Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm trying

to be a better person, in all aspects of my life.

I'm trying not to throw a fit when I don't get what I want, when you leave me to protect yourself, when he gets drunk and fucks her again.

I have wasted so much time this year sitting and letting this longing for love overtake me. In turn, I have been a bad friend, a bad student, and a bad employee on the days where things get rough.

I know I'm entitled to be upset, and I'm not saying I regret anything I went through. But I feel stronger. I'm trying to be strong, to be mature, to learn that in life, things are never perfect. I'm learning every day to appreciate the time I have alone and with friends.

But in this, I have been reflecting, a lot. I'm still not sure how to deal with you. And it saddens me, a lot. I don't know how long I can keep away from you, but I will. Because truthfully, I'm always going to be drawn to you. And for no good reason, really. It's not like we were together, or that I ever treated you the way I should have. But I was driving the other day, and burst out laughing thinking of our first night together. I remembered you and I running around and speaking in British accents, piggy back rides, McDonald's Run, me spitting the pickle in your face, our first kiss. And that night that I swear was straight out of a movie.

I don't know, but all I know is it is right for this distance and this separation. And I'm sorry I resisted it. Maybe it's taking me losing you to realize how much I do care about you. Maybe it's me wanting what I can't have. All I know, is I'm learning through this.

I haven't forgotten you, and I don't intend on losing you. I hope you feel the same.

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