"December 21, 2007 1:04 AM
please do not read this if you are still drunk because its
VERY emotional : /
I have been fucking up a lot lately i feel. I dont really know what i am supposed to say, but im just feeling bad right now so i figured id send you a message. I am sorry i wasnt there for you tonight when you called me i was playing drums at the time recording for johns project and i didnt hear it ringing or anything. but i dont know. I put you through a lot of extra crap that you really dont need. I really do want this to be the best it can be. I dont want to have any bad feelings between us and i kinda feel like its starting to turn into that but idk. I think its mainly me so i want to apologize. I dont care if you reply to. well let me rephrase that, i do care, but if you do not reply or talk to me about this i wont ask you to.
anyways, i really was seeing myself push you away because it hurts a lot to think about you and "us" but i know that that hurts you a lot because you feel like i have had this wall. well you are right, i guess i kinda do have wall up trying to protect myself but idk...i am willing to just let it all down even if its going to hurt a little more. i will do anything at this point to just make this ok. when i say "this" i dont mean like me and you being all happy and all thats stuff but i mean like...making this whole break up thing as easy as possible. that sounds really stupid because its going to be very hard. It has been very hard. Its not going to get easy anytime soon but idk. I am constantly feeling like i AM making this HARDER than it should be. so i wanted to apologize to you. I know its wierd on myspace but this gives you the oppurtunity to read it and i dont know. This would be hard to say on the phone without me freaking out and possibly starting an argument idk. I figure its better for you so you can read it and you can reply to me or not. i have no idea what im saying but i just didnt want to call you right now, and ist not because you dont have your phone. Which i am really sorry about too i keep calling it but ya no ones picking up. i wasnt really execting anyone to but i figured there might be a small chance. ANYWAYS...I am very sorry Lora that I have been making this harder than it should be. I take responsibility for it. I have been being a jerk and I have been trying to just push my bad feelings away. You deserve more than this whether or not we are together. I should show you more respect than I am and I should treat you better than I am. I am someone who has loved you for a very long time. And though its hard..I dont see what else I can do at this point in my life. Its hard to just push my feelings away, I know it is terrible but at least I am aware of it and admitting to my suckyness. I dont know Lora, I am just really sorry. You deserve better, and you are going to start getting it. I am not sure how but I am done trying to push away my feelings and I am done with this wall that I have up. I dont lora. : (
I have so many different emotions and its really hard to have any consistant ones so i think that is why i havent been telling you where i am at because i am so scattered brained. I have no idea what i am doing. i am so lost. : (
I hope some of this makes sense if not all of it.
At least he acknowledged the fact that he was dealing with things ridiculously, right?