Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I don't know how the fuck to feel.

You have been around for over a year and when you're drunk you say these things to me that make me wonder. I am strangely addicted to you, maybe I just like that you like me.

I don't know what is with me. One day I'm so excited with the possibility that you might come see me, the next minute I'm panicking at the thought of it. You are such an incredible person and you are so determined to make something work but the world is against us and I don't have it in me to fight against the world right now.

I feel like I can't let myself relax or actually enjoy a person anymore without putting a limit on it. It's affecting so many parts of my life.

I'm terrified of not living up to my potential. Of slacking off and not working hard enough, of losing my chance at being an incredible actor. I know I won't allow myself but the idea of climbing another step in this mountain that is my two year training path seems unbearable. I have made myself a to do list and I NEED to stick to it. I have to force myself.

This is part of the reason why it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of putting in a lot of work for a relationship right now, I have no capacity in my life for that kind of thing. I need something easy that contributes nothing but positivity to my life, no negativity. Not that the person would make it negative but the ache that comes with being far away.

I want a real relationship that I don't have to long for every day and plan for. I want my boyfriend on my bed unexpectedly when I get home or for him to pick me up from school and surprise me and we can just be together and live our own lives too. And just to be happy. Unbearably happy.
I want to look someone in the eye and read their thoughts.

I need to channel these feelings into finding a process and relating it to my work.

It's all I have anymore to keep me sane.

I feel like I have a lot of pressure on my chest, I need to breathe easy for a while.

No comments: