Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
I feel so content alone today. I feel you looming near, whoever you are. I know you’ll come into my life at the right time. And it will be beautiful, us falling into one another and losing all control. You’ll change everything, and we’ll conquer the world hand in hand. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even this year. But one day, you and I, whoever you are - we’ll make this world our own."
"I don’t want to be the one pushing. I don’t want to be the one pulling, wanting, needing. I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. I can’t make anyone do those things for me, and I am done fooling myself thinking that I am wanted. I’m done knocking down other people’s walls only for them to be too scared to face mine.
I want someone who will meet me on the same level. Who will look me in the eye, and demolish the barriers I’ve set up. And maybe he won’t even do it intentionally, but his wrecking ball will wipe away any sort of hurdle. We’ll hold hands and I’ll push through his walls. We’ll stand amidst the wreckage and we will be beautiful.
When is our demolition day?"
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Maybe it's just because I'm really starting to like being home again, but it's more than just James. I love to perform, that's true, but I am losing my drive. I need to see a show , I need to do something I need to work on something so I am motivated.
I just hate that the next year of my life is going to be jumping through hoops and kissing ass, only to have an 80% chance of not succeeding. I know I get a great education in exchange, but I don't know. I'm young, I have so many other passions, so many other things I want to pursue and learn. I want to do a semester abroad in London, I want to live in New York. Such a big part of me wishes I could just pick up and go there some days.
Maybe I belong in politics afterall. And not stupid elected presidency or anything. But a congresswoman or senator. That would be so awesome, like, being able to make a difference - being able to improve this stupid little earth while we still can. People take this life, this earth, for granted. Maybe I should just become an environmentalist hahah. I am really passionate about the bill I studied and being green and recycling, but I can't say I do all of these things myself. But the bill that I wrote would motivate everyone to because it would eventually lower prices of products that encourage green living.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
All I know is that I am a little lost in that regard, but I have never been more sure of where I am with James. I looked back on some old entries, and every time I read "I'm just waiting for that one person to change my mind" or something along those lines... I smile so big. Because it was worth the wait. I found him. We found each other. And it's amazing. I know that its going to suck a whole fucking lot after summer but I think we can handle it. And it's only for a year, and he seemed to be thinking along the same lines I do.
I see myself with him for quite a long time. I can only hope and love.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Day one, the zoo, planet earth, pizza my heart, fitting perfectly into your arms and plenty of bacardi. Liquid courage, as we both seem to call it. The question, the answer, the undeniable connection.
Waking up to an amazing breakfast and an even more amazing proposition, a new start. A beginning. Spent the entire day together driving with no maps - stopping at the coast and in the trees for a breath of fresh air, but that was hardly necessary - any moment with you is like breathing in mountain air. The entire night just staring at each other and soaking each other in. Talking, confessing.
This weekend, from beginning to end was flawless. Being introduced to your friends and them liking me, plans for double (triple?) dates, posing for photos. Not even posing, just being us. We don't have to pose to be happy. Dancing, kissing, getting little sleep. Your sleep talking, "it's the thought that counts" hahah. Planning to wake up early for a breakfast date, sleeping in a little later than expected and going to Rudy's for a brunch date. Roaming around, adventuring, laughing. So much laughter. Naptime, movie date, Johnny Roscoe, actual sleep. Barney's and our crashing milkshake.
I can't get enough. I just have this feeling, deep in my gut. This feeling that this is something so good. I am good for you, I can already see the results of it - and you are so good for me. We motivate each other, we hold each other up. We encourage and liste and work so freaking well.
I have never felt this way before. I never thought something could redefine everything I have ever thought of a relationship and falling in love so quickly. We both are on exactly the same page and that's all that matters.
I am so, freaking happy. I keep saying it's too good to be true - but it is true. And it's not too good, its perfect. We talked about that, nothing is too good or too perfect. It's absolutely perfect the way it is, no excess of perfection. Just, content. Amazing. Perfect.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I haven't felt this way ever, ever in my whole life. We spent the entire night just looking at each other and talking and just breathing each other in. I have felt love before, but I feel like this is more.
This is truly redefining any idea I had about love, and leaping far and beyond what I ever expected.
Everything just feels right. And natural. And perfect, but more than that. It just literally feels like I fell into place. Like, suddenly I am completed. Like this big puzzle piece was pushed into my heart and clicked into place.
It doesn't matter how crazy people think I am. It doesn't mean a thing. I don't care. It weirds me out too that I've only known you a month and already I'm feeling this strongly, but I'm not running away from it. I'm running towards it, we're running together. It's just, dskfjslkfs. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, we know.
You take care of me, you look me in the eyes and melt my soul with just one look. The way you look at me says it all. You can tell me how you feel and what you promise but your eyes speak for you - they prove you're genuine. I cannot get enough of you, I want to go everywhere with you and take you everywhere with me.
And the best part is, you feel the same way. We're on the same page. Exactly.
I think it's safe to say this is the start of something big.
"This is what it's supposed to feel like".
Thursday, May 21, 2009
We talk for hours. We don't even have to say anything but its understood. You already finish my sentences. You are spontaneous and want to take me places and show me things and surprise me and care for me. You want to know me. You appreciate knowing me and the process of it. Everything I feel inside I don't say right away, you say first and make it okay for me to say back.
You have your head on straight, you know what you want but also don't - just like me. You and I have an insane amount in common and it makes me wild. I am so anxious to finally be with you, for the surprises you have planned, for just laying there and talking to you face to face.
Yosemite, East coast, Texas, Beach day, Giants game, Disneyland, you already want me to meet your mom when she comes. I want you to come win over mine so she'll make you the steak dinner I can't make :)
I'm constantly listening to cheesy lovesongs and I walk around with a stupid grin on my face. I have not felt this way in so long. With you, there are no "buts". There are no, well he's great "but...". I am crazy about you and I cannot wait to see where this goes. It literally makes me so anxious I can't even handle it.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I do get emotions attached too easily to people so far away, I need to stop doing that. And as content as I am being where I am, I can't say I don't still think about you almost every day and miss you.
I still wonder if I should give it a chance. But I'm not going to vocalize how I'm doing thinking that one over until I'm sure of it. God knows you'd hate me for it.
Who knows if you'd even care to hear it anymore.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I just looked up apartments in Vancouver.
This is redefining every idea of a relationship and how it's supposed to go. I never really believed in love at first sight or whatever, and I certainly don't think this is the case but I feel so incredibly drawn to you. And you make me so happy, happier than I've been in a long, long time.
It scares the shit out of me.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Here I am with nothing showing.
And all I want, yes it is all I wanted- it's us
I lost my chance maybe a month ago.
I waited long but I got to thinking
I waste my time because I'm always thinking I'm wrong.
And it's tough being alone when you're naive
And you just want to believe everything everyone says.
Oh, it would be great if I could just deal with it.
I'm packing up almost everything,
I'm moving out and starting over.
And all I want, maybe it's all I want, is love.
If that was it, then it would all be great,
But I can't walk without feeling lost.
And I don't know, I'm thinking it's all I know is us.
And it's tough being alone when you're naive.
And you just want to believe everything everyone says.
oh, it would be great if I could just deal...
And it's tough being alone when you're naive.
And you just want to believe everything and everyone.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'm trying not to throw a fit when I don't get what I want, when you leave me to protect yourself, when he gets drunk and fucks her again.
I have wasted so much time this year sitting and letting this longing for love overtake me. In turn, I have been a bad friend, a bad student, and a bad employee on the days where things get rough.
I know I'm entitled to be upset, and I'm not saying I regret anything I went through. But I feel stronger. I'm trying to be strong, to be mature, to learn that in life, things are never perfect. I'm learning every day to appreciate the time I have alone and with friends.
But in this, I have been reflecting, a lot. I'm still not sure how to deal with you. And it saddens me, a lot. I don't know how long I can keep away from you, but I will. Because truthfully, I'm always going to be drawn to you. And for no good reason, really. It's not like we were together, or that I ever treated you the way I should have. But I was driving the other day, and burst out laughing thinking of our first night together. I remembered you and I running around and speaking in British accents, piggy back rides, McDonald's Run, me spitting the pickle in your face, our first kiss. And that night that I swear was straight out of a movie.
I don't know, but all I know is it is right for this distance and this separation. And I'm sorry I resisted it. Maybe it's taking me losing you to realize how much I do care about you. Maybe it's me wanting what I can't have. All I know, is I'm learning through this.
I haven't forgotten you, and I don't intend on losing you. I hope you feel the same.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
You don't love me. You only love the idea of me. You have no idea who I am. I'm sick of false love. I'm sick of people telling me they care about me then just walking all over me, like my feelings don't matter. You say you care, yet you let shit like this happen.
I just need to be alone, I guess. I've been saying the same thing for a year now and somehow it isn't getting any easier. Listening to Mae reminds me of who I really am, or maybe just who I once was.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
like, i was really glad you apologized and then stacey told me you went to disney with her the next day? and i know it isnt like you guys are going by yourselves and i sound like a psycho but.. idk. i just feel stupid when shit like that happens because i care about you and i thought you cared too, and thursday night sincerely hurt me and seriously confused me.
i never really let guys in, i have been through a lot and idk. missing you over break made me realize that i wanted to open myself up a little more to you and give it more of a chance because you are an actual guy who seems to give a shit. and then i got so pumped up to see you and then i walked into that party and my heart sunk.
i dont know. i'm not your girlfriend so i'm not going to say choose me or her. but i just want to tell you that i'm not going to be okay with knowing that i'm one of the two options you have and i am not going to fight or be some competitive person because i dont think thats neccessary. i shouldn't have to compete. if you want to keep things the way they were with you and me, you cant be running to her afterward and then coming back to me expecting me to act like nothing happened and like it doesn't effect me. i can try to be your friend, but i won't let you hurt me like that again. i let it happen too many times with other guys, and i can't go through that again. i owe myself that respect.
so, if you decide you like the way things are with you and me, i'll be here. but please don't expect me to be okay with you going off with some other girl. meaning, don't do it. draw lines with her. i care about you a lot and i value you in my life, otherwise i would have told you to fuck off a long time ago lol if you really like this girl or whatever, then i'm happy for you if you're happy. i'll be your friend, but it wont be the same. and i'll draw lines with you.
and it sucks to do that, because i really do like you.. but i have to look out for myself. i deserve more respect than you've been giving me.
sorryyyy this is like a novel, i just needed to get it out... i hope i dont sound like a crazy bitch, because I'm really not trying to be."
sent to Robbie Keating at 2:14 AM
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Maybe this is yet another lesson I have to learn? But shit, how many do I have to learn until I'm happy like I was again? Who knows.
Bike riding on the beach, meals along the coast, records, snuggle tigers, and really bad reality tv. The worst part is, I could say "I could get used to this" but the truth is, I AM used to this. And I don't want it to end yet.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Yet I am content. A year has passed and I barely noticed. A new year has turned over and I couldn't be more grateful. I am so incredibly thankful for every person in my life right now. It's so weird being home and not really having anyone anymore. Granted, I have Mely and the few people from high school that still bother to keep in touch and of course Alex and Jelena..but I don't know. Donnie was supposed to go to Sweden for most of January, and he didn't end up going. Yet I feel like he might as well have. It bothers me, but not in the way I expect it to. It bothers me that he can't keep a friendship with me even. That I have to be the one to push things to hang out. Regardless of what we are or aren't, I value having him in my life. And he's basically let me know he would rather not be a part of it by slipping off the radar. Maybe that's selfish of me because I know this month has to be hard on him, but I don't know. I don't think it's too unreasonable. I'm seriously considering returning his Christmas gift.
New years was the start of a whole new something for me - Andy. He's someone I've always been drawn to - I think he reminds me slightly of Eric yet they are nothing alike. He's a genuinely good guy, and its obvious. He doesn't take shit and he pretty much speaks what he thinks. He fits .. all of my qualifications. Except for the distance thing. And one other thing, but I'm not so sure it matters anymore. I'm really trying to not jump the gun at all with this one - I tend to do that. But I've seen him twice since New Years and plan on seeing him as much as I can before I leave. The great thing is that he makes feeble attempts at giving us things to do, but I really could care less. Last night we watched Muppets From Space and argued over character names. The time before we played beer pong for like two hours. I'm continually surprised by how comfortable I am with him, and how happy I am doing nothing at all when he's around. We talked about awkward boys and he told me he thinks he's awkward, but I set him straight. I said that's part of the reason he's always stood out to me. He has two sisters, takes his cousins to Disneyland, and burrows in his sleep. He asked about my past - I was really caught off guard. Who cares to ask? I always end up just babbling. I don't know. I really don't. I hate that I jump to the future with every guy I have anything with. Nasty habit coming out of a serious relationship. But...who knows. Summer isn't really that far, and I'll be back a few times before then. And summer is really long. And there's an 80% chance I'll be in SF fall of '10. But those are just ideas I toy with. Hopeful wishes. I really like him and I really want something consistent. But I'm not too sure these two coincide.
Then again, who knows? All I know is life is too short. And I haven't felt like this in a long time. It's not just one sided, for once. He seeks me out, and I'm so not used to it. I'm realizing my walls, my limitations. Moreso now that I have to think about letting someone in.
Here I go again, jumping ahead. But sometimes you just can't help yourself.