2008

This has been a long and eventful year - I graduated, my sister got married, I started college. I lost a lot of friends but gained more. I'm going to write and reflect - forgive the length, I'm doing this for my own good more than anyone elses.

January, started the year out single and drunk. Didn't have a new years kiss from a boy, instead a threesome kiss with some girls from Y&G. That's the way it should have been. Fell asleep under the Ryerson's Christmas tree and woke up thoroughly confused as to how I got there. Besides new years, I was still battling a broken heart this month and my Pop-Pop's health continued to downhill. He died early January, and his funeral ironically fell on my would-be 3 year anniversary with Eric. I thought it would be the worst day of my life, but it was actually a good one. Lots of family time, and much better than if I had been left with my thoughts alone on that day. I went to BOB 2 with Y&G and had an awesome time being introduced to the media program. I broke code kissing Austin behind a barrack, how eventful haha

February, I went to the Lenea One Act Play Festival at Sacramento State and our play won bronze. I got Best Actress in our category. It was a huge surprise and was a big deciding factor in my major. The play opened at Cal High and went well. I went to Sacramento for Y&G and had the time of my life. Media was amazing, I spent so much time with Tess laying around in hotel rooms and just loving the program so much. I spent Valentine's Day with her on a sushi date in downtown Sac, and couldn't have asked for a better day. Austin ignored me and I told him off :) I had so much fun with my delegation (handicap doorbell especially) and wouldn't trade those 5 days for anything.

March, I started to heal but was hurt again by a close friend with a crazy almost-girlfriend. I visited Tess in the city and that remedied it all. I changed my passwords on all my accounts, closing the door. I went to Ashland with Drama Club and saw three amazing productions - Fences, Clay Cart, and Midsummer Night's Dream. I had an amazing time bonding with Candace and Viv, not to mention Neema and Andres. And Woodsie! It snowed for a brief amount of time and I fell more in love with theatre. I had met Brett at this point, and was convinced he was going to be my next boyfriend. We went on a few dates, then I left for Washington DC with Chamber. I had an amaaaazing time with Tara and Simone, roaming around the Smithsonians and seeing all the sights. Singing every place we went and bonding. We saw the beginnings of cherry blossoms and continually appreciated each other's company. Tara and I bonded with two girls we never expected to. I asked Brett to ball when I got back (in a completely adorable way I might add). I became closer with Cameron and Megan, and did a photoshoot in the city.

April, I spent a lot of time with Brett and slowly began to realize he was just a rebound. I had some good times with him, though - Lindy at Sproul and Donnie's party (ironic?). I went and visited Fullerton with my parents, it was really nice to see where I would be living and going to school. Spending time with Keith and Kim was really good, too. My birthday was fun, I got pampered for senior ball and had a great time dancing with all of my friends. Cameron got drunk with us for the first time that night, and I had a great time just hanging out with close friends. Senior ditch day was awesome, we all went to Berkeley and shopped. San Ramon Wars began and I got Nate! My one and only victim. I felt like a champ. I ended the month finding out about Eric's new girlfriend, and I was actually somewhat okay with it.

May, I started my crush on Donnie. We went to Minus the Bear together and talked the whole way there and back. We all went to Coit Tower after and it was a really really good night. I spent the majority of my nights with Donnie, Andrew, Kate, and Phil. Donnie and I kissed for the first time, and thus began the weird relationship we would develop. I genuinely liked him, and it was a refreshing change. Leeanna came to visit and we got drunk at Andrew's, polaroids galore. I ended the night sleeping in Bailey's bed with Donnie, completely content. I spent the majority of May up late hanging out with Donnie in one way or another. We adventured to Pop Scene one Thursday and I just remember feeling so elated, wearing his shirt and leaning against his shoulder while we sat on a wall looking over the ocean. I went to my first party at the boy's in Dublin and met Jelena, not knowing the profound effect these people would have on me for the next year of my life. I performed in my last play at Cal High and our play won the festival, (even though we probably did the least amount of work). I won an award of some kind. I just had a blast being a badass hunter woman haha. I ended my month going to Gilroy and running into Eric for the first time. That was the only time I've seen him since we've been officially over.

June, I graduated. Graduation was a very bittersweet day - I got into a HUGE argument with Eric and finding out about Matt's accident, but couldn't have been happier to walk across that stage and leave him far behind. I sang one last time with Chamber at the beginning of the ceremony, and managed to not trip walking across the turf. It was a very surreal feeling, but also a really amazing one. I had a great Grad party and got thrown into the pool by my siblings. I ended the night drinking champagne with my family. Things started to get a little weird with Donnie, and I started spending some time with Joe Pearce. I partied a ton and spent a lot of time with Leeanna in Gilroy at her janky little apartment and going to Giant's games.

July, was started out on the 4th being the drunkest I think I've ever been (12 shots, 2 or so beers). I had a really good time, despite my 2 hour meltdown and first real argument with Donnie. I met Urosh, who truly put a lot in perspective for me. Alex took care of me and our close friendship really blossomed. But dancing and galavanting around Lauren's freaking mansion was like a dream. I went on a date with Urosh to see Wall-E and it was probably the best one I've ever been on. I finally got my housing packet for University Village and therefore had an official move-out date. I saw Coldplay with Jelena and Justin and practically died with ecstasy. I ended the month with Taryn's golden birthday party, and drank a ton of champagne, then headed down to San Diego for my sister's wedding!

August, was a month of big change. My sister got married August 1, and in the week I was in San Diego I went jet skiing and was drunk almost every night. Every single day there was one to remember - staying with Danny was so fun. My sister's wedding was beautiful and I wept like a little girl. I circled danced to "We Are Family" with a bunch of my extended family and my brother-in-law's family, it was a lot of fun. Had a game night with the girls, stayed up til 5 drinking with Donnie and his friends/watching the olympics and then woke up at 8 to go to my dad's company picnic the next day. Fought with Eric about goodbyes, got a half-assed phone call and then spent my last few days with Donnie. He took me to the park and finally introduced me to all his really close friends, and took me out to 3 Bros. Treated me like I was his girlfriend. The night before I moved, he gave me a book and a Fleet Foxes CD, and we sat in my car in my driveway for 3 hours trying to get up the courage to leave. I cried, and then he cried. I will treasure those moments forever. Saying goodbye to other people, packing up my whole room miraculously, and getting into my car to go off to college were moments in my life that still feel surreal. I arrived in So Cal with no problems, and had a good time driving with my mom. I moved in to University Village and had my first crazy night at college, got ridiculously trashed with my favorite people. School started and I was thrown right into performances, and I began falling in love with my program.

September, I bought a mint green beach cruiser, auditioned for my first college production and got two call backs, and drunkenly fell into Mike. He came over and made me a bomb ass dinner, and then drifted in and out of my life from then on. I went and saw Nathan for the first time and it was just what I needed. He made me an amazing pasta dinner and then homemade chai after, then fixed my flat tire. I went to Santa Barbara with Katharine and saw Jason Mraz, got drunk and laughed my ass off at Caitlins, ending my night asleep on a dog bed. I did a photo shoot then got sushi with Mj. I went on a real date with Mike, and almost witnessed a fight at Disneyland. Met Robbie, started that saga. Learned to love his sweaty hands and drunken nights with Stacey. Threw up my entire life, but Robbie took care of me (sobbed for Katharine on the toilet and was convinced I was dying.) Recovered the whole next day in the infirmary which our room became. Megan and I threw an epic cocktail party, and I made rice croquettes for everyone! September went out with our first rain at Fullerton, though it didn't last long - it thundered.

October,I came home for the first time for Lovefest! I met Lora for the first time and bonded on the way up with her and Nathan. Came home to rice croquettes and hugs from momma. Spent the night with Ali V and Donnie. The next day I made it to SF finally after nearly being assaulted on bart and taking the wrong bus, and spent 3 hours at Kenny's alone. We made our way over to lovefest and I had a great time hanging out with my old Y&G buddies. I did a whip-it for the first time and tripped balls. Back to Fullerton, I spent lots of time with Katharine Robby and Scott, went to a highlighter party and got acid in my eye, and started going to the gym regularly. Went to the Smell and wandered around downtown LA with Robbie at night, met Ricky the Pirate and realized my love for sky vodka. Gave my number to a complete gorgeous stranger on campus. Went to the intern retreat, bonded with my new family and got psyched up for Y&G! Girls night in began, went to Chapman for the first time after doing a photoshoot for Reuben. Ended October in Santa Barbara for Halloween with Jelena and Danny and Donnie. Dramatic but a ton of fun, I was Wendy from Peter Pan !

November, I came home from SB and had a family sleepover with Robby Scott and Katharine. We fell asleep watching Singing in the Rain. We went to Jack in the Box at 2am and just had fun laughing. Scott introduced me to Winco, I saw Pilots Wife in Long Beach with Dylan and Katharine, learned how to tie a bow tie. I VOTED for Obama and No on Prop 8. At least one of those came out on top. Nursed Katharine back to life from Strep, gave my campus testimony for cal high chamber, and went off to Bob 1! Had an amazing time interning and encouraging freshman/sophomores to Go Green! and bonding with my friends. Partied in SLO the night before. Spent the night at Nathan's new place, had an amazing day being lazy. This month is when the crazy fires happened, and I split to my brother's for a good nights rest and some pomegranate smirnoff ice. Finally came back to breathe a little cleaner air. Went to a taping of the soup, saw spring awakening and another professional production all in one week! Had a great time on the way back home for Thanksgiving, and spent the week with friends and family. Had a champagne night with the girls, and went to chippy friday and dollar scoop like back in high school. Finally accomplished my goal with Austin, only to have karma kick him in the ass. Made a black friday best buy run, and a decision to be celibate. Took me 9 and 1/2 hours to get back to Fullerton, but I bonded with Viv and Megan in the car.

December, the fog took over Fullerton. Katharine and I died watching American Ideal, and the text-to-speech saga began. I struggled with acting and focusing on school in general, but got it together and my acting professor told me that "I'd get it". Drunken charades, Jen chugging my vodka thinking it was water, puppy stores, and Red Robin with my girlies. Went to Disney with every single person I value from Fullerton and had the time of my life. Stayed up all night doing a costumes project, auditioned and went to see Bloc Party with Will in LA! Lora came and I showed her a good time with my frat boys, complete with beer pong and a ghetto party where we had to pretend to be lesbian to protect ourselves. I threw up my life once more but Lora was quick to pull my hair back. Went to Carlsbad with Tyler and Robby and met up with Rachel and Katharine. Had a lot of fun with my favorites, and raided Tyler's mom's thrift store. Bonding all kinds. Went to Cinespace to watch RB be famous, got drunk, met people from Say Anything and confessed feelings in the rain. Disneyland again, cookie air freshener, snow on main street. Nathan came to visit and took me out for sushi, we went back to Kayln's for cake and apples to apples. Came home for Christmas! Drove the whole way by myself but made it. Saw Kenny. Got sick, worked a tonnnn, went bowling. Made Christmas cookies with my momma and went to the candle lit christmas eve service with her. Had my first Christmas without my siblings around. Joined the Twilight saga and took a bath reading it for 4 days straight. Went to Gilroy to see Danny and Leeanna - went to the comedy club in SJ and saw Michael McDonald. Good best friend bonding.

I ended 2008 sleeping in til 2, going out to eat with my girlfriends for Sarah's birthday, and getting a ride up to Brad's new house. I met my goal of finishing an entire bottle of champagne by myself. Almost made it to downtown for the fireworks, but caught a cab back to the house for noisemakers and midnight kisses instead. Brad kissed me, but I ended my night with Andy... the way I wanted it to be. I had a really good time laughing and rolling around, blasting music and playing with Aaron's camera. Woke up to the new year, walked to the beach, hung out, came home and saw Marley and Me with my parents.



This has been an insaaaane year. But I've loved every single moment of it. I know that I've completely changed throughout this year through all the things I've gone through, and I am still changing, but I love where I'm at right now in life. 2008 was a great year, and I have confidence that 2009 will be even better.

Merry Christmas, Darling

I've been wanting to write a blog about Christmas for a couple days now but I've been swamped with work - I'm literally working every day but New Years Eve/Day this week. But its okay, I love my store up here and I definitely need the money.

Christmas this year was really different, really humbling. My brother and sister were both not there for the actual holiday, and they won't be up until the second weekend in January. My brother went to Connecticut with his new fiance, having an engagement party with all of her family over there and such. My sister spent her first Christmas married with her new husband at home in San Diego. So that left little ol' Lora and the rents (not to mention Moose, he definitely made his presence known) alone for the holidays. I think it was honestly the first Christmas I can remember being without both of my siblings, usually its one or the other. Now not only that, but our family decide that this year we were going to do a secret-santa type gift exchange to save money since everyone was a little short (thanks economy). Meaning, I opened my stocking on Christmas and got a few little things, but nothing big until January. And even then , the gift is meant to be more sentimental than driven from something I actually want. So, it was a little weird, needless to say. Not only did I get practically nothing, but I didn't have the same feel Christmas usually gave me, my sister assuming her second mother role and running her fingers through my hair while helping my mom and hogging the shower - my brother keeping my dad company as the second male and keeping us all laughing (and stinking up the bathroom with his expensive cologne). I woke up instead to jinglebells and my mom singing (not abnormal actually), orange danish and a big bear hug from my dad.

I'm weird about change, I love new things so much but only when the change is in my favor I'm finding haha. This holiday change wasn't really in my favor, so I was a little skeptical as the morning progressed. But I found myself utterly content with the small gifts my mother thoughtfully put together and felt even better watching my parents read the letters and listen to the mix cds I made them (last minute gift.. I figured they were giving me small things so I should too) There's something about thanking someone or appreciating them that I think is not only so important but so gratifying.

As I dozed off to sleep on the couch after breakfast, Christmas music floating around in the background, I had made my mind up about this Christmas - it wasn't so awful after all.

My Grandmom came over for a wonderful ham, potato, green beans, and mandarin salad dinner and after we were all finished, my mom asked her about some of her Christmas memories. She had some good ones, little stories about snow on Christmas, one time when she was sick, and then finally she talked about Christmas her junior year of high school. She was dating my Pop Pop (who passed away last January) then, and she told us this story about how they were walking home from midnight mass and he walked her to her enclosed porch, where her Christmas tree was and gave her her gifts - a hair pin, a tiny bottle of chanel perfume (which was hard to come by in those years) and as he was giving her those gifts he said - "These are gifts for my girlfriend". Then, he got down on one knee and said, "This is a gift for my future wife" and proposed ! And all the lights on the tree came on, and the lights inside went on once she accepted and her whole family was watching. It wasn't just the story that touched me , it was the way my Grandmom told it - she got so choked up and literally started sobbing after she had finished, yet she had a smile on her face. Me being the emotional well I am of course got equally choked up and we all hugged her.

That was better than any gift I could have gotten, that moment - my whole family hugging her and us all just sniffling, living in that memory of her and my grandfather.

So, in a way, I was disappointed at first with this year's Christmas. I actually need a lot of things - my boots are all holey and I'm out of my perfume and a lot of makeup. But do I REALLY need it? No. I am making more than enough money over break to buy myself the things I need. What I really needed was a reality check - that Christmas was not about me, and I certainly got it.

I feel so strange. I've haven't really felt the need to change myself in a long time - and especially in this last year, I made no apologies for the way I lived my life. But I feel pretty different about all that now. I'm honestly so content with where I've ended up, even though there are many things if I could change, I would. But I'm honestly striving to be better in so many aspects of my life. Regardless if I announce them, there are things I know I want to improve on that I'm working on in silence. I just spent an hour in a hot bath reading and thinking, and I just love that even though there are very few people in San Ramon I care about seeing anymore, I couldn't care less! I used to get so anxious about going out and doing something and whatever, but now I am simply happy with curling up in bed and watching a movie or reading. I miss fullerton only because of my friends and my classes.

Anyway, this is a huge rambling blog. I really wanted to talk about Christmas and the way I've been feeling lately , which is really damn good. :) I'm so ready for this new year to begin, and I will be greeting it with open arms.

Home for the holidays

Sitting around at home has given me too much to think about. That whole rant should have happened when I messaged you back. But I didn't want to deal with it, I was at school and its so easy to escape you there. I went to Becca's party last night and Andrew asked about you. I hate when people bring you up, because it makes the memory of who you were re-surface and suffocate me all over again.

I feel like I'm living in my own walled in little world lately. I let girls in, sure. But even boys I let in before are shut out. Donnie. Ryan. Kenny. I'm just tired of the same. I want something so specific but I don't think its unreasonable. I just want to move on, replace him like he replaced me. That hole in my heart is still there. Spackled over with temporary patching, but its waiting for someone who fits.

Sometimes I wish there was a way I could just stop being strong and break down and have it be okay. But I can't. It's not okay. I am so good then so bad? Not bad but my mind.. my mind gets me. I get so frustrated. I like to think I've come a long way, but I sometimes wonder if I really have gone that far.

I don't knoww.

Glass

Rolled around on kitchen floors.
Tied my tongue in pretty bows with yours.
And now we pass and just like glass
I see through you, you see through me like I'm not there.

You could make my head swerve.
Used to know my every curve.
And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't.
Sometimes what we think we want we really don't.
Sometimes what we think we love we don't.

And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.
And when we meet on a street,
Then I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Epiphany

Nathan came over last night and took me out to sushi... held my hand, gave me sweet kisses on the cheek and lips. Cuddled through the night, completely respected me. Got along with my friends, didn't go running when we played apples to apples and I was completely ridiculous, per usual. 

Yet, I just wanted to be alone with my friends or just alone in general. It dawned on me in a certain moment last night that I'm really over the whole guy phase I was in - granted, I'm still boy crazy as I think I always will be, but .. for the first time I can remember in the past 4 years, I didn't need him there to make me happy. And I was honestly not really focused on him. 

I swear, it was the most refreshing feeling in the world. And I think I have my friends to thank for that. They weren't kidding (whoever they are) when they say you meet your bridesmaids in college. I have the best group of girl friends I would never trade out for the world. I'm not sure how I will survive without them for the next 6 weeks. I know I will, but it definitely won't be the same. 

I'm so content with life right now, and for the first time in fucking forever, its not because I'm dating anyone or even talking with anyone. I don't count whatever is going on with nathan, simply because its sparratic and I honestly don't want to date him. And the one person that I would consider anything with is out of reach. 

Touching on that subject, its hard. To know that you have such chemistry with a person, to care about a person, but my arms are extended out pushing him away. And I feel awful. I just know better. 

Point is, I'm really fucking good lately. For the first time in forever. And just good. With no ifs ands or buts. I could easily bitch and moan about a LOT of things. I could dwell on Eric and how he has been completely ridiculous - deleting me when he really has no reason to be upset if I WAS dating nathan, he's in love with her isn't he?? or I could dwell on the fact that Mike thinks I'm "unattractive" randomly. But I don't care. I literally laughed out loud writing these things. 

I love my friends so much. I love the person I've become. I love that I've been celibate for nearly a month and even though I'm not sure that will be the case after break, but I'm seriously going to try. I need to respect myself. And now that I have finally established that respect... everything is coming together. 

I suppose I should pack now? I might just lay in bed and listen to this playlist for a while. 6 hour drive tomorrow by myself, expect an epic update when I get back because no doubt I'll be milling over a lot in my head. 

Content.

december 14th

Last night was like something out of a dream. I spontaneously decided to go to LA to cinespace... somehow made it there in like 35 minutes, somehow found perfect parking and had enough change for the meter, somehow didn't miss Ryan's set. Heard Picture Atlantic and loved every instant of it, met "famous people" and had a bomb ass vodka cranberry. Met a cute boy in a beanie, ran around in a sea of hipsters, and then went outside with Ryan to refill my meter.

It was pouring, and we ran around and screamed and danced in it. I was too tipsy to care how freezing it was and the fact that I was wearing tights and a t shirt. 

I stood there on the ledge and you confessed your feelings to me - it was literally like a scene in a movie - with the bass of the club booming behind us as we talked in the pouring rain. It was a night I will never forget, regardless of the outcome. I probably shouldn't have driven home but I know that if I had stayed with you, it would only make it harder on the both of us. Sitting in my car and listening to bloc party and coldplay... it made me cry. It made me cry that you are so amazing but I can't let myself feel the way you do about me. It's too difficult. And I don't know if my feelings would be different if circumstances went our way. But you give me hope, that someone out there does care and not all guys are shit. Regardless of it all, I had a really good time. It was just what I needed - and we both needed to get our feelings out.

I want this

Heavy night, it was a heavy night
Feels like we've just, come back from the dead
Heavy night, it was a heavy night
I cannot remember what I said to anyone
If we get up now, we can catch the afternoon
Watch the under15's playing football in the park
Let’s sit in St Leonard's on this alcoholic day
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

I work hard all week and so do you
We deserve to let off some steam
Less orthodox creeping,
We need to rage through all of this life
There might be ones who are smarter than you
That have the right answers that wear better shoes
Forget about those melting ice caps
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest a silent smile
A private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations
Are all very well
But our love is louder than words

I love you in the morning

Coffee

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come down

There are so many things I could be doing right now but I’m sitting here listening to Death Cab, looking through files on my computer. The Internet’s down.

Seeing Emma go through the breakup with Matt affected me more than I expected. Just watching her collapse on the floor and sob the way I did so many times…at least she has her friends on her side through this. But I know the pain of losing someone like that.

Sometimes I wonder if Eric would care if anything happened to me. If he even thinks about me.
I talked to Melissa about a bunch of this stuff when I was home. Part of me thinks that Eric and I will end up together eventually, and then I remember the bad. And how I settled. And I don’t want that. I want someone who I won’t have to settle for. Who is effortless.

It’s so hard for me not to want it badly, too. It’s definitely gotten easier, but I have this ache. Not for Eric, though. For consistency. For a relationship.

I want someone especially now that I’m technically an adult and living on my own – where we would have no limits and I could see him whenever I wanted. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Am I really that repulsive?

And with Eric, am I really that easy to forget? That easy to just “fix” away into the darkness?

“I just wasn’t feeling it”, “You aren’t attractive to me anymore”, “I have my life with her now”.
Three different phrases all told to me within the same month. Then there’s _, who confuses the shit out of me, I don’t even want to deal with it. And _ , who I laugh so hard with and feel my heart swell but it scares me. Because he isn’t “cute” enough? I don’t know. _’s just a consistent hook-up, boring but fun.

Then BMC. I want him to be my relationship. I adore him, I want to be his girlfriend. I haven’t felt that way about anyone in a long time.

I just want consistency. I want my relationship status on facebook to swell in a big pink heart and announce to the world “In a relationship”. I want to focus all my attention on a new object of affection and leave Eric long gone. I want Eric to feel the sinking feeling in his stomach when he finds out. I want him to confront me and for me not to give a flying fuck.

I want a boy who is good-looking. Eric was good-looking. And not just cute, he was hot. He could make me squirm just looking at how adorable he was sometimes. I want that level of attraction in my next boyfriend, regardless if that’s a shallow thing to look for.

I want someone who is loud and proud and outspoken but not an ass. Who can have a good time wherever he goes, who looks on the bright side, who isn’t afraid to meet new people. Who will pick me up and twirl me around and throw me over his shoulder and kidnap me for adventures. I want someone playful and frisky and pushy in just the right ways.

I want someone who holds my head when he kisses me and looks me in the eyes afterward. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only person in the world. I want someone to share Christmas with, who loves the holidays as much as I do, who loves his FAMILY as much as I do. Who loves dogs and kitties and baby bunnies. Who will spoil me but not make it uncomfortable.

I want someone who will cook me dinner, take me out to dinner, or bring me dinner. Who will know my bad days and how to make them good, who will know how I’m feeling just by looking up when I walk in the door. Who will beckon me, who will kiss away my tears, who will surprise me with little things. Who will know my love for daffodils, sour patch, and chai tea.

Who knows just where to touch me, just where to tickle me, just where to stop. 

Most of all, I want someone who will stick around.
I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist.

Alone for the holidays, once again

I had the option of going out and seeing Nathan last night but I went home and crashed and slept in. Better choice, being alone. It's hard not to seek out boys, especially because I don't want to be alone during the holidays. But I feel better when I choose my girls or just hanging out myself over chasing after a boy. Especially lately. 

Whatever, I'm not really hung up over it. I'm just learning how to be happier and happier the way I am and literally my contentment has raised higher and higher as each day progresses. Good feeling.

I love my friends, they make my life. Especially the group I've been with as of lately. I went to disneyland last night with all of them and it just made my heart happy :) I almost don't want to go home for christmas just because I'll miss them so much! But of course, that's hardly an option.