Glass

Rolled around on kitchen floors.
Tied my tongue in pretty bows with yours.
And now we pass and just like glass
I see through you, you see through me like I'm not there.

You could make my head swerve.
Used to know my every curve.
And now we meet on a street,
And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't.
Sometimes what we think we want we really don't.
Sometimes what we think we love we don't.

And I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.
And when we meet on a street,
Then I am blind. I can not find the heart I gave to you.

Epiphany

Nathan came over last night and took me out to sushi... held my hand, gave me sweet kisses on the cheek and lips. Cuddled through the night, completely respected me. Got along with my friends, didn't go running when we played apples to apples and I was completely ridiculous, per usual. 

Yet, I just wanted to be alone with my friends or just alone in general. It dawned on me in a certain moment last night that I'm really over the whole guy phase I was in - granted, I'm still boy crazy as I think I always will be, but .. for the first time I can remember in the past 4 years, I didn't need him there to make me happy. And I was honestly not really focused on him. 

I swear, it was the most refreshing feeling in the world. And I think I have my friends to thank for that. They weren't kidding (whoever they are) when they say you meet your bridesmaids in college. I have the best group of girl friends I would never trade out for the world. I'm not sure how I will survive without them for the next 6 weeks. I know I will, but it definitely won't be the same. 

I'm so content with life right now, and for the first time in fucking forever, its not because I'm dating anyone or even talking with anyone. I don't count whatever is going on with nathan, simply because its sparratic and I honestly don't want to date him. And the one person that I would consider anything with is out of reach. 

Touching on that subject, its hard. To know that you have such chemistry with a person, to care about a person, but my arms are extended out pushing him away. And I feel awful. I just know better. 

Point is, I'm really fucking good lately. For the first time in forever. And just good. With no ifs ands or buts. I could easily bitch and moan about a LOT of things. I could dwell on Eric and how he has been completely ridiculous - deleting me when he really has no reason to be upset if I WAS dating nathan, he's in love with her isn't he?? or I could dwell on the fact that Mike thinks I'm "unattractive" randomly. But I don't care. I literally laughed out loud writing these things. 

I love my friends so much. I love the person I've become. I love that I've been celibate for nearly a month and even though I'm not sure that will be the case after break, but I'm seriously going to try. I need to respect myself. And now that I have finally established that respect... everything is coming together. 

I suppose I should pack now? I might just lay in bed and listen to this playlist for a while. 6 hour drive tomorrow by myself, expect an epic update when I get back because no doubt I'll be milling over a lot in my head. 

Content.

december 14th

Last night was like something out of a dream. I spontaneously decided to go to LA to cinespace... somehow made it there in like 35 minutes, somehow found perfect parking and had enough change for the meter, somehow didn't miss Ryan's set. Heard Picture Atlantic and loved every instant of it, met "famous people" and had a bomb ass vodka cranberry. Met a cute boy in a beanie, ran around in a sea of hipsters, and then went outside with Ryan to refill my meter.

It was pouring, and we ran around and screamed and danced in it. I was too tipsy to care how freezing it was and the fact that I was wearing tights and a t shirt. 

I stood there on the ledge and you confessed your feelings to me - it was literally like a scene in a movie - with the bass of the club booming behind us as we talked in the pouring rain. It was a night I will never forget, regardless of the outcome. I probably shouldn't have driven home but I know that if I had stayed with you, it would only make it harder on the both of us. Sitting in my car and listening to bloc party and coldplay... it made me cry. It made me cry that you are so amazing but I can't let myself feel the way you do about me. It's too difficult. And I don't know if my feelings would be different if circumstances went our way. But you give me hope, that someone out there does care and not all guys are shit. Regardless of it all, I had a really good time. It was just what I needed - and we both needed to get our feelings out.

I want this

Heavy night, it was a heavy night
Feels like we've just, come back from the dead
Heavy night, it was a heavy night
I cannot remember what I said to anyone
If we get up now, we can catch the afternoon
Watch the under15's playing football in the park
Let’s sit in St Leonard's on this alcoholic day
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

I work hard all week and so do you
We deserve to let off some steam
Less orthodox creeping,
We need to rage through all of this life
There might be ones who are smarter than you
That have the right answers that wear better shoes
Forget about those melting ice caps
We're doing the best, with what we've got

I love you in the morning
When you're still hung over
I love you in the morning
When you're still strung out

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest a silent smile
A private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations
Are all very well
But our love is louder than words

I love you in the morning

Coffee

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come down

There are so many things I could be doing right now but I’m sitting here listening to Death Cab, looking through files on my computer. The Internet’s down.

Seeing Emma go through the breakup with Matt affected me more than I expected. Just watching her collapse on the floor and sob the way I did so many times…at least she has her friends on her side through this. But I know the pain of losing someone like that.

Sometimes I wonder if Eric would care if anything happened to me. If he even thinks about me.
I talked to Melissa about a bunch of this stuff when I was home. Part of me thinks that Eric and I will end up together eventually, and then I remember the bad. And how I settled. And I don’t want that. I want someone who I won’t have to settle for. Who is effortless.

It’s so hard for me not to want it badly, too. It’s definitely gotten easier, but I have this ache. Not for Eric, though. For consistency. For a relationship.

I want someone especially now that I’m technically an adult and living on my own – where we would have no limits and I could see him whenever I wanted. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Am I really that repulsive?

And with Eric, am I really that easy to forget? That easy to just “fix” away into the darkness?

“I just wasn’t feeling it”, “You aren’t attractive to me anymore”, “I have my life with her now”.
Three different phrases all told to me within the same month. Then there’s _, who confuses the shit out of me, I don’t even want to deal with it. And _ , who I laugh so hard with and feel my heart swell but it scares me. Because he isn’t “cute” enough? I don’t know. _’s just a consistent hook-up, boring but fun.

Then BMC. I want him to be my relationship. I adore him, I want to be his girlfriend. I haven’t felt that way about anyone in a long time.

I just want consistency. I want my relationship status on facebook to swell in a big pink heart and announce to the world “In a relationship”. I want to focus all my attention on a new object of affection and leave Eric long gone. I want Eric to feel the sinking feeling in his stomach when he finds out. I want him to confront me and for me not to give a flying fuck.

I want a boy who is good-looking. Eric was good-looking. And not just cute, he was hot. He could make me squirm just looking at how adorable he was sometimes. I want that level of attraction in my next boyfriend, regardless if that’s a shallow thing to look for.

I want someone who is loud and proud and outspoken but not an ass. Who can have a good time wherever he goes, who looks on the bright side, who isn’t afraid to meet new people. Who will pick me up and twirl me around and throw me over his shoulder and kidnap me for adventures. I want someone playful and frisky and pushy in just the right ways.

I want someone who holds my head when he kisses me and looks me in the eyes afterward. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only person in the world. I want someone to share Christmas with, who loves the holidays as much as I do, who loves his FAMILY as much as I do. Who loves dogs and kitties and baby bunnies. Who will spoil me but not make it uncomfortable.

I want someone who will cook me dinner, take me out to dinner, or bring me dinner. Who will know my bad days and how to make them good, who will know how I’m feeling just by looking up when I walk in the door. Who will beckon me, who will kiss away my tears, who will surprise me with little things. Who will know my love for daffodils, sour patch, and chai tea.

Who knows just where to touch me, just where to tickle me, just where to stop. 

Most of all, I want someone who will stick around.
I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist.

Alone for the holidays, once again

I had the option of going out and seeing Nathan last night but I went home and crashed and slept in. Better choice, being alone. It's hard not to seek out boys, especially because I don't want to be alone during the holidays. But I feel better when I choose my girls or just hanging out myself over chasing after a boy. Especially lately. 

Whatever, I'm not really hung up over it. I'm just learning how to be happier and happier the way I am and literally my contentment has raised higher and higher as each day progresses. Good feeling.

I love my friends, they make my life. Especially the group I've been with as of lately. I went to disneyland last night with all of them and it just made my heart happy :) I almost don't want to go home for christmas just because I'll miss them so much! But of course, that's hardly an option.