Monday, December 28, 2009


1. finding each other in the westfield mall in sf
2. nutella milkshake
a. to go
b. sipping on a bed in the calvin klein section of macy's
3. elevator in the parking structure
4. walking in the rain
a. steering me
b. tee-pee hood
5. running through the rain, hurdling over a hedge and into making of
a. grandma's dead
b. magic
c. throwing knives
d. ninja stars
6. bowling
a. fat tire
b. losing by exactly half
c. being indie in bowling shoes
7. ikea
a. making fun of 500 days of summer
b. making fun of danish names
c. billy
d. the discovery and retrieving of andy (the shelf)
e. arm holding
f. four wheel drive
8. home
a. marty (or however you say it in russian)
b. the cake
c. the cloud
9. cheesecake factory
a. awkward server
b. attempting to get a drink and failing
c. not eating much or taking it to go
10. ice skating
a. peeing with skates on
b. sitting on a wet bench
c. hugs
d. first kiss
e. taking our goofiness way too seriously and laughing pretty hard
f. taylor swift, kelly clarkson, pet shop boys
g. wet butts
h. sour patch
i. drying by the fire in a squat position
11. movie on the cloud
a. butterfly effect
i. downloading
ii. time spent while downloading
b. nuzzle
c. good talk
d. nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle
e. side sleepers
f. japanese proverb, "a nail that sticks out must be hammered down" and laughter ensuing
12. 1:30pm
a. cloud all day
b. blind(s)
c. nuzzle
d. "do i look pale....?"
13. neal's
a. eggs benedict, hashbrowns, water
b. tobasco sauce predicament
c. no menus needed
d. tipping
14. starbuck's
a. strawberry banana... "that" guy
b. jew friend
15. CVS
a. marveling at ocd technology
b. alvin and the chipmunks
16. Driving home
a. stars
b. stars
c. beating the GMC
e. nixon glasses
17. Cloud and Billy
a. bottom and middle shelf
b. getting a little carried away with the hammer
c. A.D.D. and Romance
d. pj's in bed
e. iSqueeze
f. silver sun pick ups ?
18. Round table
a. crazy ass asian man in parking garage
b. beer! combo!
c. feliz navidad
d. crusts with ranch
e. lite ranch
19. Sherlock Holmes
a. buzzed in line
b. spending like 5 hours at the movie theatre
c. princess and the frog
i. dancing
ii. standing nuzzles
iii. children everywhere
iv. racism!
d. restless snuggles
e. not leaving right away
20. Driving
a. dancing
b. akon
c. kanye
d. laughing
e. memory lawn
21. In N Out
a. people everywhere
b. spread and fries
c. athena
22. :)
a. sleeepy
b. not
c. "ditto"

Friday, December 25, 2009


the best things seem to come when you've stopped looking.
its so good but i'm not invested i'm just taking it slowly. there is no stupid preemptive warning about attachment or stupid shit. no bullshit. only honest thoughts and its amazing how much we agree on. it's almost too perfect but i'm okay with that. i'm not expecting the world i'm just taking it as it comes and it feels so good. and he keeps me on my toes. "full of surprises". every word that has come from his mouth has made me smile or has reassured me. very early, but i'm happy. this is the sort of person i've been waiting for.

he asked me to dinner and to go ice skating. and him and i are going to ikea. good start, if you ask me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sigh sigh sigh sigh.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

i just miss you, i miss the you i loved, i miss us together, i miss you and i when we were happy. it just seems so far gone now. i dont know how to miss you because i don't want to miss you.
I wish so badly that things had turned out differently.
You changed so much for me in so many ways.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I really appreciate

your honesty.

I'm glad it was now rather than later.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I don't know if I can handle this. I need someone who wants to fall in love, not someone who barely believes it exists.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Inglorious Basterds
The train story/song
Hazy skies

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My body is so fucked up right now it worries me a little. I almost fainted yesterday.

And I'm just confused, I'm not sure what I want at all anymore.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Lizard on acid
Free pazookie
Italian spice disaster

Saturday, November 28, 2009



Friday, November 27, 2009


Pop champagne
Human blanket

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Banana cream pie

Monday, November 23, 2009


-Tetris, the L shape and the long one. And the Z, zig zag.
-Brown corduroys and stripes
-Straight flush on the first hand
-Grape mint, cantaloupe
-Blueberry juice and Bacardi
-Strawberry lemonade
-Vegan spaghetti

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I've Got You - New Buffalo
Margot and the Nuclear No- No's
Beauty Queens - Pedro the Lion

Thursday, November 19, 2009

To remember

A message - Coldplay
Fix You - Coldplay
Clocks - Coldplay
Don't Slow Down - Copeland
Thanks to you - Copeland
Saves the Day
Jack's Mannequin
The Best of Me - Starting Line
Options - Pedro the Lion
John Wayne - Sufjan

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I don't know if it's just me getting used to this new birth control combined with my heart hurting or what but I am really fucking miserable. I had an amazing scene go up this morning which I completely rocked and got praised so much for by my teacher, but I still can't shake it. I'm truly sorry that I made you feel horrible and a monster and whatever else. I never meant to make you waste your time coming out here and I never wanted to hurt you. Which is why I took it slow and told you how I was feeling and tried to keep you as well informed as I could. I tried so fucking hard to salvage our friendship at the very least but you just threw it through the buzz saw. I had hope when you started our conversation out saying how you didn't want bad blood between us but it just spun around so quickly and I don't understand it. That's what hurts the most, is that it's like you figured out I wasn't worth your apology anymore or something. You don't think there's anything to apologize for and I'll apologize for things that aren't anybody's fault. I just am so emotionally spent. It hurts. And you won't even take the time to listen or try and see my side. I'm not trying to get you to agree with every aspect of what I say but you dismiss it all like I'm full of shit. Like I have no reason to be upset with you and that you're this fucking angel. I just am so hurt. I just wish you cared. You said you loved me and you wanted me back and I believed you, I wanted that so bad. But the moment shit gets hard and you don't get what you want you back out. How does that make you a strong person? How is that loving me? If you loved me, why did you say those things to me? I just can't wrap my head around it. I feel like everything you ever told me was a lie. Because you wouldn't have treated me this way if you cared about me. I care so much about you and I have given it so many tries and given you so many chances and have taken the shit from you and still stuck by your side and even after everything still gave you another chance. I want you to be okay I have dropped my emotions to help you time and time again. But I can't do that anymore, because you don't do the same. Loving me requires more than washing my clothes and cooking me breakfast and taking me to dinner. Loving me means you love me through the good and the bad. And I did that with you. I loved you and still love you despite it all. But love is a two way street. I can't destroy myself in loving you by putting all my emotions toward making sure you're okay if the reason why you're upset in the first place is because you feel guilty for something. Or whatever else. I just ache, I just hurt. I did everything I could possibly do but this time I was done listening. I was done being beaten up emotionally by all of your shit. I don't deserve any of this.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

How can you not see how you hurt me? And instead of giving a shit that you did, just blame me for being a crazy bitch who makes you out to be a monster when you "did nothing wrong". You don't even try to understand, you just dismiss it and deny it. You care more about your reputation than the fact that you hurt me, and are continually hurting me. I'm not crawling back to anyone, there's no one to crawl to. I'm all alone here, all over again. I just cannot believe you. You said you loved me and you cared about me but everything you said last night completely contradicted that. I feel so hollow and betrayed and just, empty. You're supposed to want to make it better, not to destroy me. How can you be so blind?

Monday, November 16, 2009

just trying not to be sad.

weird point in my life, all over again.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I need stability.

You can't bring that to me right now.

Shitty thing to realize.

Matt was more considerate in the same sort of conversation. I'm not ready. Okay, as long as you're happy Lora. I wish you made me feel the same sort of reassurance.

Monday, October 12, 2009

i'm really beginning not to like you
it's interesting.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Is it weird how good this is? It is. Is it weird how okay I am with it all? It is.

We'll see.

I feel safe just sitting across the table.

But, right now, I just had to call the cops on the couple downstairs because I could hear them threatening each other and I know they have a kid. I'm so shaken up because the cops came to my door by accident and I don't know. I just don't know. It reminds me of something that could have been escalated into that. It scares me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Even though I know you're probably bipolar now, it still doesn't mean things will work out. I wish it could though.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I don't know what to do.

So my whole family calling me every day asking if I'm bringing a date to the wedding doesn't make things easier.

I feel like I'm losing myself.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I have found in exploring my chakras

in my voice and movement class,
I bury a lot more than I realize.

Working through things I've buried deep isn't easy. I have so many doubts, I really wish it didn't effect me so much.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Though I'm not entirely sure why. I just am so anxious to fast forward I'm not taking the time to enjoy what I have now.

Disney really threw me off, it scared me a lot. It reminded me a lot of why I hate weed. And seeing how you really have influenced me with that makes me kind of sad. I don't want to force you to quit and I don't want to let it bother me but I think it does. It does because it scares me and I do not enjoy the emotion terror - which surged through me as we stumbled away and I almost passed out.

Granted, that's a lot more likely to happen when I drink but it was just a big slap in the face - a big huge reminder as to why I've slowed down my partying significantly. I don't want to be the girl who's always high, I don't want to be the girl who's always drunk, I thought that was appealing at one point (though I'm not sure why anymore) and now I just don't want to waste any moment I have with you. I want to feel everything, I want to remember every moment. I don't want to forget, I especially don't want to smoke to the point where I'm around you and I don't remember.

I don't know. Just unsettled. It doesn't make my feelings for you any less, if anything I feel like it intensifies them. 

Also, I feel like I'm re-adjusting. I'm learning how to be dependent yet not too dependent and independent but not too distant. I trust you but I'm still scared shitless. I'm so scared and I just want the future to come sooner. My heart feels like it could burst from all the anticipation and love inside of it because of you.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Falling into place

A click.
The flip of a latch locking into place, the satisfying muted flick you hear when you push together two pieces of cardboard puzzle together, the sound of a key going into a lock and fitting perfectly, reorganizing boxes in your car so you can add more when you're moving, the soft clack of a locket closing and clasping together.

That's what I feel when I'm laying in your arms. That kind of satisfaction. That kind of contentment. That I'm secure, that I am right where I need to be. You calm me down and you speed me up, you motivate me and keep me grounded all at once. You inspire me to be better.

I am falling harder and harder for you each moment we breathe together. I could lay around all day and just breathe you in and I think I'd be happy.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

For those of you who value religion in your life:

Start reading my mom's blog, it's cute and inspiring. She's just finished her first Bible Study and is looking into getting it published so she's using her blog as a little publicity haha


Monday, June 8, 2009

March 20, 2009 (12:08am)

I feel so content alone today. I feel you looming near, whoever you are. I know you’ll come into my life at the right time. And it will be beautiful, us falling into one another and losing all control. You’ll change everything, and we’ll conquer the world hand in hand. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this year. But one day, you and I, whoever you are - we’ll make this world our own."

Demolition Day (written march 22, 2009 3:57am)

"I don’t want to be the one pushing. I don’t want to be the one pulling, wanting, needing. I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. I can’t make anyone do those things for me, and I am done fooling myself thinking that I am wanted. I’m done knocking down other people’s walls only for them to be too scared to face mine.

I want someone who will meet me on the same level. Who will look me in the eye, and demolish the barriers I’ve set up. And maybe he won’t even do it intentionally, but his wrecking ball will wipe away any sort of hurdle. We’ll hold hands and I’ll push through his walls. We’ll stand amidst the wreckage and we will be beautiful.

When is our demolition day?"

Thursday, June 4, 2009


I need to do something to motivate myself into what I'm pursuing again. I want it, I always have but I can't help thinking about issues I want to help push - like my bill for Y&G, how I want to be able to make a significant change.

Maybe it's just because I'm really starting to like being home again, but it's more than just James. I love to perform, that's true, but I am losing my drive. I need to see a show , I need to do something I need to work on something so I am motivated.

I just hate that the next year of my life is going to be jumping through hoops and kissing ass, only to have an 80% chance of not succeeding. I know I get a great education in exchange, but I don't know. I'm young, I have so many other passions, so many other things I want to pursue and learn. I want to do a semester abroad in London, I want to live in New York. Such a big part of me wishes I could just pick up and go there some days.

Maybe I belong in politics afterall. And not stupid elected presidency or anything. But a congresswoman or senator. That would be so awesome, like, being able to make a difference - being able to improve this stupid little earth while we still can. People take this life, this earth, for granted. Maybe I should just become an environmentalist hahah. I am really passionate about the bill I studied and being green and recycling, but I can't say I do all of these things myself. But the bill that I wrote would motivate everyone to because it would eventually lower prices of products that encourage green living.

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

All I know is that I am a little lost in that regard, but I have never been more sure of where I am with James. I looked back on some old entries, and every time I read "I'm just waiting for that one person to change my mind" or something along those lines... I smile so big. Because it was worth the wait. I found him. We found each other. And it's amazing. I know that its going to suck a whole fucking lot after summer but I think we can handle it. And it's only for a year, and he seemed to be thinking along the same lines I do.

I see myself with him for quite a long time. I can only hope and love.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

So far,

I am blown away by you. Completely and utterly blown away.

Day one, the zoo, planet earth, pizza my heart, fitting perfectly into your arms and plenty of bacardi. Liquid courage, as we both seem to call it. The question, the answer, the undeniable connection.

Waking up to an amazing breakfast and an even more amazing proposition, a new start. A beginning. Spent the entire day together driving with no maps - stopping at the coast and in the trees for a breath of fresh air, but that was hardly necessary - any moment with you is like breathing in mountain air. The entire night just staring at each other and soaking each other in. Talking, confessing.

This weekend, from beginning to end was flawless. Being introduced to your friends and them liking me, plans for double (triple?) dates, posing for photos. Not even posing, just being us. We don't have to pose to be happy. Dancing, kissing, getting little sleep. Your sleep talking, "it's the thought that counts" hahah. Planning to wake up early for a breakfast date, sleeping in a little later than expected and going to Rudy's for a brunch date. Roaming around, adventuring, laughing. So much laughter. Naptime, movie date, Johnny Roscoe, actual sleep. Barney's and our crashing milkshake.

I can't get enough. I just have this feeling, deep in my gut. This feeling that this is something so good. I am good for you, I can already see the results of it - and you are so good for me. We motivate each other, we hold each other up. We encourage and liste and work so freaking well.

I have never felt this way before. I never thought something could redefine everything I have ever thought of a relationship and falling in love so quickly. We both are on exactly the same page and that's all that matters.

I am so, freaking happy. I keep saying it's too good to be true - but it is true. And it's not too good, its perfect. We talked about that, nothing is too good or too perfect. It's absolutely perfect the way it is, no excess of perfection. Just, content. Amazing. Perfect.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Perfect isn't the right word to describe us. We are beyond perfect together. There isn't a word to describe how I feel about you, love doesn't quite capture it yet.

I haven't felt this way ever, ever in my whole life. We spent the entire night just looking at each other and talking and just breathing each other in. I have felt love before, but I feel like this is more.

This is truly redefining any idea I had about love, and leaping far and beyond what I ever expected.

Everything just feels right. And natural. And perfect, but more than that. It just literally feels like I fell into place. Like, suddenly I am completed. Like this big puzzle piece was pushed into my heart and clicked into place.

It doesn't matter how crazy people think I am. It doesn't mean a thing. I don't care. It weirds me out too that I've only known you a month and already I'm feeling this strongly, but I'm not running away from it. I'm running towards it, we're running together. It's just, dskfjslkfs. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, we know.

You take care of me, you look me in the eyes and melt my soul with just one look. The way you look at me says it all. You can tell me how you feel and what you promise but your eyes speak for you - they prove you're genuine. I cannot get enough of you, I want to go everywhere with you and take you everywhere with me.

And the best part is, you feel the same way. We're on the same page. Exactly.

I think it's safe to say this is the start of something big.

"This is what it's supposed to feel like".

Thursday, May 21, 2009


did you stumble into my life so simply? I always say that the right guy will come when I'm back on my feet and can stand tall. I have been so incredibly happy even sans a love life the past two months, what a better time for you to walk into my life?

We talk for hours. We don't even have to say anything but its understood. You already finish my sentences. You are spontaneous and want to take me places and show me things and surprise me and care for me. You want to know me. You appreciate knowing me and the process of it. Everything I feel inside I don't say right away, you say first and make it okay for me to say back.

You have your head on straight, you know what you want but also don't - just like me. You and I have an insane amount in common and it makes me wild. I am so anxious to finally be with you, for the surprises you have planned, for just laying there and talking to you face to face.

Yosemite, East coast, Texas, Beach day, Giants game, Disneyland, you already want me to meet your mom when she comes. I want you to come win over mine so she'll make you the steak dinner I can't make :)

I'm constantly listening to cheesy lovesongs and I walk around with a stupid grin on my face. I have not felt this way in so long. With you, there are no "buts". There are no, well he's great "but...". I am crazy about you and I cannot wait to see where this goes. It literally makes me so anxious I can't even handle it.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Just when I'm done, the right one comes along. Always the caaaase :)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Tonight I am sitting here and I don't need anyone. I am completely content where I am.

I do get emotions attached too easily to people so far away, I need to stop doing that. And as content as I am being where I am, I can't say I don't still think about you almost every day and miss you.

I still wonder if I should give it a chance. But I'm not going to vocalize how I'm doing thinking that one over until I'm sure of it. God knows you'd hate me for it.

Who knows if you'd even care to hear it anymore.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I feel insane.

I just looked up apartments in Vancouver.

This is redefining every idea of a relationship and how it's supposed to go. I never really believed in love at first sight or whatever, and I certainly don't think this is the case but I feel so incredibly drawn to you. And you make me so happy, happier than I've been in a long, long time.

It scares the shit out of me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Some times I feel like we went through a breakup.

But we were never together.

It hurts.

Monday, April 6, 2009

My Lack of Skill

All my life, I waited for something great,
Here I am with nothing showing.
And all I want, yes it is all I wanted- it's us
I lost my chance maybe a month ago.
I waited long but I got to thinking
I waste my time because I'm always thinking I'm wrong.

And it's tough being alone when you're naive
And you just want to believe everything everyone says.
Oh, it would be great if I could just deal with it.

I'm packing up almost everything,
I'm moving out and starting over.
And all I want, maybe it's all I want, is love.
If that was it, then it would all be great,
But I can't walk without feeling lost.
And I don't know, I'm thinking it's all I know is us.

And it's tough being alone when you're naive.
And you just want to believe everything everyone says.
oh, it would be great if I could just deal...


And it's tough being alone when you're naive.
And you just want to believe everything and everyone.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm trying

to be a better person, in all aspects of my life.

I'm trying not to throw a fit when I don't get what I want, when you leave me to protect yourself, when he gets drunk and fucks her again.

I have wasted so much time this year sitting and letting this longing for love overtake me. In turn, I have been a bad friend, a bad student, and a bad employee on the days where things get rough.

I know I'm entitled to be upset, and I'm not saying I regret anything I went through. But I feel stronger. I'm trying to be strong, to be mature, to learn that in life, things are never perfect. I'm learning every day to appreciate the time I have alone and with friends.

But in this, I have been reflecting, a lot. I'm still not sure how to deal with you. And it saddens me, a lot. I don't know how long I can keep away from you, but I will. Because truthfully, I'm always going to be drawn to you. And for no good reason, really. It's not like we were together, or that I ever treated you the way I should have. But I was driving the other day, and burst out laughing thinking of our first night together. I remembered you and I running around and speaking in British accents, piggy back rides, McDonald's Run, me spitting the pickle in your face, our first kiss. And that night that I swear was straight out of a movie.

I don't know, but all I know is it is right for this distance and this separation. And I'm sorry I resisted it. Maybe it's taking me losing you to realize how much I do care about you. Maybe it's me wanting what I can't have. All I know, is I'm learning through this.

I haven't forgotten you, and I don't intend on losing you. I hope you feel the same.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I think I'm growing up. Half of me wants to speed through it and the other half of me wants to slow it down. So. Weird.

I'm making progress.

And I still miss you. But I think this separation is good. I just hope you don't hate me for not loving you. Sincerely.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sometimes I wonder if I've already met you.

But you're wayyy too out of reach.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I'm feeling much better. Today was a better day. I wish every day was this simple. I'm learning to love being by myself, day by day.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

It's just one of those nights. I'm so sick of this, I'm SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Tisbury Lane

I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying to be all I can be, to not let these people get the best of me. But I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. My heart hurts. I feel so raw and exposed and I want to feel whole again. I'm lying here with my chest wide open in my own little fort.

You don't love me. You only love the idea of me. You have no idea who I am. I'm sick of false love. I'm sick of people telling me they care about me then just walking all over me, like my feelings don't matter. You say you care, yet you let shit like this happen.

I just need to be alone, I guess. I've been saying the same thing for a year now and somehow it isn't getting any easier. Listening to Mae reminds me of who I really am, or maybe just who I once was.

Sunday, March 8, 2009



Am I anymore? I'm fairly certain you're the only one who understood me. It scares me that you might be the only one who ever will, and I can't even really be your friend.

Just a touch of nostalgia.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


I need to be alone. Once I'm okay with being alone, maybe you'll come find me. Maybe then things will be clearer. All I know is right now, I don't want half-ass. I want someone completely. And it's about time I start demanding all of someone and preparing to give all of myself to someone else. 

So, solitude. I'm done with you, Mr. Halfass, Mr. Bullshit, Mr. Bodysnatcher. 

Waiting for Mr. Right. Holding out until I meet him. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


You are sleepin on my couch in front of me. I could get used to this, but it scares me a little bit. You're really different, in a lot of ways. The complete and total opposite of Eric. Regardless of what happens, you lift me up. I'm happy our paths have crossed - we already have a great friendship. More may come, maybe not. I'm glad either way.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


I will not stand for it. Any of it. So don't try to play it like I'm some idiot. You're a fucking asshole. Both of you, actually. Haha.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I don't knowwwww. I have such incredibly high standards. And I'm afraid to compromise even something little. 

I just want to run into someone who will sweep me off my feet. I want that movie-like experience of falling in love with someone completely unexpected but who is just completely perfect in my eyes. 

I don't want to knock down someone else's walls, I want someone strong who will come knock down mine. I've recently realized that I can't handle constantly trying to get people to open up to me if they have issues with it. And maybe thats hypocritical? But I have issues with letting down my own walls, how am I ever going to do that when all I'm focused on is getting a guy to tell me what he's thinking or how he feels? 

My chest feels tight. Like I'm locked away and closed in. I know I am. I just want someone who will grab both my arms and extend them outward with a smile on his face at what is released. Someone who will catch me when I collapse from the exertion and kiss my forehead. Someone who will tell me that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am perfect the way I am. 

I want someone to fight for me. I'm sick of fighting for everyone else.

I'm so worn out. I'm so tired. I feel like my heart is buried underground and I'm not sure what to do once it starts resurfacing. I just want that relationship, so. fucking. bad. I don't want to say well  "I like him, but.." I don't want there to be any "buts". I want to say I like him, and I can see myself falling in love with him. Or I love him, he's exactly what I've been waiting for. 

I'm not a very patient person.

Am I

fooling myself? that desperate? being horrible?


is it real? 

All I know is as great as my weekend was, once I saw him drive away all I could think about was that I wasn't as comfortable as I would have been with you.

But who knows if that's even true because you scare the fucking shit out of me.

Maybe it was better when you stepped out, I feel like I'm only going to make this worse.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go again. I am this wall of a person and lately I've been feeling pretty trapped inside.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high. Maybe I'm ridiculous to think I deserve someone overwhelmingly attractive (as shallow as that is), with an amazing intellect and taste. 

There's this couple who are in the piece I've been rehearsing for who are just so cute. And so into each other. And so just, ugh. I want that. I miss that. I misssss it so fucking much. And especially in times where I'm so stressed and all I want is to unwind. All I want is some other outside source of hope to keep me driving through.

Then again, I have it. I have my friends, I have that closeness and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. 

But I can't deny missing it. I can't deny that something about this time of year makes me miss it more. I have so many issues, I don't want to settle for anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be happy without the distance, without the priority problems, without the other girls, without feeling used.  I know I do. I have so much love to give and I am just bursting waiting for someone to pour it into.

But then I think, what if this guy I seem to be waiting for doesn't exist...? 

Andy's coming this weekend and although I'm excited, I don't know. I'm afraid it will be either too good or not good enough and I don't think I can handle either situation right now. 

I need you so much closer..

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I miss it so much. I miss familiar touch, intimacy. Shared breaths, brushing lips together but not kissing. I miss talking without speaking.

I miss loving someone so completely it almost hurts.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'm sorry

I couldn't do it. I'm sorry because you make me realize what I deserve. I'm sorry because I turn my head to you because it scares me. 

I'm sorry I can't love you the way you love me, and it kills me.

I just wanted you to know.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Well, one problem addressed.

"hey listen i hate to get all serious or whatever on you but.. i need to get this off my chest. i want you in my life as my friend at the very least and i dont think i can do that if anything like whats been happening keeps happening. and i dont want to keep you from doing whatever you want with that girl you met, but i cant handle you going back and forth between us.

like, i was really glad you apologized and then stacey told me you went to disney with her the next day? and i know it isnt like you guys are going by yourselves and i sound like a psycho but.. idk. i just feel stupid when shit like that happens because i care about you and i thought you cared too, and thursday night sincerely hurt me and seriously confused me.

i never really let guys in, i have been through a lot and idk. missing you over break made me realize that i wanted to open myself up a little more to you and give it more of a chance because you are an actual guy who seems to give a shit. and then i got so pumped up to see you and then i walked into that party and my heart sunk.

i dont know. i'm not your girlfriend so i'm not going to say choose me or her. but i just want to tell you that i'm not going to be okay with knowing that i'm one of the two options you have and i am not going to fight or be some competitive person because i dont think thats neccessary. i shouldn't have to compete. if you want to keep things the way they were with you and me, you cant be running to her afterward and then coming back to me expecting me to act like nothing happened and like it doesn't effect me. i can try to be your friend, but i won't let you hurt me like that again. i let it happen too many times with other guys, and i can't go through that again. i owe myself that respect.

so, if you decide you like the way things are with you and me, i'll be here. but please don't expect me to be okay with you going off with some other girl. meaning, don't do it. draw lines with her. i care about you a lot and i value you in my life, otherwise i would have told you to fuck off a long time ago lol if you really like this girl or whatever, then i'm happy for you if you're happy. i'll be your friend, but it wont be the same. and i'll draw lines with you.
and it sucks to do that, because i really do like you.. but i have to look out for myself. i deserve more respect than you've been giving me.

sorryyyy this is like a novel, i just needed to get it out... i hope i dont sound like a crazy bitch, because I'm really not trying to be."

sent to Robbie Keating at 2:14 AM

Sunday, February 8, 2009

To do:

- raise $300 for Y&G sustaining campaign

- print out research for the bill

- email my kids

- make green bracelets
- buy candy

- write two thesis statements and turn them in online/give them to marco before wednesday at 2:30

- transcribe for evelyn by wednesday

 - talk to lissa about not being able to attend rehearsal sunday

- math homework?

- skull pictures/drawings for makeup

- buy eyebrow pencil sharpener etc. for makeup 

- pack/arrange outfits for sac

all in the next two days. fml.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The cure makes me smile. Bob Dylan, modest mouse. Katy Perry. You singing along sheepishly as we both drifted into dreams. Elton John. Jimi Hendrix. Beer pong and me kicking your ass at it.. then ending up ridiculously drunk because you made us play again with recycled beer. Abandoning the beer for the rooftop, leaning back and naming the few stars we knew. You called me lovely as I climbed through the window. I've always been fond of little nick names, little compliments. Biking in the dark by the beach and racing, laughing - singing. Breaking off from the group and leaning against the wall watching the bonfires. I settled in so comfortably beneath your shoulder. I remember just feeling absolutely content. Walking to breakfast, sitting on the beach and watching the little naked boy and the bros play football. Betting on how long the surfers would stand up to the biggest waves. Laughing at "dru" , your shitty car, uno, the neighbors. 

I don't know about you but I hope that one day you will understand my sarcasm and I will understand yours. We both have issues communicating through them because we can never tell when each other is serious. 

I truly can't wait til you come to visit. I'm hoping you'll have enough money to go to Disney.. if not, I'll have to show you some place cool around here. (Is there any place cool around here?) Something about you softens me. It calms me down and grounds me. 

Or maybe I just want this feeling so badly that I'm pushing it on you ? I don't really think so. I get along with you so well, but there is a level of caution in our relationship - on both our parts. Maybe that's why our communication gets so off. 

Who knows. My friend Chelsea was talking about how you never really get over someone until you have someone new to replace them - but how she wasn't exactly sure she believed that. Then she said she met her current boyfriend and she realized how much she had been settling and missing out on. I just want to have that realization.. that epiphany that this is the person I've been waiting for.

And I am trying so hard to be patient. But what I felt and had with Andy those 3 weeks seemed more comfortable and genuine than I ever could have asked for. If nothing comes of it, at least I know that I'm capable of feeling something remotely close to what I used to again.
dlsjfsldjf;ldfjsl;jfdlj Why can't I just be with people who make me happy? Why do I hurt everyone good and let the assholes hurt me?

Monday, February 2, 2009

I feel cheap. I got upset, hypocritically yes, but I shouldn't have given up so easily. Now you seem to gloat to other people and it makes me feel idiotic. You don't deserve that kind of power, I don't deserve to be shoved off into the corner.

On a much happier note, Andy is coming to visit in three weeks :) And then I'll see him again in April... but he seems anxious to see me more. He wanted to know when summer started for me. He keeps sending me little texts like "so you need to move here now". I like that idea. I like the idea of him and I more than I've liked any idea of me with anyone for a long time.

But again, do I really want to put myself through that? I don't know. All I know is I will be a very happy girl when he arrives. And I fucking hope Robbie is here and feels just as shitty as I did. Even worse, maybe. Because I actually care about Andy.

I'm really looking forward to this month. LEEANNA IS COMING TO VISIT THIS WEEKEND, next weekend is Sacramento, weekend after that Andy is coming, then Danny is the week after that. :) Yaaaaaaaaaaay! 

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I shouldn't care. I didn't really, now that I think about it. I like you, but the chemistry is dry. But don't pump me up about seeing you just so I can walk into a party and see you with someone else.

I just don't know anymore. I give up.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

What do I say to you when you drunkenly call me and tell me that you're in love with me and I'm breaking your heart? What am I supposed to do, drop everything and say sure, lets fall in love and open myself to my own degree of heartache? I'm sorry if it's selfish, but I just could never do it. Never again will I be in a relationship like that where I hardly see you and where I have that constant ache. Our relationship would never be at its full potential. 

And to be completely honest, I like you a lot. But I don't think that I love you. And it scares me how much you care for me. I feel like if we ever were together, I would never like you as much as you liked me. And I won't put you through that.

But don't sit there and beat yourself up. Don't you dare say that you're wasting my time. As for your time, I'm not so sure - you are the only one who can determine whether or not it's being wasted. Don't you dare assume how I feel without asking. Do not say "well you know how I feel and you know what I mean". Because I am never really sure until you tell me. I'm a straight-forward, no bullshit person. So do me the favor and tell me it straight up. I'm not going to think any less of you. 

And when I say yes, I wanna talk to you. Yes, I'll call you back. I fucking mean it. Don't apologize and say oh we can talk another night and act like I don't want to talk to you.

Just saying.

I just wonder if I've become this hard rock of a person surrounded by walls and no one will ever be able to come in. What you said to me earlier, made me cry. That I'm the only person you don't feel you need to leave anything out to when you talk to. That meant a lot. I value you in my life, a lot. Regardless of what happens. 

I just wonder. I'm so eager for that feeling again, and hearing those words come out of your mouth - I froze. What do I say to you? Why is this happening to me? I can never be with the people who make me happy. 

I'm strong, sure. But I've got a whole bunch of layers of insecurities built up from the past year that are going to take a while to strengthen.

Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and scream. Who wants to deal with someone like me?

I wonder if I should be bold. But then I remember that its selfish and I step back. 

I just miss that feeling , more than anything. I cling to any trace of it lately.

"The only thing about you I don't like is that you don't like me."

Don't you see that's not the case at all?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I really am ready

And I'm sitting here waiting, like a little girl trying to be patient with her hands in lap. I'll be sneaking glances around the corner.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I can't believe 6 weeks have passed. I don't know when I'll be home again, maybe for spring break? Maybe not. 

I miss Andy already, I have that ache thing going on. Wasn't expecting that. "Don't go back to bitchertonnnn". I saw Donnie today. He hasn't changed at all. Acted like everything was fine, started getting cuddly and saying how he didn't want me to leave - I sat up and it was conveniently time for me to go. Probably should have considered that for the last 3-5 weeks, Donnie. 

I'm feeling homesick and I haven't even left yet. 

But I know once I get to school, and am with my loves, and either drunk or in disney - it will all be far behind me. 

Life is a funny thing, the phases we all go through.. so odd.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Tonight was flawless. We went to walnut creek for bomb chai and went to the movies - we had an hour to kill before it started so you asked if I wanted to go see where your dad used to live. Drove up a huge hill and laughed at my tiny car's weak attempts to climb it. Finally made it to the house after passing it mid-story and almost hitting a skunk. You showed me the pillar your car hit, thanks to no e-break. It was nice hearing you open up and talk about memories I had no idea about.We made our way back and hung out in the movie lobby for a while (because we're that cool). But to be honest, it never mattered. You have your moments, but tonight was completely free of being awkward. From the movie theatre basically to ourselves, to trying really hard to make the DDR machine work, to sitting on the fountain... We went to In N Out and talked more and you talked about your mom and I could just feel the respect radiating from you about what she does. We made it back to your house, looked at yahoo personals and laughed, and watched Tyra. Tonight was the best night with you there, so far. Being quiet didn't matter. It was the first time I was able to open my eyes and be okay - to lock my gaze with someone elses and not look away. 

We dozed off and woke up just around a half hour ago. You had to say goodbye in your sister's old panda filled bedroom , because your law servin' momma was about to get up. It wasn't long enough. I kissed you one last time and stepped out into the rain - I wasn't expecting it but I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I cried. You told me you'd miss me so many times tonight, and it really hasn't hit that I'm leaving technically tomorrow (now that it's 5am). 

Why does this happen to me? Why do I meet these people, have these feelings and in the end, I can't go past a certain point with them ? Who knows what will come of it. But I have had such an amazing time this break with Andy, and I laughed so hard with him. That feeling alone was worth it all. 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

It's about love
It's about compassion
It's about kindness and faith
It has nothing to do with luck
You get what you give
So give good.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I have come to find that I'd almost rather be alone than waste my time with pointless boys now. It's weird but refreshing.

I have stretch marks on my hips, thank you freshman 15.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

New Years Resolutions

- be healthier
* go to the gym 3x a week (remember our pact K,K,E)
* lay off the double doubles & spread :x
* drink WAY more water
* keep my room cleaner so I'm not living in a pot of germs

- be greener
* buy a cool water bottle instead of buying individual ones
* really commit to recycling bottles/cans in fullerton (anyone up for making a bi-monthly recycle run date?)
* use less water
* drive less, bike even more
* spend the extra money to get the recycled whatever it is

- be more responsible
* try to keep from procrastinating
* manage my money better
* be more on top of my school work
* drink/party less

- listen more, talk less

- do not settle 
* no meaningless sex

- read a book at least once every month

- read the news
* keep up with politics 

- save money
* $30 to girl fund for a future trip
* $100 when I get a big pay check for emergencies

- complain less, gossip less
* once I start complaining, take the initiative to flip it around and start appreciating
* in the midst of gossip, try to flip it around and say good things about the person

- be even happier than I am now with being alone/single

- inspire my forum kids
* give them a kick ass time in sacramento
* personalize a card for each of them

- be more patient
* give people the benefit of the doubt
* try to see things from another perspective

- write/record a song

I really hope I keep to these. I'm going to do my besttt.
"You know I miss you. But I don’t want to miss you if it’s not mutual. I think about you everyday and I’m scared I don’t even cross your mind"

I could say this about several people.
It's getting to the point where I've spent pretty much all my free time with Andy since January 1. Two weeks. And its gotten to the point where I slide into bed with him and snuggle up beside him - I feel like he's something that's sticking around. Then I remember.

Maybe this is yet another lesson I have to learn? But shit, how many do I have to learn until I'm happy like I was again? Who knows.

Bike riding on the beach, meals along the coast, records, snuggle tigers, and really bad reality tv. The worst part is, I could say "I could get used to this" but the truth is, I AM used to this. And I don't want it to end yet.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Meet Me in Montauk

I just watched Eternal Sunshine for the first time in foreverr. It really made me sit back and think. Eric's cousin has been telling me some weird things lately. Not bad necessarily, but things that definitely mess with my head.

Yet I am content. A year has passed and I barely noticed. A new year has turned over and I couldn't be more grateful. I am so incredibly thankful for every person in my life right now. It's so weird being home and not really having anyone anymore. Granted, I have Mely and the few people from high school that still bother to keep in touch and of course Alex and Jelena..but I don't know. Donnie was supposed to go to Sweden for most of January, and he didn't end up going. Yet I feel like he might as well have. It bothers me, but not in the way I expect it to. It bothers me that he can't keep a friendship with me even. That I have to be the one to push things to hang out. Regardless of what we are or aren't, I value having him in my life. And he's basically let me know he would rather not be a part of it by slipping off the radar. Maybe that's selfish of me because I know this month has to be hard on him, but I don't know. I don't think it's too unreasonable. I'm seriously considering returning his Christmas gift.

New years was the start of a whole new something for me - Andy. He's someone I've always been drawn to - I think he reminds me slightly of Eric yet they are nothing alike. He's a genuinely good guy, and its obvious. He doesn't take shit and he pretty much speaks what he thinks. He fits .. all of my qualifications. Except for the distance thing. And one other thing, but I'm not so sure it matters anymore. I'm really trying to not jump the gun at all with this one - I tend to do that. But I've seen him twice since New Years and plan on seeing him as much as I can before I leave. The great thing is that he makes feeble attempts at giving us things to do, but I really could care less. Last night we watched Muppets From Space and argued over character names. The time before we played beer pong for like two hours. I'm continually surprised by how comfortable I am with him, and how happy I am doing nothing at all when he's around. We talked about awkward boys and he told me he thinks he's awkward, but I set him straight. I said that's part of the reason he's always stood out to me. He has two sisters, takes his cousins to Disneyland, and burrows in his sleep. He asked about my past - I was really caught off guard. Who cares to ask? I always end up just babbling. I don't know. I really don't. I hate that I jump to the future with every guy I have anything with. Nasty habit coming out of a serious relationship. But...who knows. Summer isn't really that far, and I'll be back a few times before then. And summer is really long. And there's an 80% chance I'll be in SF fall of '10. But those are just ideas I toy with. Hopeful wishes. I really like him and I really want something consistent. But I'm not too sure these two coincide.

Then again, who knows? All I know is life is too short. And I haven't felt like this in a long time. It's not just one sided, for once. He seeks me out, and I'm so not used to it. I'm realizing my walls, my limitations. Moreso now that I have to think about letting someone in.

Here I go again, jumping ahead. But sometimes you just can't help yourself.