Saturday, January 31, 2009

What do I say to you when you drunkenly call me and tell me that you're in love with me and I'm breaking your heart? What am I supposed to do, drop everything and say sure, lets fall in love and open myself to my own degree of heartache? I'm sorry if it's selfish, but I just could never do it. Never again will I be in a relationship like that where I hardly see you and where I have that constant ache. Our relationship would never be at its full potential. 

And to be completely honest, I like you a lot. But I don't think that I love you. And it scares me how much you care for me. I feel like if we ever were together, I would never like you as much as you liked me. And I won't put you through that.

But don't sit there and beat yourself up. Don't you dare say that you're wasting my time. As for your time, I'm not so sure - you are the only one who can determine whether or not it's being wasted. Don't you dare assume how I feel without asking. Do not say "well you know how I feel and you know what I mean". Because I am never really sure until you tell me. I'm a straight-forward, no bullshit person. So do me the favor and tell me it straight up. I'm not going to think any less of you. 

And when I say yes, I wanna talk to you. Yes, I'll call you back. I fucking mean it. Don't apologize and say oh we can talk another night and act like I don't want to talk to you.

Just saying.

I just wonder if I've become this hard rock of a person surrounded by walls and no one will ever be able to come in. What you said to me earlier, made me cry. That I'm the only person you don't feel you need to leave anything out to when you talk to. That meant a lot. I value you in my life, a lot. Regardless of what happens. 

I just wonder. I'm so eager for that feeling again, and hearing those words come out of your mouth - I froze. What do I say to you? Why is this happening to me? I can never be with the people who make me happy. 

I'm strong, sure. But I've got a whole bunch of layers of insecurities built up from the past year that are going to take a while to strengthen.

Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and scream. Who wants to deal with someone like me?

I wonder if I should be bold. But then I remember that its selfish and I step back. 

I just miss that feeling , more than anything. I cling to any trace of it lately.

"The only thing about you I don't like is that you don't like me."

Don't you see that's not the case at all?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I really am ready

And I'm sitting here waiting, like a little girl trying to be patient with her hands in lap. I'll be sneaking glances around the corner.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I can't believe 6 weeks have passed. I don't know when I'll be home again, maybe for spring break? Maybe not. 

I miss Andy already, I have that ache thing going on. Wasn't expecting that. "Don't go back to bitchertonnnn". I saw Donnie today. He hasn't changed at all. Acted like everything was fine, started getting cuddly and saying how he didn't want me to leave - I sat up and it was conveniently time for me to go. Probably should have considered that for the last 3-5 weeks, Donnie. 

I'm feeling homesick and I haven't even left yet. 

But I know once I get to school, and am with my loves, and either drunk or in disney - it will all be far behind me. 

Life is a funny thing, the phases we all go through.. so odd.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Tonight was flawless. We went to walnut creek for bomb chai and went to the movies - we had an hour to kill before it started so you asked if I wanted to go see where your dad used to live. Drove up a huge hill and laughed at my tiny car's weak attempts to climb it. Finally made it to the house after passing it mid-story and almost hitting a skunk. You showed me the pillar your car hit, thanks to no e-break. It was nice hearing you open up and talk about memories I had no idea about.We made our way back and hung out in the movie lobby for a while (because we're that cool). But to be honest, it never mattered. You have your moments, but tonight was completely free of being awkward. From the movie theatre basically to ourselves, to trying really hard to make the DDR machine work, to sitting on the fountain... We went to In N Out and talked more and you talked about your mom and I could just feel the respect radiating from you about what she does. We made it back to your house, looked at yahoo personals and laughed, and watched Tyra. Tonight was the best night with you there, so far. Being quiet didn't matter. It was the first time I was able to open my eyes and be okay - to lock my gaze with someone elses and not look away. 

We dozed off and woke up just around a half hour ago. You had to say goodbye in your sister's old panda filled bedroom , because your law servin' momma was about to get up. It wasn't long enough. I kissed you one last time and stepped out into the rain - I wasn't expecting it but I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I cried. You told me you'd miss me so many times tonight, and it really hasn't hit that I'm leaving technically tomorrow (now that it's 5am). 

Why does this happen to me? Why do I meet these people, have these feelings and in the end, I can't go past a certain point with them ? Who knows what will come of it. But I have had such an amazing time this break with Andy, and I laughed so hard with him. That feeling alone was worth it all. 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

It's about love
It's about compassion
It's about kindness and faith
It has nothing to do with luck
You get what you give
So give good.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I have come to find that I'd almost rather be alone than waste my time with pointless boys now. It's weird but refreshing.

I have stretch marks on my hips, thank you freshman 15.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

New Years Resolutions

- be healthier
* go to the gym 3x a week (remember our pact K,K,E)
* lay off the double doubles & spread :x
* drink WAY more water
* keep my room cleaner so I'm not living in a pot of germs

- be greener
* buy a cool water bottle instead of buying individual ones
* really commit to recycling bottles/cans in fullerton (anyone up for making a bi-monthly recycle run date?)
* use less water
* drive less, bike even more
* spend the extra money to get the recycled whatever it is

- be more responsible
* try to keep from procrastinating
* manage my money better
* be more on top of my school work
* drink/party less

- listen more, talk less

- do not settle 
* no meaningless sex

- read a book at least once every month

- read the news
* keep up with politics 

- save money
* $30 to girl fund for a future trip
* $100 when I get a big pay check for emergencies

- complain less, gossip less
* once I start complaining, take the initiative to flip it around and start appreciating
* in the midst of gossip, try to flip it around and say good things about the person

- be even happier than I am now with being alone/single

- inspire my forum kids
* give them a kick ass time in sacramento
* personalize a card for each of them

- be more patient
* give people the benefit of the doubt
* try to see things from another perspective

- write/record a song

I really hope I keep to these. I'm going to do my besttt.
"You know I miss you. But I don’t want to miss you if it’s not mutual. I think about you everyday and I’m scared I don’t even cross your mind"

I could say this about several people.
It's getting to the point where I've spent pretty much all my free time with Andy since January 1. Two weeks. And its gotten to the point where I slide into bed with him and snuggle up beside him - I feel like he's something that's sticking around. Then I remember.

Maybe this is yet another lesson I have to learn? But shit, how many do I have to learn until I'm happy like I was again? Who knows.

Bike riding on the beach, meals along the coast, records, snuggle tigers, and really bad reality tv. The worst part is, I could say "I could get used to this" but the truth is, I AM used to this. And I don't want it to end yet.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Meet Me in Montauk

I just watched Eternal Sunshine for the first time in foreverr. It really made me sit back and think. Eric's cousin has been telling me some weird things lately. Not bad necessarily, but things that definitely mess with my head.

Yet I am content. A year has passed and I barely noticed. A new year has turned over and I couldn't be more grateful. I am so incredibly thankful for every person in my life right now. It's so weird being home and not really having anyone anymore. Granted, I have Mely and the few people from high school that still bother to keep in touch and of course Alex and Jelena..but I don't know. Donnie was supposed to go to Sweden for most of January, and he didn't end up going. Yet I feel like he might as well have. It bothers me, but not in the way I expect it to. It bothers me that he can't keep a friendship with me even. That I have to be the one to push things to hang out. Regardless of what we are or aren't, I value having him in my life. And he's basically let me know he would rather not be a part of it by slipping off the radar. Maybe that's selfish of me because I know this month has to be hard on him, but I don't know. I don't think it's too unreasonable. I'm seriously considering returning his Christmas gift.

New years was the start of a whole new something for me - Andy. He's someone I've always been drawn to - I think he reminds me slightly of Eric yet they are nothing alike. He's a genuinely good guy, and its obvious. He doesn't take shit and he pretty much speaks what he thinks. He fits .. all of my qualifications. Except for the distance thing. And one other thing, but I'm not so sure it matters anymore. I'm really trying to not jump the gun at all with this one - I tend to do that. But I've seen him twice since New Years and plan on seeing him as much as I can before I leave. The great thing is that he makes feeble attempts at giving us things to do, but I really could care less. Last night we watched Muppets From Space and argued over character names. The time before we played beer pong for like two hours. I'm continually surprised by how comfortable I am with him, and how happy I am doing nothing at all when he's around. We talked about awkward boys and he told me he thinks he's awkward, but I set him straight. I said that's part of the reason he's always stood out to me. He has two sisters, takes his cousins to Disneyland, and burrows in his sleep. He asked about my past - I was really caught off guard. Who cares to ask? I always end up just babbling. I don't know. I really don't. I hate that I jump to the future with every guy I have anything with. Nasty habit coming out of a serious relationship. But...who knows. Summer isn't really that far, and I'll be back a few times before then. And summer is really long. And there's an 80% chance I'll be in SF fall of '10. But those are just ideas I toy with. Hopeful wishes. I really like him and I really want something consistent. But I'm not too sure these two coincide.

Then again, who knows? All I know is life is too short. And I haven't felt like this in a long time. It's not just one sided, for once. He seeks me out, and I'm so not used to it. I'm realizing my walls, my limitations. Moreso now that I have to think about letting someone in.

Here I go again, jumping ahead. But sometimes you just can't help yourself.