Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Being home is really nice. Being home and remembering I'm the only single one in the family... not so nice. My brother is proposing to his girlfriend soon, so I'll be the official 7th wheel of the miller fam. The holidays make me long for commitment, just like the summer makes me long for bouncing around with boys.

I want to stand still, I want I want I want. I'm beginning to think maybe I'm too high maintenance? Or something? Like, am I crazy? I just hate that oh we're in college means oh, lets not commit. Just because we're in college means we can't commit because who commits in college? I hate college guys. I thought I'd love them but all they want is ass. I want someone who wants more than my ass. I am so so picky. I just think something is wrong with me, there must be. I'm crazy.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I want consistency for christmas.. please? I'm not sure what or I guess who I should say, I want. Being home with Donnie isn't as great as I anticipated. I just don't understand how his mind works. Back to same old habits from him.

I just want something fresh and new and perfect that will sweep me off my feet. Is that too much to ask? I've been ready for a while now.

Monday, November 17, 2008

For the record

So I just got your text, and good thing because I was just going off on how you have no idea what my college life has been like. Haha but I'm not upset and I'm glad you clarified.

You are right though, I'll own up to the fact that I have gotten caught up with boys. I guess going to college I just assumed I would meet someone and be as happy with someone else as you are. And I've really yet to meet that person. I've been happy, I've gone out and dated a few guys since I've moved here but for the past month I've been going through just little things that make me really miss having someone who understands me. In other words, you. And I say that with no intentions, I'm just being honest. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, either. Because I've gotten the kisses and the romance from other guys but its just not the same when they don't know or care to know me. And being in college where people know me but don't really know me and when things go wrong - I miss having you around to talk to. I've been a stupid girl and bounced around because I realize almost instantly how rare it is to find a guy like you and I'm not going to settle for anything less.

So, in turn, with you being unapproachable in my eyes because I feel constantly like I'm just going to interfere or cause problems with Alanna if I want to talk to you even as friends, and me having issues of my own here and when I feel like crap, I go out and I party and I meet guys. I find other things to focus on other than you, and I have done that practically ever since you and I broke up. And I am happy with that because I've finally come to a place where I am over you and I am happy for where you are in your life and with Alanna. And I'm finally in a place where I know what I want from a guy and I've calmed down from that ahh I'm in college I need to date around and have fun phase. So, I'll give you some credit because yeah, you're right. You know me well enough to know that.. but its something I'm still struggling with.

I guess I get what you're saying about the whole ex girlfriend thing, but I guess its just hard for me to just be okay with it. After three years, its not that easy to just be okay with you refusing to say goodbye to me before I move away for college. I really haven't gotten over that, it really hurt my feelings. And I truly do understand how Alanna feels, I was in her place when Lina wanted so badly to be in your life or whatever still. But I eventually messaged Lina and told her that I wanted you guys to be friends and us all to be okay because I could see how it effected you. And though I don't expect Alanna to do that at all, it just makes it that much more difficult for me to just be okay with it all. Do you see what I mean? I don't understand how after three years its that easy for you to just disregard my feelings because of a girl you've been dating for a little over 6 months. I respect your relationship so much with Alanna but I feel like she doesn't respect my friendship with you. I'm not asking to see you every time I'm in town, I'm not asking to see you at all. I just don't want to feel like I'm forbidden from being an honest friend with you, because lately I've felt that way.

I'm sorry that I wrote you a novel. I just really have had a lot I've meant to say to you and this is the first time I've felt comfortable enough to let this all out. Just know that I mean this in a completely platonic way, and I'm not saying any of this with any expectations.

I'm actually really glad that I got this out, I already feel so much better and I already feel so much more settled with the situation. Thank you for understanding and listening and still caring and not erasing me from your life haha.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: reric
Date: Nov 13, 2008 12:56 PM

Lora, First and foremost, I am sorry about the pictures you found on my tumblr. You are right, that is wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Now, whether or not you are with nathan or not I have seen plenty of things that have showed me what college is like for you. I know how you are with boys and honestly what has happened to you? What happened to this independent girl that doesn't need a stupid fucking boy? You post stuff and I believe it. "did you get laid?" "no but I wish!" wow. From what I've seen for years that's not you.

Alanna is not comfortable with me seeing you. I'm not going to cause problems with her because of my "x gf" because that's what you are to her and my other friends. I'm not ok with her even talking with her xs very much let alone seeing any if them. I think that's very understandable.

I am okay with us and if I feel uncomfortable about something, I change. I make it work and I think you should do that to. You won't see my stupid bulletins or any of that and I'm sure it will help. I'm happy, and if I ever start to forget that, I fix it.
------------ Original Message ------------
I'm not dating nathan. And do you think I enjoy reading bullitens about alanna and seeing her all over your page the way I used to be? Or when I stumble upon your tumblr because I clicked on a picture on your myspace of the two of you and you post pictures of you when you were looking straight at me through the camera and post "I love you alanna" under it? or when you posts pictures that i look at and immediately memories of you and i together through hard shit comes to mind but yet you're posting them to her like it was no big deal? or "so stoned" when you were at my house laying there when in reality, that was when i was moving and it was one of the hardest times of my life? but i face it and have accepted that this is the way you are and that you are in love with someone else. i'm not in love with anyone, eric. somehow, seeing how much you love your new girlfriend seems to be a lot more painful then my stupid surveys. but its your call.

i'm sorry that my bullitens bother you or whatever else. i used to consider you in writing them but i honestly figured you didnt read them anymore and didnt care. i don't even post bullitens nearly as often as i used to so the fact that you're suddenly not my friend on myspace anymore just floors me. maybe that's stupid and maybe i should just understand, but i've tried to be understanding about a lot. i've tried to understand how you can choose not to give me a measly hour of your time to say goodbye before i moved and i've tried to understand why we can't at least be friends. i've tried to understand why its apparently ridiculous for me to feel this way and i've tried to understand your girlfriend not being able to trust me.

all i want is for you and i to be okay and maybe you think we are but i am so unsettled because i'm constantly being repressed and told how i need to feel about you and how i shouldn't feel. i just feel like i've lost you nearly altogether. and maybe in losing you i've lost a little of myself.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: eric
Date: Nov 13, 2008 11:59 AM

Cool to see you're dating people who used to be my friends. I don't want to see that, so I took the iniative to by deleting it. I don't enjoy reading bulletins about how you had a great morning with nathan or how you had a gret time and partied up all weekend or how you wish you got laid this weekend. I want to rid it all of my eyes. So I deleted you. I still want to be your friend in fact text me whenever, wrcan always talk, but I don't want to see or read that stuff. Which I was I don't read your lj, or your blhspot, of your tumblr, or anything else. I could never ask you to just not post stuff or couldnever ask to not do what you want with your life or with whateer boys or etc, so I'm going to keepmyself from hearing about it. If you think that's stupid then so be it thats your deal, sorry but I think it's right for me.

------------ Original Message ------------
cool to know i'm officially erased from your life.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Long Beach

Despite your insane roommate and all her fiascos, your new place is a dream. Your dollhouse halls with a big ol pool and hot tub that we dove in and out of... floated on our backs and laughed at the crooked palm trees. You picked me up and twirled me around and splashed and then held me close. We spent all day tangled up in each other and breathing each other's air. You have this quiet giggly manner that just makes me laugh. You're so entertained by me, but I'm so enthralled by you.

But, as we were kissing, you had to bring him up. You had to ask.. although I understand your reasoning, it made my heart stop. He isn't allowed in the gates of my mind very often and that is definitely the last place I wanted him when I was there with you. I love being around you because I feel comfortable and I laugh and we actually have good conversation and we're FRIENDS... and you treat me like a princess. But I hate that I see him when I'm with you. I hate that it overshadows a good thing we have going.

I compare everyone to him. No one has even touched the way he made me feel yet. Or maybe I'm not letting them?

Grey's anatomy makes me emotional.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


I posted something in our journal, although I doubt you'll ever read it. It felt nice to get that off my chest.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I'm Sorry I'm Leaving

Your middle finger was clutching my thumb through the park
and over macdougal.
The torches were blazing about our street and just down from the sky.
Casey stepped with Anna off the curb.
His shoes are clogs, did you see?
They dipped in that puddle, the one catching green.
They were tripping up and slipping around,
singing 'Rolalita come out tonight' and oh I wanted to pull you down.
roll on top of me, baby. just roll.
we'll wreck our clothes.
we'll scrape our knees.
we'll taste the scabs.
you, sweet, are worth these next four months
until I bail out and kiss behind your ears, drive off in the van.
oh my god, I think I'm dying in this car seat, where I'll spend through winter.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

"i really feel like shit right now
ive just been going through old photos and old livejournals and photobuckets

we had been together for so long. it hurts so bad to think about it. i love you so much lora i really really do. why does it have to be this way. i hope our futures collide and we can look back at all of this as a test or something idk. im crazy. im thinking way to much. i miss you."

sometimes I just wonder.