I'm not completely satisfied without him. Because believe me - I am. Things catch my heart strings, things still affect me - which they should. It was 3 years, only 8 months apart so far. I'd be a fool to say that he meant nothing to me. But I wish people would stop misinterpreting that.

As for the second, it bums me out. The first guy I feel something substantial for since Eric and its of course, the wrong time and place. I can't wait for Fullerton where I might meet someone who makes me feel just as good and when it IS the right time and place. I'm so over waiting for boys and settling. I've just been doing what I feel is right and following my heart as best I can - and I plan on continuing until someone really worthwhile wants to join me or until my heart leads me to him.

Monday, June 23, 2008


Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

I thought watching a chick flick would make me feel better and fall asleep happy. I was wrong. Today was okay, sorting things out with Donnie was okay. Except that I still fucking talk about you too much. It frustrates me so much, the entire situation. I never let it touch me, but its strangling me now that I've let my guard down... now that people are telling me how different you are. How different it all is. I knew, I felt the same, but it's much easier to forget about it when you're doing it on your own. Now I have people saying wtf, wow Lora you're strong etc. 

Yeah, I guess I am strong. I finally, after 3 years of trying and following my heart - gave up. I haven't sat back and let this sink in in a while. Its almost six fucking am and I'm sitting up crying about this. Fuck. I don't want to be crying over you, I don't want to even think about you. It frustrates me so much. That I loved you so much, and gave up so much - did SO MUCH, and it still didn't matter. I feel like I'm an idiot, lingering on the things I did when we first broke up. But its been a while, and honestly, recent events have stirred up past hurt and feelings.

I want to say that I'm 100% over you, and I think I even did when I was screaming at you, but I'm not. I lie when I say I am. But I have to be. You've moved on to another serious girlfriend and I've moved on too. But I am no where near a serious relationship, how can I be? How can you jump into something so serious just 7 months after you break up with someone you were with for 3 years? nearly 1,095 days of your life you spent in some sort of relationship with me. But apparently you two act like you're engaged, like you're invincible. Which makes me think back to nothing's going to stop us. To us both bawling like little kids on your bed before I moved, to everything and anything I experienced and went through with you that we said those five words. But a lot stopped us. A lot stopped you. How can you say that this time is going to be easier or better, even? How is this going to last? The whole thing honestly, just seems stupid. I feel like you're fooling yourself. You said yourself you don't feel anything near what you felt for me when I moved. So what the hell are you doing? I'm not even saying this with hopes that you're going to break up with her and come to me - because that's not at all what I want. I just see you setting yourself up for failure and I feel like she's your distraction.  She fills the hole I left. Maybe that's pushing it, maybe that's not my place to say. But I think that I know you pretty well - and I know that you didn't really deal with our breakup. That you went on tour, then apparently immediately started hanging out with Lina ? The way Becca phrased it made me uncomfortable. I know that you grieved, that it was rough on you. But I haven't filled that hole you left, Eric. It's healing over, and I've attempted to shove some things in it here and there to try and plug it - but none of them have filled it completely. The corks fly out, the boys fall through, the drunken nights sober up and in the end its me sitting in my bed at 6am writing a stupid blog about you - listening to stupid music that makes me cry. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I look back on our relationship and it feels like it wasn't even my life or me living it - that I don't even know who you are anymore. I hate that Becca tells me things that make me reluctant to even talk to you about any of this. I hate that you're planning your future with someone you've only been with for 2 months when we were supposed to be planning ours. I hate that you take her to the same places. I hate that you two are so determined to make it work. That's our game. That's who we are. I hate myself more for not being able to flush you out of my life and be okay with it all. But at the same time, not at all. I'm a freaking human being and I have every right to feel all of this. 

I just don't know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel. How would you feel? I really tried to push all my past feelings aside and just be there to support you but ever since we fought I've had the strangest desire to push you entirely out of my life and at the same time beg you to be back in it. I think that I saw myself feeling for you and getting hurt and realizing that maybe I'm not as past it as I thought I was - and my first reaction was to push you far, far away. And honestly? I'm still considering it. You haven't called back. You don't care as much as I thought you did.. I feel like you're satisfied with our 15 minute review, where I reluctantly forgave you. But it still hurts, a whole freaking lot. There's still so much to be explained and accounted for. And you don't give a damn. Its not anywhere near a priority.

But after 3 years of being the best #2 I could be, why would I be surprised when I was still not #1?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

session 8

"But I'm the kinda person who believes everything happens for a reason. I'm kinda glad that I was so miserable counting down the days till I was 18, ya know, so I could leave. Cause the way it worked for me, it was this one day where I was in the right place at the right time.
Now I'm not the type of person to just go get what I want. I usually wait for it to casually come to me. Something hit me that day like a ton of bricks. I know it sounds cheesy, but I fell in love. And that's what kept me there for the next few years. I would've run away if it wasn't for her.

Well it was just the same as any day I was looking to run far from the school
And I was at the door ready to go when I heard some books hit the floor
So then I stopped, jaw dropped, I said, this must be love
Cause when I pulled myself together you were already gone
I screamed wait a minute, listen to the voice in my head
It said, kid you better run cause she's getting away with it

So I chased after her, running down the hallways. Running up to her and grabbed her arm. Actually just stood there frozen, didn't know what to say to her. I think she kinda felt the same thing so it worked out. I felt like I had a reason to finally be happy, you know. She would be the first person in my life who was completely honest with me. I had a reason to trust. When I was with her it just felt like my problems with my parents didn't seem to big anymore. Oh well, I just didn't care about them."

I miss that.

Friday, June 20, 2008


“ i believe that everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go. things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— marilyn monroe

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Friday, June 13, 2008

Are you serious?

Are you freaking kidding me? I am a lurker, I shouldn't lurk, whatever you do it too. But for her to say that your relationship will be different because it won't be one sided? Are you kidding me! I know that when we broke up the first time it was rough and I was a bitch. And I hurt you. But if there was any reason to say that we broke up - the last one I would consider saying was that it was one-sided. Fuck you, if thats the case. One sided? Oh, I guess I didn't care when I sacrificed my social life and first half of my senior year to come hang out with you all the time. I guess going to all your shows and chosing you over parties, friends, and high school things doesn't mean a thing. Especially when so many times I would just hang around in the background. I don't regret those things. I just wish there was some way I could have balanced it all better. But I did all those things because I LOVED you, Eric. You know that I loved you. But now - if you're going to tell her that your last relationship was one sided? That's really fucked up. It actually really hurts. I didn't think you could still hurt me, but I guess I was wrong.

I really am happy for you and her, I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happier than me. But apparently all that I did and all the love I had for you was completely insignificant, because it was one sided, wasn't it? I was really fine with everything, I wanted to be there for you to talk to about this whole situation, I wanted to finally be your friend again. I was and still am rooting for your relationship with her. Our relationship wasn't always easy, I wasn't always the best girlfriend, but you weren't always the best boyfriend. Whenever I talk about our relationship to Donnie, yeah, I tell him what you did to hurt me or whatever. But I also make a point to say what I did. And how our relationship ended on mutual terms because it was going no where. I guess you could say it was one sided because you were willing to try and make it work when I moved to Fullerton.. but you have to understand, I did too. I really did. But I knew that I had spent the last 3 years of my life living for you, and I finally had to live for myself.

I just really can't believe you. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I'm assuming. But it said right there -

"And know that this time it will be different for you.
This time all feelings will be mutual and not one way.
This time you won't, I won't, be the only ones putting in effort."

Ahaha wow. What a great way to start my day. I'm going to senior breakfast and graduation practice now, and this is NOT going to ruin my day. But if that's how you feel and that's how you're going to talk about me, I lost a lot of respect for you, because it seems like you don't respect me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The past 4 years

I've been swimming in an ocean of nostalgia. As I crawl out onto the beach, the waves lick at my toes and I begin to let my eyes focus on the island around me. This is it - this is it. That's all I can think to myself lately. Packing for Ms. Woods has been almost theraputic for me, its my way of saying goodbye to the theatre and a lot of ways, my high school career.

The past four years have been the hardest, craziest, and best years of my life. And I know that I'm only headed toward more of the same. I can't believe I've been living in San Ramon for over two years now. That my life in Gilroy seems more distant than ever. I fell in love, fell out of it, experienced true heartbreak, watched my mom endure four (?) brain surgeries and make it through them all. I experienced life without someone around all the time to pick up after me, cook my meals, and listen about my day. Became my father's support system. I made good friends, lost some, and discovered who really cared. I fell in love again, but this time with performing - something just clicked and the rest of my life fell into place. I went to New York City, Hume Lake, LA, Ashland, Sacramento, Camp Roberts, Rochester, D.C., and Disneyland.

I learned - I grew. I came to realize how precious life is and never to take a moment for granted. To stop to pluck a daffodil, to making someone's day just by saying hi, to cuddles, to group hugs, to 100% quiz scores. To that rush you get from being in the spotlight, center stage in front of an audience - to the times where you can't stop laughing over the stupidest little thing. To hating teachers but appreciating them anyway, to Cal High bosco sticks, to debates with your peers about things that really matter.

I stopped caring what people think and got to know exactly who I am. I made many mistakes - but learned from each flaw and used it to help me with the future. I sang, I danced, I drank, I smoked, I laughed, I cried, I was unreasonable, I was understanding, I forgave, I forgot, I discovered, I reflected. I lived. I didn't sit on the sidelines, I jumped right into the game. And I don't ever plan on sitting still again.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Strawberry swing

They were sitting
They were sitting in the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious
They were sitting
They were talking in the strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing
Cold, cold water
Bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water
What ya say?
It's such It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait 'til the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing
People leaving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away
It's such
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time
I adore this song.

I feel so weird, this week is weird. Signing yearbooks is weird. Especially when I'm signing someone's that I know I'll most likely never see again. Idk, today was good but I had a lot of alone time to get paranoid and freak out. I'm just realizing that all the people I'm surrounding myself with I'm going to have to leave in under 3 months, minus a few. It's thoroughly depressing.
I really like Donnie. And I'm such a stupid girl about stupid things. I feel like I'm getting to that point where I'm really putting myself out there... he knows I like him and he's secured a place in my life for the time being, but I feel like whenever I get to this point where I'm comfortable with a guy, I get nervous sometimes. Because more things are assumed and things become less formal and intense and I just feel vulnerable. It's really a stupid thing but idk. I just feel like a lot of guys have taken advantage of how laid-back I am and end up disappointing me. I was thinking about it on the way home from Andrew's - my soulmate, the man I will marry, won't ever disappoint me. I mean, I'm sure he will..but he'll make up for it. It just makes me nervous because so many guys have done it before, you know? I wish I could just let all that shit go.

You know what? I will. I will make an effort to just let it go. It's not worth wasting my time. I don't want to be that stupid girl with issues because of the way a guy treated me in the past. But then again, its good to be protective of your heart.

I guess its stupid on another level because although I really like Donnie, I'm not sure I'm anywhere near loving him. Not that I was expecting to, I'm just pointing that out. So what am I worrying about? I'm just having fun. I need to let go.
Edit :
Rachel Whiteside just called me for boy advice. She knew I would be one person who understood her and listen and give honest advice without really pushing for details with what was going on. It was really refreshing. She basically told me how she wonders if she just chooses the same types of guys or if it's just her being silly? Idk, we basically talked about everything I wrote and I gave her advice that I need to listen to. Say what you need to say, relax otherwise. I feel so good right nowww. Bed is calling <3

Beginning of the end

Today is the first day of my last week of high school... so so weird.

Donnie and I are getting more and more comfortable with one another, I really enjoy his company. I'm afraid of his parents, though. They know I've been over really late and asked him not to have us hang out upstairs with the door closed and we did again and his mom knew and got really upset with him... Yikes. But he assures me that they aren't upset with me, only him. But I still don't think that's a very good first impression, hahah.

I would write more but I really shouldn't be late. Until later.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


This is lame and very superficial of me...but I gained ten pounds within the last 6 months. I'm not okay with that. I'm going to start working out every day this summer... I don't want to get the freshman fifteen. Weirddddddnesss. I don't usually care about stuff like this, but 10 pounds?! Eeesh.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Stop this train

So I didn't cry like a baby. I got pretty choked up, but I was no where near bawling. I'm sure I'll cry a lot at our graduation. It was really weird, seeing Danny walk. I love him so much.

I spent the night at Leeanna's, that was fun. Its nice that she lives by herself, kind of gave me a taste of how it will be next year. I got drunk with random ass people from Gilroy, it was hilarious to me. I wish she could move down to fullerton with me, she's my other halff.

9 school days left for me. I am sad I guess, but more excited than anything. I'm so ready for the next stage in my life.

I saw Majesta today, it was really nice catching up and shopping. We are exactly the same as we have always been, and it comforts me that we can go so long without hanging out/talking and our friendship doesn't change.

We went to Starbucks in the outlets, where Eric works. I knew there would be a chance I would run into him but I just hoped he wouldn't be working... I was stopped at the light off of Leavesly looking in the back parking lot and didn't immediately see his car and I was kind of relieved. Then I went through the intersection and saw it behind a truck. My heart sped up, I got so nervous so fast. I was like shaking. I don't even know why. But it wasn't that bad. He incidentally went on break the same time we got our drinks so I talked to him sorta for a bit. Its hard, I want to sit and talk to him forever but I kind of ignored him and talked to Majesta. Kept my wall up. He pushed me out, now my walls are all around me. I really miss him, though. He looked at me in a way that made my heart flip, even Majesta said something to me about it. He can't look at me that way. Maybe he didn't mean to, but it was that look. That's burned into my mind, I don't want that look.

I think it was good for me though. I really didn't want to see him, but I think that it helped me progress in the process of getting over him completely. It gave me some closure. That I can see him and be okay.

I miss Gilroy, it was nice being back. I think I'm going to be down at Leeanna's more often this summer, for the garlic festival at least. Donnie said he wanted to come, ahahah.

Oh mannn. I haven't seen Donnie in two days! Such a stretch ;D I get to see him tonight though, and we're going to play brawl for hoursss! Yeeeeees. :)