Monday, June 23, 2008


Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

I thought watching a chick flick would make me feel better and fall asleep happy. I was wrong. Today was okay, sorting things out with Donnie was okay. Except that I still fucking talk about you too much. It frustrates me so much, the entire situation. I never let it touch me, but its strangling me now that I've let my guard down... now that people are telling me how different you are. How different it all is. I knew, I felt the same, but it's much easier to forget about it when you're doing it on your own. Now I have people saying wtf, wow Lora you're strong etc. 

Yeah, I guess I am strong. I finally, after 3 years of trying and following my heart - gave up. I haven't sat back and let this sink in in a while. Its almost six fucking am and I'm sitting up crying about this. Fuck. I don't want to be crying over you, I don't want to even think about you. It frustrates me so much. That I loved you so much, and gave up so much - did SO MUCH, and it still didn't matter. I feel like I'm an idiot, lingering on the things I did when we first broke up. But its been a while, and honestly, recent events have stirred up past hurt and feelings.

I want to say that I'm 100% over you, and I think I even did when I was screaming at you, but I'm not. I lie when I say I am. But I have to be. You've moved on to another serious girlfriend and I've moved on too. But I am no where near a serious relationship, how can I be? How can you jump into something so serious just 7 months after you break up with someone you were with for 3 years? nearly 1,095 days of your life you spent in some sort of relationship with me. But apparently you two act like you're engaged, like you're invincible. Which makes me think back to nothing's going to stop us. To us both bawling like little kids on your bed before I moved, to everything and anything I experienced and went through with you that we said those five words. But a lot stopped us. A lot stopped you. How can you say that this time is going to be easier or better, even? How is this going to last? The whole thing honestly, just seems stupid. I feel like you're fooling yourself. You said yourself you don't feel anything near what you felt for me when I moved. So what the hell are you doing? I'm not even saying this with hopes that you're going to break up with her and come to me - because that's not at all what I want. I just see you setting yourself up for failure and I feel like she's your distraction.  She fills the hole I left. Maybe that's pushing it, maybe that's not my place to say. But I think that I know you pretty well - and I know that you didn't really deal with our breakup. That you went on tour, then apparently immediately started hanging out with Lina ? The way Becca phrased it made me uncomfortable. I know that you grieved, that it was rough on you. But I haven't filled that hole you left, Eric. It's healing over, and I've attempted to shove some things in it here and there to try and plug it - but none of them have filled it completely. The corks fly out, the boys fall through, the drunken nights sober up and in the end its me sitting in my bed at 6am writing a stupid blog about you - listening to stupid music that makes me cry. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I look back on our relationship and it feels like it wasn't even my life or me living it - that I don't even know who you are anymore. I hate that Becca tells me things that make me reluctant to even talk to you about any of this. I hate that you're planning your future with someone you've only been with for 2 months when we were supposed to be planning ours. I hate that you take her to the same places. I hate that you two are so determined to make it work. That's our game. That's who we are. I hate myself more for not being able to flush you out of my life and be okay with it all. But at the same time, not at all. I'm a freaking human being and I have every right to feel all of this. 

I just don't know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel. How would you feel? I really tried to push all my past feelings aside and just be there to support you but ever since we fought I've had the strangest desire to push you entirely out of my life and at the same time beg you to be back in it. I think that I saw myself feeling for you and getting hurt and realizing that maybe I'm not as past it as I thought I was - and my first reaction was to push you far, far away. And honestly? I'm still considering it. You haven't called back. You don't care as much as I thought you did.. I feel like you're satisfied with our 15 minute review, where I reluctantly forgave you. But it still hurts, a whole freaking lot. There's still so much to be explained and accounted for. And you don't give a damn. Its not anywhere near a priority.

But after 3 years of being the best #2 I could be, why would I be surprised when I was still not #1?

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