Saturday, January 31, 2009

What do I say to you when you drunkenly call me and tell me that you're in love with me and I'm breaking your heart? What am I supposed to do, drop everything and say sure, lets fall in love and open myself to my own degree of heartache? I'm sorry if it's selfish, but I just could never do it. Never again will I be in a relationship like that where I hardly see you and where I have that constant ache. Our relationship would never be at its full potential. 

And to be completely honest, I like you a lot. But I don't think that I love you. And it scares me how much you care for me. I feel like if we ever were together, I would never like you as much as you liked me. And I won't put you through that.

But don't sit there and beat yourself up. Don't you dare say that you're wasting my time. As for your time, I'm not so sure - you are the only one who can determine whether or not it's being wasted. Don't you dare assume how I feel without asking. Do not say "well you know how I feel and you know what I mean". Because I am never really sure until you tell me. I'm a straight-forward, no bullshit person. So do me the favor and tell me it straight up. I'm not going to think any less of you. 

And when I say yes, I wanna talk to you. Yes, I'll call you back. I fucking mean it. Don't apologize and say oh we can talk another night and act like I don't want to talk to you.

Just saying.

I just wonder if I've become this hard rock of a person surrounded by walls and no one will ever be able to come in. What you said to me earlier, made me cry. That I'm the only person you don't feel you need to leave anything out to when you talk to. That meant a lot. I value you in my life, a lot. Regardless of what happens. 

I just wonder. I'm so eager for that feeling again, and hearing those words come out of your mouth - I froze. What do I say to you? Why is this happening to me? I can never be with the people who make me happy. 

I'm strong, sure. But I've got a whole bunch of layers of insecurities built up from the past year that are going to take a while to strengthen.

Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and scream. Who wants to deal with someone like me?

I wonder if I should be bold. But then I remember that its selfish and I step back. 

I just miss that feeling , more than anything. I cling to any trace of it lately.

"The only thing about you I don't like is that you don't like me."

Don't you see that's not the case at all?

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