Now, I feel stagnant. I think I felt more alive last semester because I was feeling SOMETHING. Right now all I feel is unmotivated and frustrated.
I'm going to be honest here. This is the first time that I can remember for yeaaaaars that I've been 100% alone. No guy I am still emotionally linked to who texts me all the time and gives me attention and strokes my ego. No fuck buddy. No booty call. And as sad as it is, I am so uncomfortable being where I'm at. I wish I wasn't, but I really am. I guess that makes me dependent on other people, but maybe it just makes me really connected to other people ? I don't know. I'm alone none the less. And I'm trying really hard to enjoy it. And I do, honestly. Just not always. And I guess this is the first time in a really long time I haven't really missed anybody to the point of heartache. Usually when I'm alone I reflect back on what's gone or what I wish had happened differently. I don't feel that way anymore. I just sorta feel numb.
I just really want someone who will live with me with a sense of adventure. And maybe I'm rushing it. I know I will be married for hopefully most of my life, so I really should enjoy the single life. And I think I am, haha. Just not late at night when I'm alone in my bed.
It's also difficult when I feel like I'm surrounded by people in relationships and so many people are getting engaged lately! (Not to say I'm not happy for them!) I just really feel like I have a lot to give to another person. And I think I deserve what someone else has to give to me. And maybe I'm just being a whiny girl, but I think I've always just looked for a companion. I was sort of raised as an only child with my siblings being so much older, and all I've ever really wanted was someone to be there by my side and do things with me. I never had that as a kid, and when I finally got a few tastes of it, it's like I got addicted.
I'm so thankful I'm no longer settling for less than I deserve, though. I'm lightyears ahead of where I used to be.
I really am happy with where I am, I guess it just gets clouded sometimes. I'm not completely satisfied with everything in my life and it's eating away at me because I'm not motivated enough to fix the things I can.
I need to get my head in the game. I have so many things piling up and I feel like I'm just laying on the ground watching these huge blankets of things to do fall down and cover me. I don't really understand why my inner-fire has dwindled down, but I hope I can revive it soon enough. And I finally know where the fuck my life is going by the end of this year, it seems like it's been eternity yet no time at all.
In the meantime, there's a lot of good food, a great group of friends, music, and as always, performing to keep me sane.
Maybe that's why I have been going nuts, I haven't really been truly performing/connecting lately. That's going to change soon.
It's all going to be over soon, I'm so close.