"You're feeling a bit distracted right now, but you're worrying about things that really don't deserve all of this attention. These problems you are struggling with are molehills, not mountains. You've let little things grow in your imagination into big things -- but they aren't, really. So let go of all of this worry! These are things you just can't do anything about, and they will take care of themselves soon enough, anyhow. In the meantime, focus on good thoughts that will lighten your mood. "
Today was pretty bleh. I think a lot of it had to do with Megan being gone, she usually helps my days feel less lonely. She's been the one constant person in my life I can tell everything to lately, and so without her, especially on a day where I was feeling the way I was, it was especially hard. (Insert d'awhhhh here hahah) Not to mention my body decided to be even more of a zombie today rather than yesterday (even though I was running on four hours of sleep yesterday? I don't know.)
Its really odd to not have that one consistant person in your life. Eric was my constant for almost three years, and without him I feel a definite hole in my life. It's slowly healing over, but there are days where I sit around and just feel so alone. And I know, I'm not at all. I really am fortunate to be blessed with all the people around me. My theatre lovies, Megan, Mely, Tess, Leeanna, Danny.. so many people. It's just an odd feeling, you know? I have all these people who are close with me, but Eric really was like my other half. That's hard to replace.
Its like ... you have this constant reassurance. You never have to worry about what you look like, what someone thinks of you, whether they think you're pretty or not, whether you are a good person or not in the eyes of other people.. you don't worry if you spend the night at home. You don't worry about much at all , really. Because you know that whatever happens, you have this person who will be with you through it all and loves you exactly as you are - flaws and all. Now, I still don't really think about what people think of me (luckily), but I have these moments where I reflect and worry if anybody will ever take me as I am like that again. I have these moments where I feel lonely, and all of a sudden I feel as if I've been thrown out of my safe house, and that all the doors back inside are locked and bolted.
I stand outside and knock, then I turn away and run. Almost as if I'm doorbell ditching my heart. Its like my heart wants to keep reminding me that it does, in fact, feel something. Or at least it did, and it's not just going to go away overnight. And even when it does begin to heal, its a slow process. I am not a patient person when it comes to these things.
The rediculous thing is that I don't want what I had with Eric again. I don't want a relationship at all right now, I'm leaving in six months and unless the boy was going with me and freaking blew my mind, I wouldn't want to even think about a relationship. I thought that I just wanted to date around and "have fun", which is still true to a certain extent but due to recent events I have decided that might not be the greatest idea. Boys who just wanna have fun are much different from those girls that Cindy Lauper sang so lovingly about -- they don't give a shit. But I'm not entirely sure if I blame them, why should they?
Yet I sit here and I miss constance. I miss cuddles, I miss forgetting everything around me to just sit around and be completely 100% happy. I wish I had someone in my life who could make me feel that way again but that I didn't feel attatched to. That is literally impossible, hahah. Oh well.
I have a good thing going with someone, but its not really anything I can be too excited about. He's leaving Sunday to go back to school and even though my time spent with him is great... I can't let myself really enjoy it almost, you know? I'm seeing him Saturday and probably spending the night out with him but we'll see.
I really wish I could just delete my thoughts. Or put a sort of filter on them like you do on your internet options. I'd switch it to HIGH and block every thought I've had regarding missing Eric. Its honestly the last thing I want to do right now, and I have been doing really well lately. It's of course understandable that I do miss him, but I just hate it. It brings me down. It gets my insides churning, it makes the things that have been going well for me blurr into the background of this hole that opens up in the pit of my stomach.
I have such mood swings, though. I feel this way but then something will happen and its like I open my eyes and see how good things are going around me. I really shouldn't even be complaining, but this is my blogspot and I am entitled to bitch about my stupid problems :)
I need to catch up on some sleep, plus I'm working hella this weekend. Goodnight, little blog. You really have become theraputic for me.