Bullshit

I will not stand for it. Any of it. So don't try to play it like I'm some idiot. You're a fucking asshole. Both of you, actually. Haha.

Patience

I don't knowwwww. I have such incredibly high standards. And I'm afraid to compromise even something little. 

I just want to run into someone who will sweep me off my feet. I want that movie-like experience of falling in love with someone completely unexpected but who is just completely perfect in my eyes. 

I don't want to knock down someone else's walls, I want someone strong who will come knock down mine. I've recently realized that I can't handle constantly trying to get people to open up to me if they have issues with it. And maybe thats hypocritical? But I have issues with letting down my own walls, how am I ever going to do that when all I'm focused on is getting a guy to tell me what he's thinking or how he feels? 

My chest feels tight. Like I'm locked away and closed in. I know I am. I just want someone who will grab both my arms and extend them outward with a smile on his face at what is released. Someone who will catch me when I collapse from the exertion and kiss my forehead. Someone who will tell me that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am perfect the way I am. 

I want someone to fight for me. I'm sick of fighting for everyone else.

I'm so worn out. I'm so tired. I feel like my heart is buried underground and I'm not sure what to do once it starts resurfacing. I just want that relationship, so. fucking. bad. I don't want to say well  "I like him, but.." I don't want there to be any "buts". I want to say I like him, and I can see myself falling in love with him. Or I love him, he's exactly what I've been waiting for. 

I'm not a very patient person.

Am I

fooling myself? that desperate? being horrible?

or, 

is it real? 

All I know is as great as my weekend was, once I saw him drive away all I could think about was that I wasn't as comfortable as I would have been with you.

But who knows if that's even true because you scare the fucking shit out of me.

Maybe it was better when you stepped out, I feel like I'm only going to make this worse.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let go again. I am this wall of a person and lately I've been feeling pretty trapped inside.

Standards

Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high. Maybe I'm ridiculous to think I deserve someone overwhelmingly attractive (as shallow as that is), with an amazing intellect and taste. 

There's this couple who are in the piece I've been rehearsing for who are just so cute. And so into each other. And so just, ugh. I want that. I miss that. I misssss it so fucking much. And especially in times where I'm so stressed and all I want is to unwind. All I want is some other outside source of hope to keep me driving through.

Then again, I have it. I have my friends, I have that closeness and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. 

But I can't deny missing it. I can't deny that something about this time of year makes me miss it more. I have so many issues, I don't want to settle for anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be happy without the distance, without the priority problems, without the other girls, without feeling used.  I know I do. I have so much love to give and I am just bursting waiting for someone to pour it into.

But then I think, what if this guy I seem to be waiting for doesn't exist...? 

Andy's coming this weekend and although I'm excited, I don't know. I'm afraid it will be either too good or not good enough and I don't think I can handle either situation right now. 

I need you so much closer..

Familiarity

I miss it so much. I miss familiar touch, intimacy. Shared breaths, brushing lips together but not kissing. I miss talking without speaking.

I miss loving someone so completely it almost hurts.

I'm sorry

I couldn't do it. I'm sorry because you make me realize what I deserve. I'm sorry because I turn my head to you because it scares me. 

I'm sorry I can't love you the way you love me, and it kills me.

I just wanted you to know.

Well, one problem addressed.

"hey listen i hate to get all serious or whatever on you but.. i need to get this off my chest. i want you in my life as my friend at the very least and i dont think i can do that if anything like whats been happening keeps happening. and i dont want to keep you from doing whatever you want with that girl you met, but i cant handle you going back and forth between us.

like, i was really glad you apologized and then stacey told me you went to disney with her the next day? and i know it isnt like you guys are going by yourselves and i sound like a psycho but.. idk. i just feel stupid when shit like that happens because i care about you and i thought you cared too, and thursday night sincerely hurt me and seriously confused me.

i never really let guys in, i have been through a lot and idk. missing you over break made me realize that i wanted to open myself up a little more to you and give it more of a chance because you are an actual guy who seems to give a shit. and then i got so pumped up to see you and then i walked into that party and my heart sunk.

i dont know. i'm not your girlfriend so i'm not going to say choose me or her. but i just want to tell you that i'm not going to be okay with knowing that i'm one of the two options you have and i am not going to fight or be some competitive person because i dont think thats neccessary. i shouldn't have to compete. if you want to keep things the way they were with you and me, you cant be running to her afterward and then coming back to me expecting me to act like nothing happened and like it doesn't effect me. i can try to be your friend, but i won't let you hurt me like that again. i let it happen too many times with other guys, and i can't go through that again. i owe myself that respect.

so, if you decide you like the way things are with you and me, i'll be here. but please don't expect me to be okay with you going off with some other girl. meaning, don't do it. draw lines with her. i care about you a lot and i value you in my life, otherwise i would have told you to fuck off a long time ago lol if you really like this girl or whatever, then i'm happy for you if you're happy. i'll be your friend, but it wont be the same. and i'll draw lines with you.
and it sucks to do that, because i really do like you.. but i have to look out for myself. i deserve more respect than you've been giving me.

sorryyyy this is like a novel, i just needed to get it out... i hope i dont sound like a crazy bitch, because I'm really not trying to be."

sent to Robbie Keating at 2:14 AM

To do:

- raise $300 for Y&G sustaining campaign

- print out research for the bill

- email my kids

- make green bracelets

 

- buy candy

- write two thesis statements and turn them in online/give them to marco before wednesday at 2:30

- transcribe for evelyn by wednesday

 - talk to lissa about not being able to attend rehearsal sunday

- math homework?

- skull pictures/drawings for makeup

- buy eyebrow pencil sharpener etc. for makeup 

- pack/arrange outfits for sac

all in the next two days. fml.

The cure makes me smile. Bob Dylan, modest mouse. Katy Perry. You singing along sheepishly as we both drifted into dreams. Elton John. Jimi Hendrix. Beer pong and me kicking your ass at it.. then ending up ridiculously drunk because you made us play again with recycled beer. Abandoning the beer for the rooftop, leaning back and naming the few stars we knew. You called me lovely as I climbed through the window. I've always been fond of little nick names, little compliments. Biking in the dark by the beach and racing, laughing - singing. Breaking off from the group and leaning against the wall watching the bonfires. I settled in so comfortably beneath your shoulder. I remember just feeling absolutely content. Walking to breakfast, sitting on the beach and watching the little naked boy and the bros play football. Betting on how long the surfers would stand up to the biggest waves. Laughing at "dru" , your shitty car, uno, the neighbors. 

I don't know about you but I hope that one day you will understand my sarcasm and I will understand yours. We both have issues communicating through them because we can never tell when each other is serious. 

I truly can't wait til you come to visit. I'm hoping you'll have enough money to go to Disney.. if not, I'll have to show you some place cool around here. (Is there any place cool around here?) Something about you softens me. It calms me down and grounds me. 

Or maybe I just want this feeling so badly that I'm pushing it on you ? I don't really think so. I get along with you so well, but there is a level of caution in our relationship - on both our parts. Maybe that's why our communication gets so off. 

Who knows. My friend Chelsea was talking about how you never really get over someone until you have someone new to replace them - but how she wasn't exactly sure she believed that. Then she said she met her current boyfriend and she realized how much she had been settling and missing out on. I just want to have that realization.. that epiphany that this is the person I've been waiting for.

And I am trying so hard to be patient. But what I felt and had with Andy those 3 weeks seemed more comfortable and genuine than I ever could have asked for. If nothing comes of it, at least I know that I'm capable of feeling something remotely close to what I used to again.

dlsjfsldjf;ldfjsl;jfdlj Why can't I just be with people who make me happy? Why do I hurt everyone good and let the assholes hurt me?

I feel cheap. I got upset, hypocritically yes, but I shouldn't have given up so easily. Now you seem to gloat to other people and it makes me feel idiotic. You don't deserve that kind of power, I don't deserve to be shoved off into the corner.

On a much happier note, Andy is coming to visit in three weeks :) And then I'll see him again in April... but he seems anxious to see me more. He wanted to know when summer started for me. He keeps sending me little texts like "so you need to move here now". I like that idea. I like the idea of him and I more than I've liked any idea of me with anyone for a long time.

But again, do I really want to put myself through that? I don't know. All I know is I will be a very happy girl when he arrives. And I fucking hope Robbie is here and feels just as shitty as I did. Even worse, maybe. Because I actually care about Andy.

I'm really looking forward to this month. LEEANNA IS COMING TO VISIT THIS WEEKEND, next weekend is Sacramento, weekend after that Andy is coming, then Danny is the week after that. :) Yaaaaaaaaaaay! 

I shouldn't care. I didn't really, now that I think about it. I like you, but the chemistry is dry. But don't pump me up about seeing you just so I can walk into a party and see you with someone else.

I just don't know anymore. I give up.