Sunday, April 27, 2008


Since I failed to take pictures of last night's events and I have yet to scrounge any up, I'm going to write how I remember it so that I can read it and create visual pictures in my mind later on. The night itself started pretty awkward - standing around waiting for the whole group to arrive then eating dinner and Jeffrey putting his elbow in chocolate pie and me helping him scrub it out in the bathroom.. then we left, and picked up some love, and drank on the way there. Imagine amazing weather, the windows all down in the explorer, blasting good dance music downing swigs. We collected ourselves and went into the dance.. chilled for a while, took pictures, then danced for a good hour or so. Jeff and I were dying, already being pretty warm for obvious reasons then dancing - we were both drenched. But I remember leaning back and seeing the disco ball reflect on the ceiling and just feeling completely happy. The dance went on for a while and we continued to do our thing and then finally just plopped down. On the way out of the parking lot, the little red bull mini was there and we all grabbed some and it made our drinking/dancing with the windows down in the car much more enjoyable.

We drove around to different spots before settling at this guy Sam's. Jeff and I finished our bottle of JD and laughed our asses off at Sam's antics and suddenly I found myself running into his room with a couple of Jeff's girl friends raiding Sam's closet for clothes to wear into the hot tub. The next thing I knew, I was in the half-empty hot tub laughing with a group of people I barely knew, Sam bearing a speedo quite proudly. Liquid broke the ice in this case, and we all bonded. Jeff found his way out to the patio and sat with me... we all laughed more as the first few notes from Blackbird hit my ears and I freak out. The Beatles soundtrack continued as Duncan played over by the table and the group whittled down to two. I laid on the brick divide between the pool and the sad excuse for a hot tub, one hand in each body of water. The stars swam above me as I closed my eyes and let my awareness of the environment around me sink in.

Several hours, drinks, bagels, and blankets later... I woke up with only four hours of sleep under my belt. I attempted to sleep just a little more as Jeff socialized, then we all headed out for breakfast - formal wear and all. We had a very good breakfast at Red Apple in Watsonville, and then finally headed back to change at Jeff's. I spent the majority of the day laying around his house watching soccer with his family, sitting in his backyard petting his sweetheart of a dog, and eating. We went over to Beer Can Beach just long enough for my shoulders/arms to get brutally sunburned. Today the weather was amazing, I couldn't have asked for a better day to be in Aptos. I stayed long enough at the Christerson's for a nice little BBQ then headed out in the midst of the Sharks losing. My drive home was relaxing and 17 was much more enjoyable on the way back.

Speaking of 17 - the mere act of avoiding driving through Gilroy and Morgan Hill - of not passing by your exit - was a really good decision.

These past two days were just full of creating memories for me - even if it wasn't with anyone I'm particuarly close to. I love meeting new people, I love adventures, I love doing exactly what I did last night. Living life to the fullest, no regrets, no looking back. I felt so held back for so long - even when I didn't want to, I held back because I felt like it was respectful. Now, frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'm living my life exactly the way I want it. Maybe its me being a little bitter, maybe its me turning my head and acting like a little girl - but it works for me... and I feel good. I can't repeat how anxious I am to get out of here enough.

**Edit :

Saturday, April 26, 2008


Yesterday ended up better than I expected. Now I'm even more confused. And you can bet that after tonight, I will become even MORE confused.

Isn't that great?

I'm going to prom with Jeffrey tonight, should be awkward but fun. Night two of rediculous drunken parties, no doubt. As Donnie said yesterday, I'm training for college.

Regina Spektor is amazing.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I can try and pretend like I didn't expect that, but I did. I am awesome at fooling myself sometimes. Ohh man.

You's part two

You aren't getting the hint.
You are avoiding me and I hate it. Or maybe you're not, but it sure as hell feels like it.
You are an amazing person one-on-one, I wish I could bottle that up and keep it with me forever. I'd fall for that person. Too bad you blew me off.
You could be my husband in the future, I've thought it through.
You say you have always loved me, then expect me to just not react? To just go back to my life and forget... but then you don't respond to me.
You are so down-to-earth, I click with you and I love it.
You are starting to annoy me, and I'm going to do something about it.
You need to stop overdramatizing everything.
You strangely attract me?
I want one night with you.

Thursday, April 24, 2008


I might have already posted these lyrics but I feel like they relate to how I feel.

And the bright-eyed choke on ambition
And the old folks circle their graves
And the young ones are busy destroying their names
And you're still just wasting away.
I sit and watch the screen for a message
Some kinda sign that says we're OK
But the screen stays blank till I turn the thing off
And wait for my conscience to break.

So, So, So
It's so damn slow
I hope you're learning to listen
And I hope you're learning to stay
And I hope you find what you're missing
And I hope that you're making your way
I'm a headcase if I don't keep moving
And my head hurts if I don't sit still
It's an itch that I'll never stop scratching
It's a hole that I'll never quite fill

I've been trying to write a real entry for like three days now but I'm not sure how to put how I feel into words.

I feel like a shallow person, but everyone says that I shouldn't feel that way at all. I just am so sick of so much. I am really starting to realize how low my tolerance level is, and how picky I really am. I have been moving too fast, I need to sit back and relax.

Its weird how you have that instant connection with some people.. and others there is not. Even when you try, its really not there. There is no conversation, nothing is interesting. It bores me. I don't want to spend more time in my life chasing, teaching. Attempting to come up with a makeshift connection that isn't really there.

I feel like my subconcious is a fucking retard. It loves to incorporate painful memories into my dreams, cause me to act like an idiot and disregard things to "protect myself". Idk what else. I just hate it sometimes.

Isn't it funny how I'm avoiding something and I know someone is avoiding something with me? I can sense it, I feel it in every aspect. So while I feel no remorse for my avoidance, I feel the direct effects of my actions through another person. I just wish I could talk things out with both people and get it out of my system. Yet this awkward little waltz goes on. Its starting to give me a headache.

It sucks that the one person I want to talk to about my problems is definitely 100% the wrong person to talk to about it all.

I just want to start fresh and new NOW. I can't wait to move, really. I can't wait for all of this to blend nicely into the background and to look back at all this and laugh.

I'm too fucking tired and I need to stop bitching... Ratatat will help me dance my way into slumber.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


I am all over the place, mentally. Wtf. Why do I do these things to myself?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Note to self:

- Find the shotglass I bought in DC before Saturday
- Dream big
- Do not settle
- It's okay to look back on the past every once in a while and open up rather than living in a bubble
- Accept that life and the afterlife is scary as hell if you sit down and think of it.. but use it as more motivation to live your life to the fullest.

Late night thoughts are always the most interesting, haha.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


30 seconds. 30 seconds?! 30 seconds?!~!!!

how can something so perfect be so FRUSTRATING!?!!!!! How does it even freaking happen!?!!!!

It is absolutely horrible but it almost makes me lose all interest/hope.

I'm going to Berekely next week. I'm seriously considering flying down to LA for a visit too, 40 dollars from virgin airlines.

WHAT IS UP WITH THIS!?! It makes me so frustrated. WHY!!!


So wrong, but so righttttt. So, so so so incredibly right. (:

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Do you know where your heart is?

Airplane snapshots and bears hanging out of windows..

the view from my brother's patio

Manhattan beach/ pier

Funny story behind these... we took a cab back after dinner since it was a pretty far walk back to my brother's house, and we got picked up in the "party van" driven by johnny kash ahahah he pulled down a screen and a live beyonce concert dvd was playing. kim and i were dying. then he turned on all these lights?! ahahhaha it was amazing.

Fullerton was amazing. I cannot wait to move. The school is seriously perfect for me, the theatre program is so spectacular. I toured the theatres and fell in love. I want this so bad, its so competitive, but I am going to work as hard as I can to be part of the 20% who make it into the BFA program.

Life is funny right now. I'm in a complete transition phase of my life, but I'm trying to enjoy it. Brett tried out for the UC Men's Octet today and made it to the last round! I'm anxious waiting to hear if he made it.

I keep having these dreams where Eric pops up, its really odd. Its kind of unsettling, to be honest. I wake up really disoriented, because it takes me back to a mentality I don't think my conscious self ever lets me return to as of late. I'm so detatched from everything. Its kind of nice, actually. I don't want to fall in love or make any best best friends right now so its cool to just hang with the people that are in my life with no real expectations. I feel free, its wonderful. (:

I'm going to Aptos' prom with my middle school crush, its going to be really fun. He's this really funny surfer guy that I went to Monte Vista with, and he just sort of randomly asked me because he didn't have a date, which is fine for me. I know we'll just be chillin and there will be no romantic pressure or anything. And there's a big bbq before and I'm sure we'll be partying after.. I am so excited! He'll be a fun date and it will just be an overall fun night :)

Two proms two weekends in a row! Sweeeeeet ! These last few months of living at home and school are going to be so fun and great. I am so stoked off life right now, its a great feeling. And you know what? I've been pretty happy with life before, but it always seemed to revolve around my feelings for a boy. And honestly, having Brett in my life is awesome, but that definitely isn't why my life rules so much right now.. it just adds to it :)

Brett just sent me this amazing acapella song... he's at some acapella practice. I want to be in an acapella group so badlyyyy.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

On the softness of her laugh, I could almost make my bed

I got the pictures from the shoot! They are amazing. I love Andria, she is so talented.

I'm trying very hard to not let little insignificant things bother me... but I think everyone I talk to about it understands. I have a right!!! :P

It's weird to be "dating" someone who isn't an hour away. I like it though. I like that its not so serious, I just like it in general. I went to Brett's volleyball game yesterday, that was fun. Sports are so fun to watch simply for the faces people make while playing them. Love it. Then we had Greek food at Daphne's - it was phenomenal. I'm in love with Brett's cat !!! Monty, she's the best. Softest most cuddly wonderful thing in the world. And I met his parents... super jewish, I love it.

To say I'm really excited for this weekend is an understatement. I am SO pumped. I cannot wait. Lots of applications lately to fill out.. housing, scholarships, camp counselor applications. I'm auditioning for a $10,000 scholarship... nerve wracking, but if I get it - that would be freaking awesome. I want to be a camp counselor at this drama camp this summer really badly. It would be such an amazing experience...but who knows if I will even be able to. I have so much on my plate.

I am sitting here staring at my room, just wishing it would make itself better.. haha I need to set a time aside to clean it. But I have literally, no time. Except for downtime like this after work which I like to spend enjoying myself and relaxing.. not cleaning. Perhaps tomorrow.

My bed is beckoning me for a swim in my dreams, so I guess I'll dive in. :)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Well its got to be strong to touch my heart through its shell

I love when I have something I really need to do, I always feel the need to update my blog. Yay procrastination.

This weekend was beyond amazing. Such a wonderful end to such a stressful week (:

I just put all the pictures up in non-chronilogical order so whatever. I'll start by saying that Brett and I went to the lindy on sproul thing he goes to yesterday, which is basically a bunch of people who gather to dance at the plaza in Berkeley. I was so tired because of the day before being so hectic, then getting little to no sleep because of stupid dumb blondes bitching about not really stolen iPods (abra kadabra!) but the dancing was worth it.

Please observe pictures Brett's friend Kristen took :)

Blues dancin'

Then we went to a random patch of grass after eating at Slurp's and sprawled out and sort of half-napped for a while... it was wonderful. Berkeley's campus is so nice :)

So Brett had been gone all week in Cabo, and this is one of the things he brought me back :) "te amo lora" with a little heart and rose thing ona grain of rice. He's super cute.

Friday after Mr. Cali and the competition (which went a lot better than I was anticipating), we finally made it over to Donnie's for Andrew's neon party... so fun. I was with all my favorite people. :D

I could write a lot more, but I'm going to try to work on my powerpoint thing so I can go sleepy.

Ps- Isn't it ironic that when people find out they can't have something, they want it that much more? It's really irritating me right now. Sorry, you lost your chance.