I tried to keep my positive spirits high today but they have been below ground since last night. I'm desperately trying to deroot them now. I don't get to spend 4th of july with you, you're booked solid with parties but I can't say it surprises me. I keep thinking about last year and I made the mistake of watching our video from the rooftop yesterday.. its haunting me. I need to freaking let go. James says when I'm stressed I just need to focus on my breathing, it helps.

Watching Leeanna and Robert reminded me of a lot too, I wish I had someone fighting for me. All in due time. I need to relax and be patient, this is not the time or place for me to have anything like that. The part of me that still believes in a higher being believes this is God's plan, or something along those lines. That I'm supposed to learn from this.

I'm pretty insecure right now though. You turned your head to me, Leeanna's in Sacramento still with Robert... I'm going to chipotle with cameron then going to a bbq with a bunch of new acquaintances that have slowly been blossoming into friendships... but Donnie is usually with me when we party with them so we'll see. I partied with them without him a few weeks ago. I have become increasingly more insecure about my weight? Which is completely ridiculous but idk. 10 pounds. I can tell, but that's just me. I don't want to be that person who's insecure about her weight. That's not me at all. I need to exercise, I need to let go, just breathe. I'm wasting far too much time focusing on the fact that I'm either alone or unhappy. And I'm neither.