2008

This has been a long and eventful year - I graduated, my sister got married, I started college. I lost a lot of friends but gained more. I'm going to write and reflect - forgive the length, I'm doing this for my own good more than anyone elses.

January, started the year out single and drunk. Didn't have a new years kiss from a boy, instead a threesome kiss with some girls from Y&G. That's the way it should have been. Fell asleep under the Ryerson's Christmas tree and woke up thoroughly confused as to how I got there. Besides new years, I was still battling a broken heart this month and my Pop-Pop's health continued to downhill. He died early January, and his funeral ironically fell on my would-be 3 year anniversary with Eric. I thought it would be the worst day of my life, but it was actually a good one. Lots of family time, and much better than if I had been left with my thoughts alone on that day. I went to BOB 2 with Y&G and had an awesome time being introduced to the media program. I broke code kissing Austin behind a barrack, how eventful haha

February, I went to the Lenea One Act Play Festival at Sacramento State and our play won bronze. I got Best Actress in our category. It was a huge surprise and was a big deciding factor in my major. The play opened at Cal High and went well. I went to Sacramento for Y&G and had the time of my life. Media was amazing, I spent so much time with Tess laying around in hotel rooms and just loving the program so much. I spent Valentine's Day with her on a sushi date in downtown Sac, and couldn't have asked for a better day. Austin ignored me and I told him off :) I had so much fun with my delegation (handicap doorbell especially) and wouldn't trade those 5 days for anything.

March, I started to heal but was hurt again by a close friend with a crazy almost-girlfriend. I visited Tess in the city and that remedied it all. I changed my passwords on all my accounts, closing the door. I went to Ashland with Drama Club and saw three amazing productions - Fences, Clay Cart, and Midsummer Night's Dream. I had an amazing time bonding with Candace and Viv, not to mention Neema and Andres. And Woodsie! It snowed for a brief amount of time and I fell more in love with theatre. I had met Brett at this point, and was convinced he was going to be my next boyfriend. We went on a few dates, then I left for Washington DC with Chamber. I had an amaaaazing time with Tara and Simone, roaming around the Smithsonians and seeing all the sights. Singing every place we went and bonding. We saw the beginnings of cherry blossoms and continually appreciated each other's company. Tara and I bonded with two girls we never expected to. I asked Brett to ball when I got back (in a completely adorable way I might add). I became closer with Cameron and Megan, and did a photoshoot in the city.

April, I spent a lot of time with Brett and slowly began to realize he was just a rebound. I had some good times with him, though - Lindy at Sproul and Donnie's party (ironic?). I went and visited Fullerton with my parents, it was really nice to see where I would be living and going to school. Spending time with Keith and Kim was really good, too. My birthday was fun, I got pampered for senior ball and had a great time dancing with all of my friends. Cameron got drunk with us for the first time that night, and I had a great time just hanging out with close friends. Senior ditch day was awesome, we all went to Berkeley and shopped. San Ramon Wars began and I got Nate! My one and only victim. I felt like a champ. I ended the month finding out about Eric's new girlfriend, and I was actually somewhat okay with it.

May, I started my crush on Donnie. We went to Minus the Bear together and talked the whole way there and back. We all went to Coit Tower after and it was a really really good night. I spent the majority of my nights with Donnie, Andrew, Kate, and Phil. Donnie and I kissed for the first time, and thus began the weird relationship we would develop. I genuinely liked him, and it was a refreshing change. Leeanna came to visit and we got drunk at Andrew's, polaroids galore. I ended the night sleeping in Bailey's bed with Donnie, completely content. I spent the majority of May up late hanging out with Donnie in one way or another. We adventured to Pop Scene one Thursday and I just remember feeling so elated, wearing his shirt and leaning against his shoulder while we sat on a wall looking over the ocean. I went to my first party at the boy's in Dublin and met Jelena, not knowing the profound effect these people would have on me for the next year of my life. I performed in my last play at Cal High and our play won the festival, (even though we probably did the least amount of work). I won an award of some kind. I just had a blast being a badass hunter woman haha. I ended my month going to Gilroy and running into Eric for the first time. That was the only time I've seen him since we've been officially over.

June, I graduated. Graduation was a very bittersweet day - I got into a HUGE argument with Eric and finding out about Matt's accident, but couldn't have been happier to walk across that stage and leave him far behind. I sang one last time with Chamber at the beginning of the ceremony, and managed to not trip walking across the turf. It was a very surreal feeling, but also a really amazing one. I had a great Grad party and got thrown into the pool by my siblings. I ended the night drinking champagne with my family. Things started to get a little weird with Donnie, and I started spending some time with Joe Pearce. I partied a ton and spent a lot of time with Leeanna in Gilroy at her janky little apartment and going to Giant's games.

July, was started out on the 4th being the drunkest I think I've ever been (12 shots, 2 or so beers). I had a really good time, despite my 2 hour meltdown and first real argument with Donnie. I met Urosh, who truly put a lot in perspective for me. Alex took care of me and our close friendship really blossomed. But dancing and galavanting around Lauren's freaking mansion was like a dream. I went on a date with Urosh to see Wall-E and it was probably the best one I've ever been on. I finally got my housing packet for University Village and therefore had an official move-out date. I saw Coldplay with Jelena and Justin and practically died with ecstasy. I ended the month with Taryn's golden birthday party, and drank a ton of champagne, then headed down to San Diego for my sister's wedding!

August, was a month of big change. My sister got married August 1, and in the week I was in San Diego I went jet skiing and was drunk almost every night. Every single day there was one to remember - staying with Danny was so fun. My sister's wedding was beautiful and I wept like a little girl. I circled danced to "We Are Family" with a bunch of my extended family and my brother-in-law's family, it was a lot of fun. Had a game night with the girls, stayed up til 5 drinking with Donnie and his friends/watching the olympics and then woke up at 8 to go to my dad's company picnic the next day. Fought with Eric about goodbyes, got a half-assed phone call and then spent my last few days with Donnie. He took me to the park and finally introduced me to all his really close friends, and took me out to 3 Bros. Treated me like I was his girlfriend. The night before I moved, he gave me a book and a Fleet Foxes CD, and we sat in my car in my driveway for 3 hours trying to get up the courage to leave. I cried, and then he cried. I will treasure those moments forever. Saying goodbye to other people, packing up my whole room miraculously, and getting into my car to go off to college were moments in my life that still feel surreal. I arrived in So Cal with no problems, and had a good time driving with my mom. I moved in to University Village and had my first crazy night at college, got ridiculously trashed with my favorite people. School started and I was thrown right into performances, and I began falling in love with my program.

September, I bought a mint green beach cruiser, auditioned for my first college production and got two call backs, and drunkenly fell into Mike. He came over and made me a bomb ass dinner, and then drifted in and out of my life from then on. I went and saw Nathan for the first time and it was just what I needed. He made me an amazing pasta dinner and then homemade chai after, then fixed my flat tire. I went to Santa Barbara with Katharine and saw Jason Mraz, got drunk and laughed my ass off at Caitlins, ending my night asleep on a dog bed. I did a photo shoot then got sushi with Mj. I went on a real date with Mike, and almost witnessed a fight at Disneyland. Met Robbie, started that saga. Learned to love his sweaty hands and drunken nights with Stacey. Threw up my entire life, but Robbie took care of me (sobbed for Katharine on the toilet and was convinced I was dying.) Recovered the whole next day in the infirmary which our room became. Megan and I threw an epic cocktail party, and I made rice croquettes for everyone! September went out with our first rain at Fullerton, though it didn't last long - it thundered.

October,I came home for the first time for Lovefest! I met Lora for the first time and bonded on the way up with her and Nathan. Came home to rice croquettes and hugs from momma. Spent the night with Ali V and Donnie. The next day I made it to SF finally after nearly being assaulted on bart and taking the wrong bus, and spent 3 hours at Kenny's alone. We made our way over to lovefest and I had a great time hanging out with my old Y&G buddies. I did a whip-it for the first time and tripped balls. Back to Fullerton, I spent lots of time with Katharine Robby and Scott, went to a highlighter party and got acid in my eye, and started going to the gym regularly. Went to the Smell and wandered around downtown LA with Robbie at night, met Ricky the Pirate and realized my love for sky vodka. Gave my number to a complete gorgeous stranger on campus. Went to the intern retreat, bonded with my new family and got psyched up for Y&G! Girls night in began, went to Chapman for the first time after doing a photoshoot for Reuben. Ended October in Santa Barbara for Halloween with Jelena and Danny and Donnie. Dramatic but a ton of fun, I was Wendy from Peter Pan !

November, I came home from SB and had a family sleepover with Robby Scott and Katharine. We fell asleep watching Singing in the Rain. We went to Jack in the Box at 2am and just had fun laughing. Scott introduced me to Winco, I saw Pilots Wife in Long Beach with Dylan and Katharine, learned how to tie a bow tie. I VOTED for Obama and No on Prop 8. At least one of those came out on top. Nursed Katharine back to life from Strep, gave my campus testimony for cal high chamber, and went off to Bob 1! Had an amazing time interning and encouraging freshman/sophomores to Go Green! and bonding with my friends. Partied in SLO the night before. Spent the night at Nathan's new place, had an amazing day being lazy. This month is when the crazy fires happened, and I split to my brother's for a good nights rest and some pomegranate smirnoff ice. Finally came back to breathe a little cleaner air. Went to a taping of the soup, saw spring awakening and another professional production all in one week! Had a great time on the way back home for Thanksgiving, and spent the week with friends and family. Had a champagne night with the girls, and went to chippy friday and dollar scoop like back in high school. Finally accomplished my goal with Austin, only to have karma kick him in the ass. Made a black friday best buy run, and a decision to be celibate. Took me 9 and 1/2 hours to get back to Fullerton, but I bonded with Viv and Megan in the car.

December, the fog took over Fullerton. Katharine and I died watching American Ideal, and the text-to-speech saga began. I struggled with acting and focusing on school in general, but got it together and my acting professor told me that "I'd get it". Drunken charades, Jen chugging my vodka thinking it was water, puppy stores, and Red Robin with my girlies. Went to Disney with every single person I value from Fullerton and had the time of my life. Stayed up all night doing a costumes project, auditioned and went to see Bloc Party with Will in LA! Lora came and I showed her a good time with my frat boys, complete with beer pong and a ghetto party where we had to pretend to be lesbian to protect ourselves. I threw up my life once more but Lora was quick to pull my hair back. Went to Carlsbad with Tyler and Robby and met up with Rachel and Katharine. Had a lot of fun with my favorites, and raided Tyler's mom's thrift store. Bonding all kinds. Went to Cinespace to watch RB be famous, got drunk, met people from Say Anything and confessed feelings in the rain. Disneyland again, cookie air freshener, snow on main street. Nathan came to visit and took me out for sushi, we went back to Kayln's for cake and apples to apples. Came home for Christmas! Drove the whole way by myself but made it. Saw Kenny. Got sick, worked a tonnnn, went bowling. Made Christmas cookies with my momma and went to the candle lit christmas eve service with her. Had my first Christmas without my siblings around. Joined the Twilight saga and took a bath reading it for 4 days straight. Went to Gilroy to see Danny and Leeanna - went to the comedy club in SJ and saw Michael McDonald. Good best friend bonding.

I ended 2008 sleeping in til 2, going out to eat with my girlfriends for Sarah's birthday, and getting a ride up to Brad's new house. I met my goal of finishing an entire bottle of champagne by myself. Almost made it to downtown for the fireworks, but caught a cab back to the house for noisemakers and midnight kisses instead. Brad kissed me, but I ended my night with Andy... the way I wanted it to be. I had a really good time laughing and rolling around, blasting music and playing with Aaron's camera. Woke up to the new year, walked to the beach, hung out, came home and saw Marley and Me with my parents.



This has been an insaaaane year. But I've loved every single moment of it. I know that I've completely changed throughout this year through all the things I've gone through, and I am still changing, but I love where I'm at right now in life. 2008 was a great year, and I have confidence that 2009 will be even better.

Merry Christmas, Darling

I've been wanting to write a blog about Christmas for a couple days now but I've been swamped with work - I'm literally working every day but New Years Eve/Day this week. But its okay, I love my store up here and I definitely need the money.

Christmas this year was really different, really humbling. My brother and sister were both not there for the actual holiday, and they won't be up until the second weekend in January. My brother went to Connecticut with his new fiance, having an engagement party with all of her family over there and such. My sister spent her first Christmas married with her new husband at home in San Diego. So that left little ol' Lora and the rents (not to mention Moose, he definitely made his presence known) alone for the holidays. I think it was honestly the first Christmas I can remember being without both of my siblings, usually its one or the other. Now not only that, but our family decide that this year we were going to do a secret-santa type gift exchange to save money since everyone was a little short (thanks economy). Meaning, I opened my stocking on Christmas and got a few little things, but nothing big until January. And even then , the gift is meant to be more sentimental than driven from something I actually want. So, it was a little weird, needless to say. Not only did I get practically nothing, but I didn't have the same feel Christmas usually gave me, my sister assuming her second mother role and running her fingers through my hair while helping my mom and hogging the shower - my brother keeping my dad company as the second male and keeping us all laughing (and stinking up the bathroom with his expensive cologne). I woke up instead to jinglebells and my mom singing (not abnormal actually), orange danish and a big bear hug from my dad.

I'm weird about change, I love new things so much but only when the change is in my favor I'm finding haha. This holiday change wasn't really in my favor, so I was a little skeptical as the morning progressed. But I found myself utterly content with the small gifts my mother thoughtfully put together and felt even better watching my parents read the letters and listen to the mix cds I made them (last minute gift.. I figured they were giving me small things so I should too) There's something about thanking someone or appreciating them that I think is not only so important but so gratifying.

As I dozed off to sleep on the couch after breakfast, Christmas music floating around in the background, I had made my mind up about this Christmas - it wasn't so awful after all.

My Grandmom came over for a wonderful ham, potato, green beans, and mandarin salad dinner and after we were all finished, my mom asked her about some of her Christmas memories. She had some good ones, little stories about snow on Christmas, one time when she was sick, and then finally she talked about Christmas her junior year of high school. She was dating my Pop Pop (who passed away last January) then, and she told us this story about how they were walking home from midnight mass and he walked her to her enclosed porch, where her Christmas tree was and gave her her gifts - a hair pin, a tiny bottle of chanel perfume (which was hard to come by in those years) and as he was giving her those gifts he said - "These are gifts for my girlfriend". Then, he got down on one knee and said, "This is a gift for my future wife" and proposed ! And all the lights on the tree came on, and the lights inside went on once she accepted and her whole family was watching. It wasn't just the story that touched me , it was the way my Grandmom told it - she got so choked up and literally started sobbing after she had finished, yet she had a smile on her face. Me being the emotional well I am of course got equally choked up and we all hugged her.

That was better than any gift I could have gotten, that moment - my whole family hugging her and us all just sniffling, living in that memory of her and my grandfather.

So, in a way, I was disappointed at first with this year's Christmas. I actually need a lot of things - my boots are all holey and I'm out of my perfume and a lot of makeup. But do I REALLY need it? No. I am making more than enough money over break to buy myself the things I need. What I really needed was a reality check - that Christmas was not about me, and I certainly got it.

I feel so strange. I've haven't really felt the need to change myself in a long time - and especially in this last year, I made no apologies for the way I lived my life. But I feel pretty different about all that now. I'm honestly so content with where I've ended up, even though there are many things if I could change, I would. But I'm honestly striving to be better in so many aspects of my life. Regardless if I announce them, there are things I know I want to improve on that I'm working on in silence. I just spent an hour in a hot bath reading and thinking, and I just love that even though there are very few people in San Ramon I care about seeing anymore, I couldn't care less! I used to get so anxious about going out and doing something and whatever, but now I am simply happy with curling up in bed and watching a movie or reading. I miss fullerton only because of my friends and my classes.

Anyway, this is a huge rambling blog. I really wanted to talk about Christmas and the way I've been feeling lately , which is really damn good. :) I'm so ready for this new year to begin, and I will be greeting it with open arms.

Home for the holidays

Sitting around at home has given me too much to think about. That whole rant should have happened when I messaged you back. But I didn't want to deal with it, I was at school and its so easy to escape you there. I went to Becca's party last night and Andrew asked about you. I hate when people bring you up, because it makes the memory of who you were re-surface and suffocate me all over again.

I feel like I'm living in my own walled in little world lately. I let girls in, sure. But even boys I let in before are shut out. Donnie. Ryan. Kenny. I'm just tired of the same. I want something so specific but I don't think its unreasonable. I just want to move on, replace him like he replaced me. That hole in my heart is still there. Spackled over with temporary patching, but its waiting for someone who fits.

Sometimes I wish there was a way I could just stop being strong and break down and have it be okay. But I can't. It's not okay. I am so good then so bad? Not bad but my mind.. my mind gets me. I get so frustrated. I like to think I've come a long way, but I sometimes wonder if I really have gone that far.

I don't knoww.

Glass

Rolled around on kitchen floors.
Tied my tongue in pretty bows with yours.
And now we pass and just like glass
I see through you, you see through me like I'm not there.

You could make my head swerve.
Used to know my every curve.
And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't.
Sometimes what we think we want we really don't.
Sometimes what we think we love we don't.

And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.
And when we meet on a street,
Then I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Epiphany

Nathan came over last night and took me out to sushi... held my hand, gave me sweet kisses on the cheek and lips. Cuddled through the night, completely respected me. Got along with my friends, didn't go running when we played apples to apples and I was completely ridiculous, per usual. 

Yet, I just wanted to be alone with my friends or just alone in general. It dawned on me in a certain moment last night that I'm really over the whole guy phase I was in - granted, I'm still boy crazy as I think I always will be, but .. for the first time I can remember in the past 4 years, I didn't need him there to make me happy. And I was honestly not really focused on him. 

I swear, it was the most refreshing feeling in the world. And I think I have my friends to thank for that. They weren't kidding (whoever they are) when they say you meet your bridesmaids in college. I have the best group of girl friends I would never trade out for the world. I'm not sure how I will survive without them for the next 6 weeks. I know I will, but it definitely won't be the same. 

I'm so content with life right now, and for the first time in fucking forever, its not because I'm dating anyone or even talking with anyone. I don't count whatever is going on with nathan, simply because its sparratic and I honestly don't want to date him. And the one person that I would consider anything with is out of reach. 

Touching on that subject, its hard. To know that you have such chemistry with a person, to care about a person, but my arms are extended out pushing him away. And I feel awful. I just know better. 

Point is, I'm really fucking good lately. For the first time in forever. And just good. With no ifs ands or buts. I could easily bitch and moan about a LOT of things. I could dwell on Eric and how he has been completely ridiculous - deleting me when he really has no reason to be upset if I WAS dating nathan, he's in love with her isn't he?? or I could dwell on the fact that Mike thinks I'm "unattractive" randomly. But I don't care. I literally laughed out loud writing these things. 

I love my friends so much. I love the person I've become. I love that I've been celibate for nearly a month and even though I'm not sure that will be the case after break, but I'm seriously going to try. I need to respect myself. And now that I have finally established that respect... everything is coming together. 

I suppose I should pack now? I might just lay in bed and listen to this playlist for a while. 6 hour drive tomorrow by myself, expect an epic update when I get back because no doubt I'll be milling over a lot in my head. 

Content.

december 14th

Last night was like something out of a dream. I spontaneously decided to go to LA to cinespace... somehow made it there in like 35 minutes, somehow found perfect parking and had enough change for the meter, somehow didn't miss Ryan's set. Heard Picture Atlantic and loved every instant of it, met "famous people" and had a bomb ass vodka cranberry. Met a cute boy in a beanie, ran around in a sea of hipsters, and then went outside with Ryan to refill my meter.

It was pouring, and we ran around and screamed and danced in it. I was too tipsy to care how freezing it was and the fact that I was wearing tights and a t shirt. 

I stood there on the ledge and you confessed your feelings to me - it was literally like a scene in a movie - with the bass of the club booming behind us as we talked in the pouring rain. It was a night I will never forget, regardless of the outcome. I probably shouldn't have driven home but I know that if I had stayed with you, it would only make it harder on the both of us. Sitting in my car and listening to bloc party and coldplay... it made me cry. It made me cry that you are so amazing but I can't let myself feel the way you do about me. It's too difficult. And I don't know if my feelings would be different if circumstances went our way. But you give me hope, that someone out there does care and not all guys are shit. Regardless of it all, I had a really good time. It was just what I needed - and we both needed to get our feelings out.

I want this

Heavy night, it was a heavy night
Feels like we've just, come back from the dead
Heavy night, it was a heavy night
I cannot remember what I said to anyone
If we get up now, we can catch the afternoon
Watch the under15's playing football in the park
Let’s sit in St Leonard's on this alcoholic day
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

I work hard all week and so do you
We deserve to let off some steam
Less orthodox creeping,
We need to rage through all of this life
There might be ones who are smarter than you
That have the right answers that wear better shoes
Forget about those melting ice caps
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest a silent smile
A private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations
Are all very well
But our love is louder than words

I love you in the morning

Coffee

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come down

There are so many things I could be doing right now but I’m sitting here listening to Death Cab, looking through files on my computer. The Internet’s down.

Seeing Emma go through the breakup with Matt affected me more than I expected. Just watching her collapse on the floor and sob the way I did so many times…at least she has her friends on her side through this. But I know the pain of losing someone like that.

Sometimes I wonder if Eric would care if anything happened to me. If he even thinks about me.
I talked to Melissa about a bunch of this stuff when I was home. Part of me thinks that Eric and I will end up together eventually, and then I remember the bad. And how I settled. And I don’t want that. I want someone who I won’t have to settle for. Who is effortless.

It’s so hard for me not to want it badly, too. It’s definitely gotten easier, but I have this ache. Not for Eric, though. For consistency. For a relationship.

I want someone especially now that I’m technically an adult and living on my own – where we would have no limits and I could see him whenever I wanted. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Am I really that repulsive?

And with Eric, am I really that easy to forget? That easy to just “fix” away into the darkness?

“I just wasn’t feeling it”, “You aren’t attractive to me anymore”, “I have my life with her now”.
Three different phrases all told to me within the same month. Then there’s _, who confuses the shit out of me, I don’t even want to deal with it. And _ , who I laugh so hard with and feel my heart swell but it scares me. Because he isn’t “cute” enough? I don’t know. _’s just a consistent hook-up, boring but fun.

Then BMC. I want him to be my relationship. I adore him, I want to be his girlfriend. I haven’t felt that way about anyone in a long time.

I just want consistency. I want my relationship status on facebook to swell in a big pink heart and announce to the world “In a relationship”. I want to focus all my attention on a new object of affection and leave Eric long gone. I want Eric to feel the sinking feeling in his stomach when he finds out. I want him to confront me and for me not to give a flying fuck.

I want a boy who is good-looking. Eric was good-looking. And not just cute, he was hot. He could make me squirm just looking at how adorable he was sometimes. I want that level of attraction in my next boyfriend, regardless if that’s a shallow thing to look for.

I want someone who is loud and proud and outspoken but not an ass. Who can have a good time wherever he goes, who looks on the bright side, who isn’t afraid to meet new people. Who will pick me up and twirl me around and throw me over his shoulder and kidnap me for adventures. I want someone playful and frisky and pushy in just the right ways.

I want someone who holds my head when he kisses me and looks me in the eyes afterward. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only person in the world. I want someone to share Christmas with, who loves the holidays as much as I do, who loves his FAMILY as much as I do. Who loves dogs and kitties and baby bunnies. Who will spoil me but not make it uncomfortable.

I want someone who will cook me dinner, take me out to dinner, or bring me dinner. Who will know my bad days and how to make them good, who will know how I’m feeling just by looking up when I walk in the door. Who will beckon me, who will kiss away my tears, who will surprise me with little things. Who will know my love for daffodils, sour patch, and chai tea.

Who knows just where to touch me, just where to tickle me, just where to stop. 

Most of all, I want someone who will stick around.
I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist.

Alone for the holidays, once again

I had the option of going out and seeing Nathan last night but I went home and crashed and slept in. Better choice, being alone. It's hard not to seek out boys, especially because I don't want to be alone during the holidays. But I feel better when I choose my girls or just hanging out myself over chasing after a boy. Especially lately. 

Whatever, I'm not really hung up over it. I'm just learning how to be happier and happier the way I am and literally my contentment has raised higher and higher as each day progresses. Good feeling.

I love my friends, they make my life. Especially the group I've been with as of lately. I went to disneyland last night with all of them and it just made my heart happy :) I almost don't want to go home for christmas just because I'll miss them so much! But of course, that's hardly an option.  

Being home is really nice. Being home and remembering I'm the only single one in the family... not so nice. My brother is proposing to his girlfriend soon, so I'll be the official 7th wheel of the miller fam. The holidays make me long for commitment, just like the summer makes me long for bouncing around with boys.

I want to stand still, I want I want I want. I'm beginning to think maybe I'm too high maintenance? Or something? Like, am I crazy? I just hate that oh we're in college means oh, lets not commit. Just because we're in college means we can't commit because who commits in college? I hate college guys. I thought I'd love them but all they want is ass. I want someone who wants more than my ass. I am so so picky. I just think something is wrong with me, there must be. I'm crazy.

I want consistency for christmas.. please? I'm not sure what or I guess who I should say, I want. Being home with Donnie isn't as great as I anticipated. I just don't understand how his mind works. Back to same old habits from him.

I just want something fresh and new and perfect that will sweep me off my feet. Is that too much to ask? I've been ready for a while now.

For the record

So I just got your text, and good thing because I was just going off on how you have no idea what my college life has been like. Haha but I'm not upset and I'm glad you clarified.

You are right though, I'll own up to the fact that I have gotten caught up with boys. I guess going to college I just assumed I would meet someone and be as happy with someone else as you are. And I've really yet to meet that person. I've been happy, I've gone out and dated a few guys since I've moved here but for the past month I've been going through just little things that make me really miss having someone who understands me. In other words, you. And I say that with no intentions, I'm just being honest. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, either. Because I've gotten the kisses and the romance from other guys but its just not the same when they don't know or care to know me. And being in college where people know me but don't really know me and when things go wrong - I miss having you around to talk to. I've been a stupid girl and bounced around because I realize almost instantly how rare it is to find a guy like you and I'm not going to settle for anything less.

So, in turn, with you being unapproachable in my eyes because I feel constantly like I'm just going to interfere or cause problems with Alanna if I want to talk to you even as friends, and me having issues of my own here and when I feel like crap, I go out and I party and I meet guys. I find other things to focus on other than you, and I have done that practically ever since you and I broke up. And I am happy with that because I've finally come to a place where I am over you and I am happy for where you are in your life and with Alanna. And I'm finally in a place where I know what I want from a guy and I've calmed down from that ahh I'm in college I need to date around and have fun phase. So, I'll give you some credit because yeah, you're right. You know me well enough to know that.. but its something I'm still struggling with.

I guess I get what you're saying about the whole ex girlfriend thing, but I guess its just hard for me to just be okay with it. After three years, its not that easy to just be okay with you refusing to say goodbye to me before I move away for college. I really haven't gotten over that, it really hurt my feelings. And I truly do understand how Alanna feels, I was in her place when Lina wanted so badly to be in your life or whatever still. But I eventually messaged Lina and told her that I wanted you guys to be friends and us all to be okay because I could see how it effected you. And though I don't expect Alanna to do that at all, it just makes it that much more difficult for me to just be okay with it all. Do you see what I mean? I don't understand how after three years its that easy for you to just disregard my feelings because of a girl you've been dating for a little over 6 months. I respect your relationship so much with Alanna but I feel like she doesn't respect my friendship with you. I'm not asking to see you every time I'm in town, I'm not asking to see you at all. I just don't want to feel like I'm forbidden from being an honest friend with you, because lately I've felt that way.

I'm sorry that I wrote you a novel. I just really have had a lot I've meant to say to you and this is the first time I've felt comfortable enough to let this all out. Just know that I mean this in a completely platonic way, and I'm not saying any of this with any expectations.

I'm actually really glad that I got this out, I already feel so much better and I already feel so much more settled with the situation. Thank you for understanding and listening and still caring and not erasing me from your life haha.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: reric
Date: Nov 13, 2008 12:56 PM


Lora, First and foremost, I am sorry about the pictures you found on my tumblr. You are right, that is wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Now, whether or not you are with nathan or not I have seen plenty of things that have showed me what college is like for you. I know how you are with boys and honestly what has happened to you? What happened to this independent girl that doesn't need a stupid fucking boy? You post stuff and I believe it. "did you get laid?" "no but I wish!" wow. From what I've seen for years that's not you.

Alanna is not comfortable with me seeing you. I'm not going to cause problems with her because of my "x gf" because that's what you are to her and my other friends. I'm not ok with her even talking with her xs very much let alone seeing any if them. I think that's very understandable.

I am okay with us and if I feel uncomfortable about something, I change. I make it work and I think you should do that to. You won't see my stupid bulletins or any of that and I'm sure it will help. I'm happy, and if I ever start to forget that, I fix it.
------------ Original Message ------------
I'm not dating nathan. And do you think I enjoy reading bullitens about alanna and seeing her all over your page the way I used to be? Or when I stumble upon your tumblr because I clicked on a picture on your myspace of the two of you and you post pictures of you when you were looking straight at me through the camera and post "I love you alanna" under it? or when you posts pictures that i look at and immediately memories of you and i together through hard shit comes to mind but yet you're posting them to her like it was no big deal? or "so stoned" when you were at my house laying there when in reality, that was when i was moving and it was one of the hardest times of my life? but i face it and have accepted that this is the way you are and that you are in love with someone else. i'm not in love with anyone, eric. somehow, seeing how much you love your new girlfriend seems to be a lot more painful then my stupid surveys. but its your call.

i'm sorry that my bullitens bother you or whatever else. i used to consider you in writing them but i honestly figured you didnt read them anymore and didnt care. i don't even post bullitens nearly as often as i used to so the fact that you're suddenly not my friend on myspace anymore just floors me. maybe that's stupid and maybe i should just understand, but i've tried to be understanding about a lot. i've tried to understand how you can choose not to give me a measly hour of your time to say goodbye before i moved and i've tried to understand why we can't at least be friends. i've tried to understand why its apparently ridiculous for me to feel this way and i've tried to understand your girlfriend not being able to trust me.

all i want is for you and i to be okay and maybe you think we are but i am so unsettled because i'm constantly being repressed and told how i need to feel about you and how i shouldn't feel. i just feel like i've lost you nearly altogether. and maybe in losing you i've lost a little of myself.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: eric
Date: Nov 13, 2008 11:59 AM


Cool to see you're dating people who used to be my friends. I don't want to see that, so I took the iniative to by deleting it. I don't enjoy reading bulletins about how you had a great morning with nathan or how you had a gret time and partied up all weekend or how you wish you got laid this weekend. I want to rid it all of my eyes. So I deleted you. I still want to be your friend in fact text me whenever, wrcan always talk, but I don't want to see or read that stuff. Which I was I don't read your lj, or your blhspot, of your tumblr, or anything else. I could never ask you to just not post stuff or couldnever ask to not do what you want with your life or with whateer boys or etc, so I'm going to keepmyself from hearing about it. If you think that's stupid then so be it thats your deal, sorry but I think it's right for me.

------------ Original Message ------------
cool to know i'm officially erased from your life.

Long Beach

Despite your insane roommate and all her fiascos, your new place is a dream. Your dollhouse halls with a big ol pool and hot tub that we dove in and out of... floated on our backs and laughed at the crooked palm trees. You picked me up and twirled me around and splashed and then held me close. We spent all day tangled up in each other and breathing each other's air. You have this quiet giggly manner that just makes me laugh. You're so entertained by me, but I'm so enthralled by you.

But, as we were kissing, you had to bring him up. You had to ask.. although I understand your reasoning, it made my heart stop. He isn't allowed in the gates of my mind very often and that is definitely the last place I wanted him when I was there with you. I love being around you because I feel comfortable and I laugh and we actually have good conversation and we're FRIENDS... and you treat me like a princess. But I hate that I see him when I'm with you. I hate that it overshadows a good thing we have going.

I compare everyone to him. No one has even touched the way he made me feel yet. Or maybe I'm not letting them?

Grey's anatomy makes me emotional.

Bahoo

I posted something in our journal, although I doubt you'll ever read it. It felt nice to get that off my chest.

I'm Sorry I'm Leaving

Your middle finger was clutching my thumb through the park
and over macdougal.
The torches were blazing about our street and just down from the sky.
Casey stepped with Anna off the curb.
His shoes are clogs, did you see?
They dipped in that puddle, the one catching green.
They were tripping up and slipping around,
singing 'Rolalita come out tonight' and oh I wanted to pull you down.
roll on top of me, baby. just roll.
we'll wreck our clothes.
we'll scrape our knees.
we'll taste the scabs.
you, sweet, are worth these next four months
until I bail out and kiss behind your ears, drive off in the van.
oh my god, I think I'm dying in this car seat, where I'll spend through winter.

"i really feel like shit right now
ive just been going through old photos and old livejournals and photobuckets

we had been together for so long. it hurts so bad to think about it. i love you so much lora i really really do. why does it have to be this way. i hope our futures collide and we can look back at all of this as a test or something idk. im crazy. im thinking way to much. i miss you."

sometimes I just wonder.

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don't know what it's like to blame you

Nothing's true 

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I'm not sure that I really ever could

Hold on to a hotel key in a

Bedroom neighborhood

and go sleep-walking in Hollywood

I'm gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I'm gonna steer clear

Cus I'd die if I saw you

I'd die if I didn't see you there

So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

Cus I miss you

It sucks that I'm not mad

I dont think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I get lost on the boulevard at night

Without your voice to tell me I love you, take a right

the ten and the two is a lonely sight

I'm gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I'm gonna steer clear

Cus I'd die if I saw you

I'd die if I didn't see you

I'm gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere here

I'm gonna steer clear

Cus I'd die if I saw you

I'd die if I didn't see you there

see you there

I think I'm gonna stay gonna stay gonna stay in the gray gonna stay

All the street lights say nevermind nevermind

All the canyon lines say nevermind

Sunset says we see it all the time, nevermind, nevermind.

Interesting

As Katharine and I were laughing about old saved messages, I stumbled upon this one, and it still continues to confuse me.

"December 21, 2007 1:04 AM
please do not read this if you are still drunk because its
VERY emotional : /

I have been fucking up a lot lately i feel. I dont really know what i am supposed to say, but im just feeling bad right now so i figured id send you a message. I am sorry i wasnt there for you tonight when you called me i was playing drums at the time recording for johns project and i didnt hear it ringing or anything. but i dont know. I put you through a lot of extra crap that you really dont need. I really do want this to be the best it can be. I dont want to have any bad feelings between us and i kinda feel like its starting to turn into that but idk. I think its mainly me so i want to apologize. I dont care if you reply to. well let me rephrase that, i do care, but if you do not reply or talk to me about this i wont ask you to.
anyways, i really was seeing myself push you away because it hurts a lot to think about you and "us" but i know that that hurts you a lot because you feel like i have had this wall. well you are right, i guess i kinda do have wall up trying to protect myself but idk...i am willing to just let it all down even if its going to hurt a little more. i will do anything at this point to just make this ok. when i say "this" i dont mean like me and you being all happy and all thats stuff but i mean like...making this whole break up thing as easy as possible. that sounds really stupid because its going to be very hard. It has been very hard. Its not going to get easy anytime soon but idk. I am constantly feeling like i AM making this HARDER than it should be. so i wanted to apologize to you. I know its wierd on myspace but this gives you the oppurtunity to read it and i dont know. This would be hard to say on the phone without me freaking out and possibly starting an argument idk. I figure its better for you so you can read it and you can reply to me or not. i have no idea what im saying but i just didnt want to call you right now, and ist not because you dont have your phone. Which i am really sorry about too i keep calling it but ya no ones picking up. i wasnt really execting anyone to but i figured there might be a small chance. ANYWAYS...I am very sorry Lora that I have been making this harder than it should be. I take responsibility for it. I have been being a jerk and I have been trying to just push my bad feelings away. You deserve more than this whether or not we are together. I should show you more respect than I am and I should treat you better than I am. I am someone who has loved you for a very long time. And though its hard..I dont see what else I can do at this point in my life. Its hard to just push my feelings away, I know it is terrible but at least I am aware of it and admitting to my suckyness. I dont know Lora, I am just really sorry. You deserve better, and you are going to start getting it. I am not sure how but I am done trying to push away my feelings and I am done with this wall that I have up. I dont lora. : (
I have so many different emotions and its really hard to have any consistant ones so i think that is why i havent been telling you where i am at because i am so scattered brained. I have no idea what i am doing. i am so lost. : (

I hope some of this makes sense if not all of it.

-Eric"

At least he acknowledged the fact that he was dealing with things ridiculously, right?

Empty

Why do I do these things? The good thing I did was counter acted with a bad thing. 

Square one

I gave him my number and he has a girlfriend, although he seemed to want to make it quite clear that he didn't want to be in that relationship. God, he's hot. We'll see. I don't want to homewreck or deal with a potential asshole with baggage.

But I'm lonely, in a strange way. A confident loneliness? If that makes sense..

Bold

I'm giving the mystery hot man at my school my number tomorrow and I'm FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

How I feel today

Out of place.

Confusion

is always swirling around me when it comes to the male species. Nathan is starting to show real interest, but I just don't know. I just don't. My dreams confuse me. The only people I feel really drawn to are out of my reach. 

I feel content in my solitude but yet at times, completely lonely. I just feel like that person is somewhere close... and I feel like I'll know exactly once I get there. Isn't that odd? I'm weird like that.

It still hurts. I don't want it to. More the loneliness, the curiosity that kills me. Will I ever be happy like that again? I miss it desperately. But who can blame me? Being in love is the best feeling in the world. I don't want you, I just want that. I want that with someone new.

It scares me how much chemistry we have and how I can never have you. You came out of left field, can we just go to disney already? 

What I want

It's about time I made it clear , more for myself than anything. 

I want someone who will walk into a crowded room and only see me.

I want consistency.

I want someone who will hold my face when we kiss, who will run his fingers through my hair (only when we're laying down and I don't have to be presentable.. and he'll know this).

I want someone who never will fail to make me smile or laugh.

I want someone who will remember the little things, and how I love them.

I want someone who will love me exactly as I love them.

I want someone who will take me on spontaneous trips to Disneyland, who will wear his mickey ears with me and who will hold me for the fireworks.

I want someone who will take me out to dinner.

I want someone who will understand that any clothes he lends to me are totally game for me to wear home and to bed anytime he's away.

I want someone who loves the music I love, and appreciates it as much as I do.

I want someone who reads and soaks in literature - who won't mind a day at home reading.

I want someone who loves movies and good TV and who will hold me tighter when I cry watching one (because I almost always do)

I want someone who respects the theatre

I want someone who will cook me dinner (even if its awful)

I want someone I can share with my family, and who wants to share me with his

I want someone who I can see every day but who understands that we should spend time apart

I want someone who knows the meaning of every one of my smiles

I want someone who will do things for us, even if its out of his way

I want someone who loves kids and dogs and kittens and bunnies or at least knows that I do

I want someone who will pull the car over just because he wants a kiss

I want someone to be proud of me

I want someone to be proud of

I want someone to have a passion like mine, no matter what it's for (except maybe drugs or porn ;])

I want someone to fight for me

I want someone worth fighting for

I want someone to want to know me

I want someone to want me for me, not for sex

I want someone to respect me

I want someone who respects my passion

I want someone who considers

I want someone who knows without me telling him

I want someone who calms my storm, who lifts me up and compliments my personality

I want someone to complete me, and I want to complete someone else. 

I want my puzzle piece.

And it's not all about me. I want to be able to be that person in every single way for him, too. 

I'm ready. Now where are you?

There are days and sometimes just moments - where it overwhelms me. Where I backtrack, where I go bitter, where I regret, where I fucking resent you. But then I remember Donnie. And how I truly and firmly believe he changed my whole perspective on life. And you fade so nicely into the background. I miss Donnie so much. I wish he was here, I wish he could walk in my door and poke me in the side and hold my face and lay on my torso. He's the first person I felt anything substantial for since you. He is so self aware, so humble, so open. He changed my life in 4 months. And despite everything, he still cares about being my friend - no matter what or who enters his life. That's something you can't seem to figure out. How to be a friend without those feelings.

* I found this as a draft, felt I need to publish it

I love how you think I'm going to take him from you. News flash - I don't want him. If only you knew.

In other news, I have various options on my hands and a potential boyfriend? Its confusing but I'm enjoying myself.

Who is this superficial person I've become who suddenly judges people so quickly? Who sits around and gossips and bitches and whines? I sat back today and watched me and my friends interact. I love them to death, don't get me wrong, but I just realized we all try and one up each other. Why? Who cares? What happened to pure friendship? What happened to conversation about our lives and feelings and not about the way a girl wore her hair in class that day? It's all a big joke and its so shallow. I don't want to be that person. It distracts me so so SO much. We meditated in my voice and movement class today and it really made me aware of how much nonsense chatter really is in my head. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm going to try to go into it with my mind clear of judgement and just bring respect to the people I'm in 4 out of 6 classes with for just loving theatre as much as I do. No matter if they are horrible, no matter if they laugh funny, no matter if they judge me. They deserve the respect I expect from others, but it's just been dawning on me that I don't respect them in the same way.

I have started hanging out with this guy here and I'm just realizing how shallow we must all seem. And I think thats what bothers me more than anything, because yeah I get this way around my friends but I don't really feel that way one-on-one with people. I don't know. I just feel like he could sense it, and even though he probably didn't really care , I felt I was giving him such the wrong impression of who I am. And that's what's been so incredibly unsettling. Not that he's not responding the way I'd like him to by persuing me as much as it is that I feel like I'm being someone I'm not.

I need to remind myself daily to let my judgements down.

its all beginning to hit me. hard.

and i dont know who you are anymore. i mean, i do.. but its so odd being so distant. nostalgia is flooding my thoughts once again as i try and mentally prepare myself to say goodbye to you, to officially put it all to rest and bury it.

tripping out.

i bought green tea vitamins, too. we'll see.

I feel empty. I jump around from boy to boy and I don't need to. Donnie and I are finally settled together and I'm still searching. I've had such a carefree attitude about boys lately that I feel like my limits are lost. I just feel empty, I realize all I've done I look back and I just. feel. empty. Donnie is the only one who fills me up a little. Especially lately. Stolen kisses in the hall, hands held all around, paying for meals, just smiles. I just miss being in love, so much. I can't wait to be in love again.

I gained 5 more pounds. I freaked out. I'm still mildly freaking out. I lost 3 of them already and I know that my weight is just fluctuating plus I think I'm PMSing and there's a good chance I've gained a half inch in height but!! regardless, I see it on me. I feel it. Freaking awful, getting older. I worked out today and I've really tricked myself into loving salads. I hate how insecure I am about it all though :/

That's my ridiculousness for now.

Me: So I guess yesterday wasn't good?
Urosh: Let's just say I'm glad to not be throwing up at this moment
Me: :/ I hope that means you're starting to feel better.. I'm sorry, throwing up is the worst.
Urosh: I've had a huge migrane for like three days and its getting really old. I feel a little better today though.
Me: No good boy :( you should go to the doctor if it gets any worse. But I'm glad to hear its beyond the point of throwing up. I'm sorry, that's a bummerr.
Urosh: Thank you :) has anyone ever told you you are kinda nice? Just kinda?
Me: Haha, only kinda? No, no one's ever told me that before :P
Me: Well I hope you continue to feel better. it'd be nice to talk when you feel up to it - otherwise try not to disappear again, makes me assume ridiculous things
Urosh: I promise I will call you as soon as this headache goes away. Don't assume ridiculous things!
Me: Its hard not to when you go MIA for a week! But all that aside, feel better soon boy.


yesterday.

anxious. i move in 29 days. i just want to know.

donnie is being super cute... holding my hand and stealing kisses in the hall. confusing.

goodbyes are going to be hard, all around.

:[

He called. "so incredibly sorry." I called back, but I think he was busy. We'll see.

Ladder to the sun

I'm in a whirlwind of boy issues.

One is pretty much stalking me.
One is drunk dialing/texting me insane amounts begging me to come party with him in Santa Clara at 1am.
Donnie is donnie, in his own world and too busy to include anyone (namely me) into it. I'm done with his shit.

Urosh.
I feel completely idiotic saying this, but he makes me stand still. I bounce around like a crazy monkey released from the zoo when I'm single, and even Donnie only just slowed my ricocheting off the walls. With Urosh, I stand completely still. It scares the shit out of me that I want to risk it all for him. It's completely idiotic, and setting myself up for failure etc. etc. , but I've never felt this way before. And I've been in love. I'm not a hardcore believer in long distance relationships anymore, I did that for 2 years and it fell apart anyway. But, there's just something about him. It would probably never work and I'm getting really ahead of myself here, I just want to hear his voice. I just want to see him. I just want to get inside his head and understand. I try getting advise from people but all I hear is I'm moving in a month. And I know that. But I can't leave with these feelings left open. Without knowing.

Its SO stupid too. Why would I want to get into another long distance relationship with a boy I hardly know who happens to be insanely dedicated to his band? Because he's not like Eric in that I see his eyes focus away from his band. He's so much more mature, I mean he's freaking 21. I've talked with him about the issues I had with Eric and his band. He explained to me how he balanced it when he was in a relationship, he gets the balance. Maybe this is just me believing every word he says and being shallow or something. But he has yet to give me a reason not to believe him. Except maybe this whole stunt. I feel ridiculous, insane, and stupid. The reactions I get from my friends are along those lines. But I'm the only one who truly understands how I feel. I hate that I have to go through Nelson to find out stuff about Urosh because he's crazy to a certain extent and keeps trying to convince me that he's better for me and discourage me from Urosh. But I just want things to be fixed with Uroshhhhh. I'm so frustrated. Why are boys so manipulative, confusing, shy, or scared?!!!

Roarsighahhhbsdklfjsdfsksjdf;s


From the very start
it came apart
it broke up into pieces and
there was a chance and i missed it
It could risked it

and I put myself into your hands

Cause you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun
oh you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun

I can run my courses
Opposing forces
and oh man I just...

If you want me then you can have me
take me, oh baby grab me
Cause if you want me then you can have me

Cause you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun
You're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun

oh now boy what you mean i've done
you set a course that you couldn't run
oh now boy what you mean i've done

I had it all and I risked it
I had it all and I risked it all
And I risked it all

And I risked it all
A ladder to the
A Ladder to the sun

Coldplay was amazing. Beyond amazing. Nothing short of epic.

Apparently he's scared. He likes me too much already and doesn't want to lose me. So is that supposed to justify him dropping off the face of the earth the last 4 days? Something about him makes me want to risk it all. Nelson told me he likes me more than he liked his ex, who he went out with for 3 years. But he's scared. Of me moving, of me getting drunk at a party and forgetting him, of me rebounding like I rebounded off of Donnie and onto him. But he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that Donnie was just passing the time, that what he makes me feel is completely real. He's an honest guy, as nelson put it. There aren't too many of them left. He doesn't understand the tingling in my toes, the uproar in my stomach - the way he makes me feel. He makes me feel something like Eric made me feel - but better. I already trust him. I don't know, its extreme and lame but I swear - if he wanted to be together with me, I'd agree in a heartbeat. I'd make it work through the long distance, I'd sacrifice. I don't understand it, but that's how I feel. I don't know. I feel dumb, but its true.

Being in the same building as him and not calling him today killed me.

i don't understand how am i supposed to feel when you say we’ll hang out today then dont talk to me at all yesterday or answer your phone today? should i just assume your phone is broken? is it wrong for me to be upset that you just didn’t bother trying to contact me? idk. i feel like a crazy needy stalker girl but honestly, you make plans and then you just disappear… how am i supposed to act? bummer. i’m just disappointed. and i do not like that. i hate it , even. i think my least favorite thing in the world is when people are MIA. especially after making plans. i just don’t understand it. even if i make plans and flake, which does happen, i at least let people know. at least let me know, give me some lame excuse as to why you’re flaking. i don't even know how to act - if i message you after calling you and texting you then what is that, stalking you? like what?! i dont understand. but i guess i have no choice but to let it go. it just sucks, i wish you would at least fucking message me or something. i thought you weren't like the rest.. you made a point of saying that. whatever, haha. i have not wasted time waiting for him, which is nice.

i hung out with donnie tonight, which was interesting. no kiss, no real hand holding or anything. a whole lot of physical tension. i think we're both just unsure since the 4th of july meltdown. but he said that now that school's over he's going to have a lot of free time. i said, oh? does that mean we actually get to hang out ? and he said, yeah thats why i mentioned it. like, what? i am just confused by it. i said to him for him to call me when he wasnt busy because i didn't want to bug him and he said no! bug me, please. bug me. !?! wtf? no! i hate that.

i just want to move already!!

you're different. you text me before bed, no matter what. come heeeeeeereeeeee, all i can think of are your big blue eyes (that you seem to think aren't blue) and that look.. that look you gave me :) eric used to look at me that way. i dont think anyone else ever has.

"i would be lying if i said that i wasn't thinking about you all day today"

why must you be so close yet so far away?! and why did i meet you the friday before my busiest week ever!

I can't stop thinking about Urosh... Its just one of these things I can't explain. I feel like an idiot but I really can't. I'm utterly speechless and he's the same way.

"I came here with a load,
and it feels so much lighter since I met you"

Maybe this is me running into whoever's arms and being an empty shell? But wait, its not. I don't know. I know how I feel and I'm sick of people judging it. Life's too short, run with it.

So there's a lot I haven't posted on this particular blog. 4th of july was insane, I don't remember 65% of it - I had at least 12 shots and a beer... I was so happy for a while but it went down hill once Donnie showed up at Lauren's. I didn't expect him to come, so I had more than a few drinks to forget it all and just be happy. By the time he got there I could barely stand, and he was apparently there for like an hour and a half before he decided that he didn't want to take care of everyone because he had passed up seeing his friends to come to the party and everyone was just ridiculous (mj, if you're reading, take note of how i spelled it correctly haha). Long story short he left and I was super upset and was bawling like a child for an hour or so before I realized how stupid it was and jumped into the hot tub. A bunch of guys Libby had invited were there and I started talking with all of them. Before I knew it, I was alone, deep in conversation with one particular boy. Urosh. We spent the whole night talking and slept in the same room and whatnot.. I don't know. He's so great, but he confuses me a lot. I just talked things over with Donnie yesterday because he was really upset with me for being so unreasonable at the time, and we're cool. But in the 48 hours I've known Urosh, I already feel a connection with him that Donnie doesn't even come close to.

Confusinggg.

I'm off to Fullerton for orientation, but I'm sure I'll post more later.

I tried to keep my positive spirits high today but they have been below ground since last night. I'm desperately trying to deroot them now. I don't get to spend 4th of july with you, you're booked solid with parties but I can't say it surprises me. I keep thinking about last year and I made the mistake of watching our video from the rooftop yesterday.. its haunting me. I need to freaking let go. James says when I'm stressed I just need to focus on my breathing, it helps.

Watching Leeanna and Robert reminded me of a lot too, I wish I had someone fighting for me. All in due time. I need to relax and be patient, this is not the time or place for me to have anything like that. The part of me that still believes in a higher being believes this is God's plan, or something along those lines. That I'm supposed to learn from this.

I'm pretty insecure right now though. You turned your head to me, Leeanna's in Sacramento still with Robert... I'm going to chipotle with cameron then going to a bbq with a bunch of new acquaintances that have slowly been blossoming into friendships... but Donnie is usually with me when we party with them so we'll see. I partied with them without him a few weeks ago. I have become increasingly more insecure about my weight? Which is completely ridiculous but idk. 10 pounds. I can tell, but that's just me. I don't want to be that person who's insecure about her weight. That's not me at all. I need to exercise, I need to let go, just breathe. I'm wasting far too much time focusing on the fact that I'm either alone or unhappy. And I'm neither.

Void

I wrote this a while ago (about a year ago), I just found it and liked it a lot.


Void. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right, it’s not in place. You’re missing something. You ignore it as best you can and try to fill the hole with things that don’t belong there. A new love prospect that treats you worse than the boy you’re trying to make up for, you do things you wouldn’t normally do. You drink too much, and care too little. You stomp on the others to rise up; you desperately try everything to fill that hole. It’s almost as if you’re trying to plug the leak at the bottom of your boat with just your hands. No matter how hard you try, your ship keeps sinking. Until you hit rock bottom. You went too far – you helped a boy cheat on the love of his life, you got so drunk you were so belligerent you did things you shouldn’t have done. This only deepens your wound, that hole in your heart that you can’t fill. That feeling you can’t shake, that won’t go away. Nothing is right and you can’t figure out why. You’re drowning. You need that lifeboat, that hand to pull you up to the surface so you can breathe. Or do you? Can you save yourself? In time, that wound will heal. That void will diminish. Then all that will be left is scar tissue to remind you of the struggle you went through to be who you are.

hahaha i was "destroyed". :] hes cute, i just wish he had more timeeeeee. but apparently i'm in for some fun bahaha

me: i feel like he thinks he can take advantage f me because i let him lol
me: or like, ditch me you know?
neema: you do let him
neema: does it matter? you have almost 0 time left before you go studying living the rest of your life
neema: and youre here sitting letting one guy ruin your carefree summer
neema: after this its all buisiness. if you mess up later, it might not be able to be fixed.
neema: but now, whats going to happen.
neema: right now youre living the most carefree life
neema: party from 7-7, sleep in the morning
neema: in a month, even though there may be parties, its going to be affecting your future.
neema: right now, this has no affect on anything
neema: if you let a guy wind you up and down in college, and you let him get to your head,
neema: ....not good
neema: Basically: You Have nothing to lose now, but youre living life as if you do. What are you going to do in a monthish when you actually have something to lose?


i need to stop wasting my time. he calls me beautiful and apparently is 5'11"... sounds like a fun time. if not, i need to be alone again. its good for me

"And do I dare ask, where are all the gentlemen? You know, the kind of men who always make sure they walk nearest to the street. The kind of men who automatically link arms with a lady to show the jokers, the ones dwelling in the shadows, that she is not to be harassed. The kind of men who enjoy their mother's company, as well as YOUR mother's company. The kind of men who know they are supposed to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the doorway.

Are these values no longer taught when parents raise their baby boys? Has every young man been abducted by manner-stealing aliens who completely sucked these manners right out of them? Do they just not care?

So few men know how to act like a gentlemen, and so few women actually expect it. I do. I expect it from my lovers, and I most definitely expect it from my friends. Start opening doors for the elderly, walk your girl to the door after a date (or at the very least wait until she gets inside safely before you drive away), pick a flower and hand it to a person that looks sad. How is this not common sense?

I want to know people who write notes saying "I hope you are having a lovely day" and leave them on random cars. I want to know people who throw drawing parties instead of keggers. I want to know people who care about everything, and love with all they have. I want true words, sparkling eyes, and hearts made of gold. It isn't hard work to be a gentleman. It isn't hard work to be a friend. So, why are there so few of you? What's your excuse? You're all a bunch of dirt-covered rocks. I want gems. And I won't settle for anything less."

I've been rummaging through my xanga and stumbled upon this. I feel very refreshed, re-encouraging myself through quotes I posted in the past. I can't wait to get out of here and meet all new people and be living on my own :]


There are some things I don't understand however - how I'm apparently supposed to be 100% emotionally unattached after 3 years and that reads to everyone as not being over it, how I'm not supposed to BE attached to someone I've spent nearly every day with the last few months.

As for the first one, I am as over it as I can be at this point. I may not be 100% done, but I think I'd say I'm pretty good. I'm over it as much as I can be. We've only seen each other once since we've been officially done, and I have no desire to mix up old feelings. I settled too much in the relationship, its not at all what I want again. I want to be in love again, sure. And I think that's what I miss more than anything - I don't really miss Eric. I don't miss the pain and the constant ache. It bothers me when people try to assume they know anything about our relationship and how I felt about it all. I only reveal a little bit to this little livejournal. I wanted to see him and I still do to gain some more closure, but I realize that it doesn't really need to happen until before I leave. And I don't want to see him with any malicious intentions of ruining his relationship. I guess I just realized it wasn't worth it anymore - all it will take is one meeting and I don't need to think about it until before I move. I just want to lay it all to rest. To let go of it all and just be friends. It was three years of my life, and I can't pretend like it didn't mean a thing to me. And I don't want to look back anymore and regret or resent. But that doesn't mean I'm "so not over it" and that I'm not completely satisfied without him. Because believe me - I am. Things catch my heart strings, things still affect me - which they should. It was 3 years, only 8 months apart so far. I'd be a fool to say that he meant nothing to me. But I wish people would stop misinterpreting that.

As for the second, it bums me out. The first guy I feel something substantial for since Eric and its of course, the wrong time and place. I can't wait for Fullerton where I might meet someone who makes me feel just as good and when it IS the right time and place. I'm so over waiting for boys and settling. I've just been doing what I feel is right and following my heart as best I can - and I plan on continuing until someone really worthwhile wants to join me or until my heart leads me to him.

gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

I thought watching a chick flick would make me feel better and fall asleep happy. I was wrong. Today was okay, sorting things out with Donnie was okay. Except that I still fucking talk about you too much. It frustrates me so much, the entire situation. I never let it touch me, but its strangling me now that I've let my guard down... now that people are telling me how different you are. How different it all is. I knew, I felt the same, but it's much easier to forget about it when you're doing it on your own. Now I have people saying wtf, wow Lora you're strong etc. 

Yeah, I guess I am strong. I finally, after 3 years of trying and following my heart - gave up. I haven't sat back and let this sink in in a while. Its almost six fucking am and I'm sitting up crying about this. Fuck. I don't want to be crying over you, I don't want to even think about you. It frustrates me so much. That I loved you so much, and gave up so much - did SO MUCH, and it still didn't matter. I feel like I'm an idiot, lingering on the things I did when we first broke up. But its been a while, and honestly, recent events have stirred up past hurt and feelings.

I want to say that I'm 100% over you, and I think I even did when I was screaming at you, but I'm not. I lie when I say I am. But I have to be. You've moved on to another serious girlfriend and I've moved on too. But I am no where near a serious relationship, how can I be? How can you jump into something so serious just 7 months after you break up with someone you were with for 3 years? nearly 1,095 days of your life you spent in some sort of relationship with me. But apparently you two act like you're engaged, like you're invincible. Which makes me think back to nothing's going to stop us. To us both bawling like little kids on your bed before I moved, to everything and anything I experienced and went through with you that we said those five words. But a lot stopped us. A lot stopped you. How can you say that this time is going to be easier or better, even? How is this going to last? The whole thing honestly, just seems stupid. I feel like you're fooling yourself. You said yourself you don't feel anything near what you felt for me when I moved. So what the hell are you doing? I'm not even saying this with hopes that you're going to break up with her and come to me - because that's not at all what I want. I just see you setting yourself up for failure and I feel like she's your distraction.  She fills the hole I left. Maybe that's pushing it, maybe that's not my place to say. But I think that I know you pretty well - and I know that you didn't really deal with our breakup. That you went on tour, then apparently immediately started hanging out with Lina ? The way Becca phrased it made me uncomfortable. I know that you grieved, that it was rough on you. But I haven't filled that hole you left, Eric. It's healing over, and I've attempted to shove some things in it here and there to try and plug it - but none of them have filled it completely. The corks fly out, the boys fall through, the drunken nights sober up and in the end its me sitting in my bed at 6am writing a stupid blog about you - listening to stupid music that makes me cry. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I look back on our relationship and it feels like it wasn't even my life or me living it - that I don't even know who you are anymore. I hate that Becca tells me things that make me reluctant to even talk to you about any of this. I hate that you're planning your future with someone you've only been with for 2 months when we were supposed to be planning ours. I hate that you take her to the same places. I hate that you two are so determined to make it work. That's our game. That's who we are. I hate myself more for not being able to flush you out of my life and be okay with it all. But at the same time, not at all. I'm a freaking human being and I have every right to feel all of this. 

I just don't know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel. How would you feel? I really tried to push all my past feelings aside and just be there to support you but ever since we fought I've had the strangest desire to push you entirely out of my life and at the same time beg you to be back in it. I think that I saw myself feeling for you and getting hurt and realizing that maybe I'm not as past it as I thought I was - and my first reaction was to push you far, far away. And honestly? I'm still considering it. You haven't called back. You don't care as much as I thought you did.. I feel like you're satisfied with our 15 minute review, where I reluctantly forgave you. But it still hurts, a whole freaking lot. There's still so much to be explained and accounted for. And you don't give a damn. Its not anywhere near a priority.

But after 3 years of being the best #2 I could be, why would I be surprised when I was still not #1?

session 8

"But I'm the kinda person who believes everything happens for a reason. I'm kinda glad that I was so miserable counting down the days till I was 18, ya know, so I could leave. Cause the way it worked for me, it was this one day where I was in the right place at the right time.
Now I'm not the type of person to just go get what I want. I usually wait for it to casually come to me. Something hit me that day like a ton of bricks. I know it sounds cheesy, but I fell in love. And that's what kept me there for the next few years. I would've run away if it wasn't for her.

Well it was just the same as any day I was looking to run far from the school
And I was at the door ready to go when I heard some books hit the floor
So then I stopped, jaw dropped, I said, this must be love
Cause when I pulled myself together you were already gone
I screamed wait a minute, listen to the voice in my head
It said, kid you better run cause she's getting away with it

So I chased after her, running down the hallways. Running up to her and grabbed her arm. Actually just stood there frozen, didn't know what to say to her. I think she kinda felt the same thing so it worked out. I felt like I had a reason to finally be happy, you know. She would be the first person in my life who was completely honest with me. I had a reason to trust. When I was with her it just felt like my problems with my parents didn't seem to big anymore. Oh well, I just didn't care about them."

I miss that.

:]

“ i believe that everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go. things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— marilyn monroe

oopsie?

Are you serious?

Are you freaking kidding me? I am a lurker, I shouldn't lurk, whatever you do it too. But for her to say that your relationship will be different because it won't be one sided? Are you kidding me! I know that when we broke up the first time it was rough and I was a bitch. And I hurt you. But if there was any reason to say that we broke up - the last one I would consider saying was that it was one-sided. Fuck you, if thats the case. One sided? Oh, I guess I didn't care when I sacrificed my social life and first half of my senior year to come hang out with you all the time. I guess going to all your shows and chosing you over parties, friends, and high school things doesn't mean a thing. Especially when so many times I would just hang around in the background. I don't regret those things. I just wish there was some way I could have balanced it all better. But I did all those things because I LOVED you, Eric. You know that I loved you. But now - if you're going to tell her that your last relationship was one sided? That's really fucked up. It actually really hurts. I didn't think you could still hurt me, but I guess I was wrong.

I really am happy for you and her, I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happier than me. But apparently all that I did and all the love I had for you was completely insignificant, because it was one sided, wasn't it? I was really fine with everything, I wanted to be there for you to talk to about this whole situation, I wanted to finally be your friend again. I was and still am rooting for your relationship with her. Our relationship wasn't always easy, I wasn't always the best girlfriend, but you weren't always the best boyfriend. Whenever I talk about our relationship to Donnie, yeah, I tell him what you did to hurt me or whatever. But I also make a point to say what I did. And how our relationship ended on mutual terms because it was going no where. I guess you could say it was one sided because you were willing to try and make it work when I moved to Fullerton.. but you have to understand, I did too. I really did. But I knew that I had spent the last 3 years of my life living for you, and I finally had to live for myself.

I just really can't believe you. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I'm assuming. But it said right there -

"And know that this time it will be different for you.
This time all feelings will be mutual and not one way.
This time you won't, I won't, be the only ones putting in effort."

Ahaha wow. What a great way to start my day. I'm going to senior breakfast and graduation practice now, and this is NOT going to ruin my day. But if that's how you feel and that's how you're going to talk about me, I lost a lot of respect for you, because it seems like you don't respect me.

The past 4 years

I've been swimming in an ocean of nostalgia. As I crawl out onto the beach, the waves lick at my toes and I begin to let my eyes focus on the island around me. This is it - this is it. That's all I can think to myself lately. Packing for Ms. Woods has been almost theraputic for me, its my way of saying goodbye to the theatre and a lot of ways, my high school career.

The past four years have been the hardest, craziest, and best years of my life. And I know that I'm only headed toward more of the same. I can't believe I've been living in San Ramon for over two years now. That my life in Gilroy seems more distant than ever. I fell in love, fell out of it, experienced true heartbreak, watched my mom endure four (?) brain surgeries and make it through them all. I experienced life without someone around all the time to pick up after me, cook my meals, and listen about my day. Became my father's support system. I made good friends, lost some, and discovered who really cared. I fell in love again, but this time with performing - something just clicked and the rest of my life fell into place. I went to New York City, Hume Lake, LA, Ashland, Sacramento, Camp Roberts, Rochester, D.C., and Disneyland.

I learned - I grew. I came to realize how precious life is and never to take a moment for granted. To stop to pluck a daffodil, to making someone's day just by saying hi, to cuddles, to group hugs, to 100% quiz scores. To that rush you get from being in the spotlight, center stage in front of an audience - to the times where you can't stop laughing over the stupidest little thing. To hating teachers but appreciating them anyway, to Cal High bosco sticks, to debates with your peers about things that really matter.

I stopped caring what people think and got to know exactly who I am. I made many mistakes - but learned from each flaw and used it to help me with the future. I sang, I danced, I drank, I smoked, I laughed, I cried, I was unreasonable, I was understanding, I forgave, I forgot, I discovered, I reflected. I lived. I didn't sit on the sidelines, I jumped right into the game. And I don't ever plan on sitting still again.

Strawberry swing

They were sitting

They were sitting in the strawberry swing

Every moment was so precious

They were sitting

They were talking in the strawberry swing

Everybody was for fighting

Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water

Bring me round

Now my feet won't touch the ground

Cold, cold water

What ya say?

It's such It's such a perfect day

It's such a perfect day

I remember

We were walking up to strawberry swing

I can't wait 'til the morning

Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People leaving all the time

Inside a perfectly straight line

Don't you wanna curve away

It's such

It's such a perfect day

It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue

I don't mind

Without you it's a waste of time

I adore this song.

I feel so weird, this week is weird. Signing yearbooks is weird. Especially when I'm signing someone's that I know I'll most likely never see again. Idk, today was good but I had a lot of alone time to get paranoid and freak out. I'm just realizing that all the people I'm surrounding myself with I'm going to have to leave in under 3 months, minus a few. It's thoroughly depressing.

I really like Donnie. And I'm such a stupid girl about stupid things. I feel like I'm getting to that point where I'm really putting myself out there... he knows I like him and he's secured a place in my life for the time being, but I feel like whenever I get to this point where I'm comfortable with a guy, I get nervous sometimes. Because more things are assumed and things become less formal and intense and I just feel vulnerable. It's really a stupid thing but idk. I just feel like a lot of guys have taken advantage of how laid-back I am and end up disappointing me. I was thinking about it on the way home from Andrew's - my soulmate, the man I will marry, won't ever disappoint me. I mean, I'm sure he will..but he'll make up for it. It just makes me nervous because so many guys have done it before, you know? I wish I could just let all that shit go.

You know what? I will. I will make an effort to just let it go. It's not worth wasting my time. I don't want to be that stupid girl with issues because of the way a guy treated me in the past. But then again, its good to be protective of your heart.

I guess its stupid on another level because although I really like Donnie, I'm not sure I'm anywhere near loving him. Not that I was expecting to, I'm just pointing that out. So what am I worrying about? I'm just having fun. I need to let go.

Edit :

Rachel Whiteside just called me for boy advice. She knew I would be one person who understood her and listen and give honest advice without really pushing for details with what was going on. It was really refreshing. She basically told me how she wonders if she just chooses the same types of guys or if it's just her being silly? Idk, we basically talked about everything I wrote and I gave her advice that I need to listen to. Say what you need to say, relax otherwise. I feel so good right nowww. Bed is calling <3

Beginning of the end

Today is the first day of my last week of high school... so so weird.

Donnie and I are getting more and more comfortable with one another, I really enjoy his company. I'm afraid of his parents, though. They know I've been over really late and asked him not to have us hang out upstairs with the door closed and we did again and his mom knew and got really upset with him... Yikes. But he assures me that they aren't upset with me, only him. But I still don't think that's a very good first impression, hahah.

I would write more but I really shouldn't be late. Until later.

Ugh

This is lame and very superficial of me...but I gained ten pounds within the last 6 months. I'm not okay with that. I'm going to start working out every day this summer... I don't want to get the freshman fifteen. Weirddddddnesss. I don't usually care about stuff like this, but 10 pounds?! Eeesh.