Thursday, January 8, 2009

Meet Me in Montauk

I just watched Eternal Sunshine for the first time in foreverr. It really made me sit back and think. Eric's cousin has been telling me some weird things lately. Not bad necessarily, but things that definitely mess with my head.

Yet I am content. A year has passed and I barely noticed. A new year has turned over and I couldn't be more grateful. I am so incredibly thankful for every person in my life right now. It's so weird being home and not really having anyone anymore. Granted, I have Mely and the few people from high school that still bother to keep in touch and of course Alex and Jelena..but I don't know. Donnie was supposed to go to Sweden for most of January, and he didn't end up going. Yet I feel like he might as well have. It bothers me, but not in the way I expect it to. It bothers me that he can't keep a friendship with me even. That I have to be the one to push things to hang out. Regardless of what we are or aren't, I value having him in my life. And he's basically let me know he would rather not be a part of it by slipping off the radar. Maybe that's selfish of me because I know this month has to be hard on him, but I don't know. I don't think it's too unreasonable. I'm seriously considering returning his Christmas gift.

New years was the start of a whole new something for me - Andy. He's someone I've always been drawn to - I think he reminds me slightly of Eric yet they are nothing alike. He's a genuinely good guy, and its obvious. He doesn't take shit and he pretty much speaks what he thinks. He fits .. all of my qualifications. Except for the distance thing. And one other thing, but I'm not so sure it matters anymore. I'm really trying to not jump the gun at all with this one - I tend to do that. But I've seen him twice since New Years and plan on seeing him as much as I can before I leave. The great thing is that he makes feeble attempts at giving us things to do, but I really could care less. Last night we watched Muppets From Space and argued over character names. The time before we played beer pong for like two hours. I'm continually surprised by how comfortable I am with him, and how happy I am doing nothing at all when he's around. We talked about awkward boys and he told me he thinks he's awkward, but I set him straight. I said that's part of the reason he's always stood out to me. He has two sisters, takes his cousins to Disneyland, and burrows in his sleep. He asked about my past - I was really caught off guard. Who cares to ask? I always end up just babbling. I don't know. I really don't. I hate that I jump to the future with every guy I have anything with. Nasty habit coming out of a serious relationship. But...who knows. Summer isn't really that far, and I'll be back a few times before then. And summer is really long. And there's an 80% chance I'll be in SF fall of '10. But those are just ideas I toy with. Hopeful wishes. I really like him and I really want something consistent. But I'm not too sure these two coincide.

Then again, who knows? All I know is life is too short. And I haven't felt like this in a long time. It's not just one sided, for once. He seeks me out, and I'm so not used to it. I'm realizing my walls, my limitations. Moreso now that I have to think about letting someone in.

Here I go again, jumping ahead. But sometimes you just can't help yourself.

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