Tuesday, December 9, 2008

There are so many things I could be doing right now but I’m sitting here listening to Death Cab, looking through files on my computer. The Internet’s down.

Seeing Emma go through the breakup with Matt affected me more than I expected. Just watching her collapse on the floor and sob the way I did so many times…at least she has her friends on her side through this. But I know the pain of losing someone like that.

Sometimes I wonder if Eric would care if anything happened to me. If he even thinks about me.
I talked to Melissa about a bunch of this stuff when I was home. Part of me thinks that Eric and I will end up together eventually, and then I remember the bad. And how I settled. And I don’t want that. I want someone who I won’t have to settle for. Who is effortless.

It’s so hard for me not to want it badly, too. It’s definitely gotten easier, but I have this ache. Not for Eric, though. For consistency. For a relationship.

I want someone especially now that I’m technically an adult and living on my own – where we would have no limits and I could see him whenever I wanted. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Am I really that repulsive?

And with Eric, am I really that easy to forget? That easy to just “fix” away into the darkness?

“I just wasn’t feeling it”, “You aren’t attractive to me anymore”, “I have my life with her now”.
Three different phrases all told to me within the same month. Then there’s _, who confuses the shit out of me, I don’t even want to deal with it. And _ , who I laugh so hard with and feel my heart swell but it scares me. Because he isn’t “cute” enough? I don’t know. _’s just a consistent hook-up, boring but fun.

Then BMC. I want him to be my relationship. I adore him, I want to be his girlfriend. I haven’t felt that way about anyone in a long time.

I just want consistency. I want my relationship status on facebook to swell in a big pink heart and announce to the world “In a relationship”. I want to focus all my attention on a new object of affection and leave Eric long gone. I want Eric to feel the sinking feeling in his stomach when he finds out. I want him to confront me and for me not to give a flying fuck.

I want a boy who is good-looking. Eric was good-looking. And not just cute, he was hot. He could make me squirm just looking at how adorable he was sometimes. I want that level of attraction in my next boyfriend, regardless if that’s a shallow thing to look for.

I want someone who is loud and proud and outspoken but not an ass. Who can have a good time wherever he goes, who looks on the bright side, who isn’t afraid to meet new people. Who will pick me up and twirl me around and throw me over his shoulder and kidnap me for adventures. I want someone playful and frisky and pushy in just the right ways.

I want someone who holds my head when he kisses me and looks me in the eyes afterward. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only person in the world. I want someone to share Christmas with, who loves the holidays as much as I do, who loves his FAMILY as much as I do. Who loves dogs and kitties and baby bunnies. Who will spoil me but not make it uncomfortable.

I want someone who will cook me dinner, take me out to dinner, or bring me dinner. Who will know my bad days and how to make them good, who will know how I’m feeling just by looking up when I walk in the door. Who will beckon me, who will kiss away my tears, who will surprise me with little things. Who will know my love for daffodils, sour patch, and chai tea.
Who knows just where to touch me, just where to tickle me, just where to stop. 

Most of all, I want someone who will stick around.
I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist.

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