Thursday, August 28, 2008

Who is this superficial person I've become who suddenly judges people so quickly? Who sits around and gossips and bitches and whines? I sat back today and watched me and my friends interact. I love them to death, don't get me wrong, but I just realized we all try and one up each other. Why? Who cares? What happened to pure friendship? What happened to conversation about our lives and feelings and not about the way a girl wore her hair in class that day? It's all a big joke and its so shallow. I don't want to be that person. It distracts me so so SO much. We meditated in my voice and movement class today and it really made me aware of how much nonsense chatter really is in my head. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm going to try to go into it with my mind clear of judgement and just bring respect to the people I'm in 4 out of 6 classes with for just loving theatre as much as I do. No matter if they are horrible, no matter if they laugh funny, no matter if they judge me. They deserve the respect I expect from others, but it's just been dawning on me that I don't respect them in the same way.

I have started hanging out with this guy here and I'm just realizing how shallow we must all seem. And I think thats what bothers me more than anything, because yeah I get this way around my friends but I don't really feel that way one-on-one with people. I don't know. I just feel like he could sense it, and even though he probably didn't really care , I felt I was giving him such the wrong impression of who I am. And that's what's been so incredibly unsettling. Not that he's not responding the way I'd like him to by persuing me as much as it is that I feel like I'm being someone I'm not.

I need to remind myself daily to let my judgements down.

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