Monday, May 5, 2008

Speak to me gently

It's an interesting thing, watching someone replace you. Replacing them yourself. Putting a makeshift paste over that hole in your heart until someone comes along who will punch it out and fill it with something substantial. Pushing on, moving forward. I wouldn't call myself heartbroken or even hurt. But nostalgia surrounds me. I smile when I think of you, of how you are doing precisely what you want to. And I hope you do the same, because I finally feel unleashed. Let free. It still doesn't change the fact that I miss you, that it makes me genuinely sad that I've basically lost you. Maybe this is me being melodramatic, but I think I'm just merely being realistic.

I know nothing of how you feel other than you are happy where you're at. I have come to terms with this whole situation, but I'm not sure if I would consider it something that is a breeze for me to deal with. When I told you about Brett, you told me about her. You told me part of the reason you took me off of your top friends was because it was too difficult to see me with another guy. Less than a month later, you two are together. I understand, I'm not blaming or pointing fingers, I just am saying that it all hit me pretty fast. Even though, yes, I've been moving on... it hasn't been truly moving on. I'm not going to fall in love with anyone. And it seems that you are. Not to say that I'm not going to in the future, its just an interesting place to be in. I'm not at a place in my life where I can have something serious with someone new. My experience with Brett made me miss you and your friendship a lot, and as soon as its over - you're unreachable to me. I hope if you ever read this, which I sort of hope you don't, you understand that this isn't me being angry and resentful. It's the next stage in getting over you. I feel like I'm grieving a little. And probably dealing with it in all the wrong ways.

There is one person who gives me hope. He listens, understands, laughs, and I always smile when I'm with him. I don't get that initial high, that intense heart beat - but I do get a little shy. Liquid courage helps out...a lot haha. It's not even that I'm falling, that I even really like him much. Because I have every single guard and wall up possible, I'm moving - no one gets close. But he reminds me of you. He gets me without me having to say much at all. And I can't wait to find that in someone again, I can't wait to fall in love again. With someone who I won't have to settle for.

I could say a lot more but I can't stop sneezing. Instead, I'll post pictures that basically explain my last week or so.

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