Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I don't know if it's just me getting used to this new birth control combined with my heart hurting or what but I am really fucking miserable. I had an amazing scene go up this morning which I completely rocked and got praised so much for by my teacher, but I still can't shake it. I'm truly sorry that I made you feel horrible and a monster and whatever else. I never meant to make you waste your time coming out here and I never wanted to hurt you. Which is why I took it slow and told you how I was feeling and tried to keep you as well informed as I could. I tried so fucking hard to salvage our friendship at the very least but you just threw it through the buzz saw. I had hope when you started our conversation out saying how you didn't want bad blood between us but it just spun around so quickly and I don't understand it. That's what hurts the most, is that it's like you figured out I wasn't worth your apology anymore or something. You don't think there's anything to apologize for and I'll apologize for things that aren't anybody's fault. I just am so emotionally spent. It hurts. And you won't even take the time to listen or try and see my side. I'm not trying to get you to agree with every aspect of what I say but you dismiss it all like I'm full of shit. Like I have no reason to be upset with you and that you're this fucking angel. I just am so hurt. I just wish you cared. You said you loved me and you wanted me back and I believed you, I wanted that so bad. But the moment shit gets hard and you don't get what you want you back out. How does that make you a strong person? How is that loving me? If you loved me, why did you say those things to me? I just can't wrap my head around it. I feel like everything you ever told me was a lie. Because you wouldn't have treated me this way if you cared about me. I care so much about you and I have given it so many tries and given you so many chances and have taken the shit from you and still stuck by your side and even after everything still gave you another chance. I want you to be okay I have dropped my emotions to help you time and time again. But I can't do that anymore, because you don't do the same. Loving me requires more than washing my clothes and cooking me breakfast and taking me to dinner. Loving me means you love me through the good and the bad. And I did that with you. I loved you and still love you despite it all. But love is a two way street. I can't destroy myself in loving you by putting all my emotions toward making sure you're okay if the reason why you're upset in the first place is because you feel guilty for something. Or whatever else. I just ache, I just hurt. I did everything I could possibly do but this time I was done listening. I was done being beaten up emotionally by all of your shit. I don't deserve any of this.

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